The Trembling Rose

[kidult]

THE TREMBLING ROSE
By Kidult

I weep, I swoon, I torture myself,
I am the trembling rose in the palm of your hand,
I only want to kiss your lips.
But whilst I am elegance and beauty,
And I have the splendour of India spread before me,
What I really want is for you to come inside,
and then out.
And then in,
and then …..again,
….out.
The skies have dissolved along with these dreams,
The birds have all gone insane.
And I’m just sick and prowling in my scabious mind.
But the rose,
But this dwelling rose,
This crimped and trodden and defected rose,
It will only gently tremble, every time it thinks of you.

[kozmikdave]

Welcome Kidult

A somewhat erotic first post, methinks. So if roses had minds, they would think of birds and bees!

A subject that has been trodden over many times before but you kept my interest with some intriguing images.

But whilst I am elegance and beauty,
And I have the splendour of India spread before me,

I liked it but didn't have a clue as to what it was getting at. Hoped you would somehow elaborate.

Good first post. Keep posting
Cheers
Dave

[juliadebeauvoir]

Hi Kidult,

I think this is a passionate poem and meaningful to you. It is a bit cryptic and although that is not necessarily a bad thing, it sort of leaves your audience trying to figure out where you are coming from.
I took the "India" part as the woman or man's beauty as seen in the "Rose's" eyes. The exotic nature of India with all it's poverty and beauty. The smell of spices and the feel of silk. But I had to really try to read that in. Can you revise and elaborate a bit?

The only real edit I think you should consider is:

The skies have dissolved along with these dreams,
The birds have all gone insane

I think this verse is a little over the top and detracts from the poem instead of adding to it.

Keep posting!

Cheers,
Kimberly

[thoke]

Pretty good. I agree with juliadebeauvoir about those two lines.

And was this a typo?..

and then …..again,
….out.

Other than that I can't really see any problems. Oh I don't personally like the first letter of each line being capitalised, it tends to look sort of ugly and distracting. But that's just me and if you disagree you shouldn't change it.

So yeah, it's really good I think. Just needs tidying up.

[kidult]

Yo all,

Thank you for your comments. Basically, the poem is quite personal. It is about living under certain cultural and family expectations/values to be a certain way. i.e dainty, pretty, innocent etc. To clarify, the poem is about the guilt felt having sexual fantasies.

I must have revised the poem three times, each time trying a little harder not to be so vague.
I guess I wanted to remain inexplicit, but had no idea that it was still so baffling.

Looking at the poem again, i suppose the two lines are not completely necessary, or perhaps should have used a better word than 'dreams.'

kidult

[Yesterday]

Not much one of erotica.. but somehow i like this... it is not dirtily written, but it clebrates such things...

didn't quite understand the refereance to India...

great work!

[Wabznasm]

Welcome to the forum Kidult.

I'm mixed about this poem I'm afraid.

I really don't like the first two lines:

I weep, I swoon, I torture myself,
I am the trembling rose in the palm of your hand,

It feels much too archaic and doesn't really appear to be your voice. I'd expect this sort of language more in Romantic poetry than in contemporary writing. It's odd too, because you change from this eloquence to a grittier voice that I think suits the poem more. Still, if it was your desire to make the style appear eloquent at the beginning in order to add to the context of the poem (repressed, pretty desire into dirty, sexual desire) then ignore what I've just said.

and then out.
And then in,
and then …..again,
….out.
is a nice idea but I think you over use it. It makes the meaning far too obvious and over simplifies it. I would suggest maybe cutting that a lot shorter - make it more suggestive as at the moment it appears (sorry to say) a little tacky.

But then the poem suddenly sells itself with the proceeding lines.

The skies have dissolved along with these dreams,
The birds have all gone insane.
And I’m just sick and prowling in my scabious mind.
is a fantastic passage. Wonderful images.

I would liked to have seen more sexual metaphors in this line:
This crimped and trodden and defected rose - but subtle ones.

The conclusion is well done, and you do get your ideas of sexual repression and desire across very nicely. I just think the poem suffers a a bit at the beginning but then picks up excellent momentum.

I hope all that helps
Thanks
Dave

[arunansu]

Dear Kidult,

Its a nice feeling reading your poem. As I am an Indian, the lines "splendour of India " struck me more than anything else.Did you mean to use the "conservativeness" or the "natural beauty" as our country caters to both. Apart from this, the poem sounds good. Wabnazm has made some good points about it. I also feel the same.
Thank you for sharing.
Cheers,
-Arunansu

[kidult]

Hey again,

I think it is quite funny that I got two quite opposing criticism about the poem. I think what I was trying to do was just show that kind of internal conflict with one’s self. On one hand I do want to be this pretty thing, but cannot stop the feelings of my true self, perhaps a little kinkier than my exterior. So in response to [i]wabznasm[/i], I wanted to use language that would show both sides and was done on purpose.

But I really do agree with you that the [i]‘in-out’ [/i]lines are a little tacky. But I was not sure if I was going to make a snap from that kind of romantic imagery (in just one line or something, like “[i]have me right now on the table!” (lol)) [/i]or to show me slowly fading into a different mind frame.

The bit about india is in reference to both, I guess. It’s a land that is beautiful, culturally and scenically, and have many graceful beautiful women. To clear confusions, I’m an Indian living in England. So I suppose that is where the general anxiety over sexual practise comes from.

kidult

[Heidi]

Hi Kidult...

Appreciate such a personal statement. The poem itself has some good verse. For example, " The skies have dissolved along with these dreams,
The birds have all gone insane." Birds a s a symbol never wears itself out. Pablo Neruda would watch birds for hours on the beach. Not to go off on tangent! Also, your use of eroticism is beautiful, sensitive and emotional. Nice job..not everyone can write of sexual fantasies in such a delicate way.

heidi

[thefallofRome]

Hello Kidult.

I enjoyed this poem for the most part. It's not too erotic and it has some nice lines ( I especially like the bit about the bird and India )
I did, however, think that

But the rose,
But this dwelling rose,
This crimped and trodden and defected rose,

was a tad bit drawn out. Perhaps if you deleted the second "but" ... I'm not sure, but I just felt that it interrupted the flow of everything.

[Gypsy Cake]

Nice one kidult.
I too like the india line it sounds beautiful, and gives a lot to ones imagination.

Good luck with future poems, I look forward to reading them.