Honey Don't (redrafted again)

[thoke]

So there are three versions of this poem now. If I'm lucky, the new one is the best. But I dunno. I'm not sure about the title either. I wanted to name it after a Beatles song, but maybe I could have chosen better. Any ideas?


My dad brought down his
record player from the attic
for when I came home
and it sits with me in this room
where the night presses in on us.

The weather was good today so
we sat outside and
drank from cans while the madwoman
pissed in the attic
in cups on the floor.

Eleven Beatles records back
to back aches like it's telling me
something terrible;
weird celebrities
– they picket and propogate it:

Terrifying strangulation
of this bird and of what went on
in her mind, all torn to dust which
stubbornly clings to the top of
the record player.


2nd draft

My dad brought down his
record player from the attic
for when I came home;
so now it sits with me near the
strangled, looming sky.

The weather was nice
so we sat in the sun and drank
while the madwoman
with the record player pissed in
teacups on the floor.

Eleven Beatles records back
to back aches like it's
straining, trying to work out what
goes on in her brain
that could tear her up so badly.


Original version

My dad brought his record player
down from the attic for the Easter holidays.
Now sitting at the PC in my room, strangled,
the sky is dark and something pisses in cups.

The weather was nice so we sat in the sun
and we drank at strange times while the
madwoman in the record player went mouldy.
I dont know what goes on in her seaside mind.

Eleven Beatles records back to back aches
like its trying to tell me something terrible:
everyone is crazy picketing and weird
celebrities propogate the strangulation.

[Gypsy Cake]

I'm afraid to say that the purpose and meaning of this were not clear to me. I don't have any what idea what your trying to say. Therefore I can't comment on the structure vocab, flow etc...which seem perfectly good.

See what other people say. Maybe I've just missed something.

Dec.

[thoke]

Thanks for the comment. You're right, it was too obscure. I've rewritten it with a metre, and it makes a bit more sense (I hope).

[Wabznasm]

Thoke,

I always look forward to your imagination and you haven't let me down here.

Over all, I really like this.

The hint of a darkness (the madwoman - corporations? the public? mechanisation? the imagination? madness? I think the ambiguity of this is perfect) eases into the poem deftly. I also think your humour is one of the things carrying the poem:

'with the record player pissed in
teacups on the floor.' is fantastic. Ever read any Burroughs? This seems very close.

As for the re-write. Well... I'm unsure to be honest. While, on a whole, the rewrite is definitely in accordance with the modern idiom, I think there are some better lines in the original:

like its trying to tell me something terrible:
everyone is crazy picketing and weird
celebrities propogate the strangulation. are, I think, three excellent closing lines. You don't really have this sort of reference in the rewrite which may detract from it somewhat. Still, this idea of strangulation leads me onto my dislikes with the poem.

strangled, looming sky. just doesn't work. For two reasons really. Firstly, the image (and this reminds me of a criticism you made about one of my poems a while back) is a bit overly dramatic. I think it's the two words you use. I would change it to 'strangling' and maybe find another word that isn't 'looming' (it's a bit archaic).
Secondly, it doesn't fit in the context of the poem. It's a strangled looming sky and yet suddenly the weather is nice. This odd contradiction, though, could be changed I reckon. Perhaps rewriting the second stanza in a way to let the reader know that you found a brief moment of oxygen in the sky. At the moment it's too flippant.

My only other problem (apart from a reference to rock music - arg, why can't people make references to anything else? ) is the term 'back
to back'. but I am going to remove this criticism mid sentence since I actually think it's a nice touch. The split leads onto the 'back aches' whicih is actually very clever. Ignore what I just said.

I like this voice you are developing. It's very understated and often littered with the stange, ephemeral images you scattered in your previous poems. My only worry is that, with this proactive change of yours, are you losing your style? It's one of my main worries when I see people changing their writing in accordance with PGs. Are you losing your style and reverting to something tried and tested? It's a worry that plagues me too!

Still, with a few changes I would tenatively say this should be moved.

Hope that all helps
Dave

[thoke]

Hi Dave, thanks for taking the time to make so many comments, you've given me lots to think about.

I'm glad you like the last three lines of the original. I think I liked them too, but I left them out because I thought they probably wouldn't make sense to anyone. Maybe that was a mistake.

I think you're absolutely right about the two problems with 'strangled, looming sky'. It's a shame, because I like the image on its own, but I agree that it doesn't really work in this context.

I am a bit worried that by being more accessible I might become totally unoriginal. The one I wrote that got moved to the experience bit - I don't actually like it any more. It doesn't sound like I wrote it.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, the might be another redraft here soon.

Ben

[Coyne]

I like both of the drafts in different ways. I think with a bit work, and using some of the advice already given to you, you're almost onto a very good poem. I don't quite understand it and the transition from literal halfway through (is that right?) is a bit confusing, but it's very enjoyable to read