I travelled back in time today

[oranggunung]

I travelled back in time today
Before the flame came at command
Meandered through tall grassy leas
And saw the mighty forests stand

I travelled back in time today
Before invention of the wheel
And walked beside a watercourse
Heard eagles cry and finches reel

I travelled back in time today
Before the advent of the gun
When hunting game was not a game
When killing creatures wasn’t fun

I travelled back in time today
Before the sailors set to sea
And fragile habitats remained
On islands of obscurity

I travelled back in time today
Before the spread of city light
And marvelled at the limpid skies
The brightness of the night

I leapt ahead in time today
In mathematic model space
And found that all the melted ice
Had drowned the human race
The planet was now blue again
And on the silver sand
Were tracks of the next mariners
To colonise the land

[dedalus]

Almost

[David]

Very good og. You make a good point (an obvious one, but still worth making) with skill. The rhymes all work, and they don't make you lose control of what you want to say.

I'd say this is a good one.

Cheers

David

[Gypsy Cake]

Good good. The rhyme worked well. imho though there's too much on the going back then suddenly one stanza on going foward. I don't know, perhaps you could have at least one intermediate step in which you refer to how you see the world now.

But yeah, thought the structure, use of word, technique were all pretty spot on just the movement through the story.

Look forwrd to your next attempt. Dec

[kozmikdave]

Well I was impressed, anyway.

Rhyme and rhythm was natural and just flowed.

Gets to the point without being too preachy and does it quite cleverly.

I was not thrown by the sudden jump, and thought that it was about the present - using the past as contrast.

I am not sure of having an 8-line final stanza although I can see why you have done it.

Enjoyed the read, Og

Cheers
Dave

[oranggunung]

Thank you for the encouraging feedback.

The idea, as Koz identified, was that the narrator is in the present looking back at all of the changes that have happened. Their only access to the future is by modelling. As the reliability of the models are still under discussion, it didn't seem appropriate to linger on that part for too long.

og

[Heidi]

Hi Og...

I liked your sense of rhyme, it worked. Rhyme for rhyme's sake does not work and you did not employ that at all. The use of repeating words/sentence was successful also. Repetition can be a useful tool for a writer.

The poem was literal, and a narrative. Each stanza painting word pictures and "telling a story" of human progression/destruction. Good job.

heidi