Poetry Forum

I have not yet thought of a title for this; so far, it is


untitled


I never allowed myself to be much more
than the slowness in which your breath
skimmed my back.
I slept with my head
underneath your chin,
lips almost touching your chest,
and I memorized your smell
as if i’d never see you again.

It was then that the warmth really struck me.
I knew at that moment that my skin was better suited
for cold,
and that the heat between us
would eventually burn my blood,
singeing the walls of my veins
and ruining the beautiful motion
and the rhythm of their circulation.

We would fall into the lack of cold,
half delirious and rash,
with a temerarious intensity.
We would leave too many windows open,
and our kisses
would trail recklessness
down the soft angles of
each other’s bodies.

It is difficult to leave
when removing ourselves, away from the softness
of linen sheets and damp hands,
calls for broken parts—
bits of our bones, the core of our strength—
so that our feet might grace
something solid
on our descent.

I traced the slight incline of your pale shoulder
with a trembling fingertip,
almost stirring you from sleep
as i touched the sensitivity there,
intimately and without fear.
I moved in closer, fitting myself into your shape,
releasing forethought
and falling into heat.



.

Enjoyed this. Not a lot to add, I'm afraid. I'm not much of a romantic so I was pleased it didn't get to squishy or Mills & Boone. Just enough Biology to keep me happy.

Cheers
dave

This is really a lovely image of two bodies in bed. Nice job relating the intimacy which goes on there. The only crit I have is 'form'. I would suggest that you work on your line breaks so they are not long and short but something smoother in between. Also 'i' does not work. Makes it look like I am reading the work of a teenager--and it is definitely not the work of a teenager! Either use a big i or none at all. It detracts from a very mature look at love.

Cheers,
Kimberly

Kimberly--

Oops. Sorry about the "i". I usually write poems by hand first, so when I type them, I tend to skip over capitalization.
But you're right about how it detracts from the mature look of the poem, and I'll be more careful about case sensitivity.

And thank you for saying that the poem doesn't seem as if it is the work of a teenager... I'm actually fifteen years old, so I'm grateful for such a comment.

Thanks :]
thefallofRome.

Nice write! Perhaps a shorter version would have been more effective, but I guess that is only me.Thanx for sharing.
-Arunansu

tfoR

An enjoyable read.

S2 appeared to be warning of the self-destructive nature of the 'affair'. With that knowledge, is one meant to read something more into the last line?

Would 'falling into heat' be a suitable title for the poem?


og

This is pretty good, and I'm struggling to find anything wrong with it.
The only issue I have is with the lack of capitalisation, which has already been mentioned. It would be worth editing your post and capitalising the 'i's and the first letter of each sentence, just to make it look tidier.

But that's the only problem I can see.

It's good. Very good for someone your age.

Ben

More of the same from me really - I love the intimacy of this poem, I can almost feel the heat from the bodies, so much heat that it scares, yet pulls you further in and you are powerless to resist.
You capture the feeling of watching a lover sleep, which almost borders on voyeurism (we've all done it!), yet it is also your "right" to be there and do that, as their lover.

fitting myself into your shape, releasing forethought
and falling into heat.

- you take your rightful place (for now...) in the space left for you in your lover's shape, and fall into the heat of what you know may eventually destroy you should it cease to be. Magic!
I really don't agree about making all the lines begin with caps, I never do, as I find that can look too contrived and prissy - just let it flow as it should, you've capitalised the first word in every individual line anyway.[/quote]

Fantastic job Rome. I really loved the imagery in this.

I kind of agree that a shorter poem would be more accesible, but that is ultinmately down to how you want to write your poem. At least it wasn't full of reiterations, and so the length actually had a directrion.

Gareth

I love this poem, and it reminds me of how I strive to write. The first line is beautiful, and your form on the page reminds me instantly of the breathing you talk about all the way through.
The tenderness with which you write is juxtaposed beautifully against the almost startling sentiment of loss and fragility. The second stanza in which you cleverly use warmth to describe the feelings of impending hurt is carried on as a theme cleverly and subtely.
This poem is well written and sensitive. You encompass deep-rooted fears and feelings with imagery that is both accessable and romantic. I was transfixed!

Wel Done Rome - It takes me back to those treasured moments of my own, where I would lay awake observing the other. It brings to mine a piece I wrote 30 years ago that dwelled on the intense thoughts that raced through my mind during that interlude. Moments like that get lost in the day to day sensory overload.

Your obsevations are clean and pure, giving the piece an unspoiled vision. It takes the reader into their own moments of kind where youthful clarity and unabashed emotion were the norm and unhindered passion swept one into blissful, lustful repast. But still question the motivation of the moment. You create a circle of impassioned thought and the reality of the union of body to body and soul to soul.

From an emo-critique

s1 - Stiring, involving, obvious
s2 - Troubling, worried, harsh
s3 - enticing, exhilarating
s4 - sadness, pain
s5 - re-engaging, relenting

I love this piece

Dag

This grabbed me. When I read on that you were fifteen I was stunned. I would agree, this is not the work of a teenager, typically. I enjoyed this very much.

I'm in agreement that is really good stuff.

I loved the way the tension and danger of the passion was realised,
We would fall into the lack of cold,
half delirious and rash,
with a temerarious intensity.
Great lines there.

I'm also struggling to find somethinig to be nitpicky about...

Tfor,

I agree with Og about the title.

A fine poem, especially from one so young.

I had to look up temerarious - are you studying Latin?
(he asked seeing ROME in your monicker)

Great ending
Geoff