desolée

[thefallofRome]

this is the first draft. i'm very open to suggestions.


desolée

I.

the weight of her head,
so full of stagnant thought,
filling the pale palms
of her hands
with heaviness
and heat.

the cigarette,
half smoked,
resting on the vicious edge
of the ash tray
about a foot away;
the smoke dancing upward
from the softly whispering tip
that steadily ebbs away,
emitting the rotting scent
of burnt tobacco.

the room is filled
with even more grey.

II.

eyes closed in a grimace,
brows drawn closer,
a look of exhaustion.
the window was left unclosed
and the door ajar
having stopped its lazy swinging
after being throw open,
slammed, and victim to inertia.

the air trickled in,
feeling foreign
amidst the darker,
contained atmosphere.

the imprint of his presence lingered
as if reluctant
and angry.

she felt his disbelief,
his hurt, and
the slowed beating of her heart.

III.

her limbs, thin and still,
elbows propped
on the sweetened wood
of the table
at which, once,
he painted, using his hands
and his colors
as if the canvas
was her skin.

shivers ran up her arms,
the curve before her knee,
the back of her neck.
as if he was there again.

"c'était une
méprise."

she can still smell
her clothes, and
the cold has not yet dulled.

[Minstrel]

This is boring tfor. It says nothing, does nothing...the only high point was
'the room is filled with even more grey'.
If its a cry for help, then join the multitude and not a poetry forum. If not, then try to say more within the structure. If indeed structure is your intent.

Get your shit out.

[twoleftfeet]

Tfor,

I think you manage to build an atmosphere in this one, especially:

of the table
at which, once,
he painted, using his hands
and his colors
as if the canvas
was her skin.

- but I think that, overall, the poem reads like prose e.g.

the smoke dancing upward
from the softly whispering tip
that steadily ebbs away,
emitting the rotting scent
of burnt tobacco.

- I'm sure that if you try you can rephrase and condense this.

One final comment - not everyone here speaks French, and I suspect that you speak it well because you have chosen words that are capable of
several interpretations. It would help to provide a glossary or a link.

Geoff

[RhyminJimi]

paints an atmosphere but does'nt tell a story. I could see it working inscribed around a sepia photograph