Love's Loss is a Poem's Gain

[arunansu]

One optimistic morning,
me engaged in fabricating
several lines of a verse
around two devoted lovers
whispering
in a paradisal twilight.
But a pair of house hold sparrows,
wrangle
in their newly made dwelling
up in my skylight
-deflecting my write.


Busy palpitant couple
hops and stops, flutters and fly,
he says "yes"
maybe, she says "no"
he pleads "come", she refuses "go"
until they fall apart,
leaving their caring nest
some tripes and litter
dreams and feather
in a Love’s empty chest.


And then
in my poem as well,
the lovers have
an isotropic story to tell
he says "yes", she says "no"
he pleads "come", she refuses to go
until they fall apart,
concluding the poesy.
Much noisy
quarrels in vain
dropping out
remnants of pain
as Love’s loss
and … a poem’s gain!

[Minstrel]

Good stuff Arunansu.

Very quaint and quite clever the way you've weaved a picture of yourself writing the poem whilst interpreting the 'action'. Really good.

Also liked the tumbling use of language in this, which mirrors the tumbling out of love, specifically relevant to the way birds fall out.

Only thing I wasn't keen on was the final exclamation. It jars with the mood of the whole thing and really isn't needed. It almost sounds like self exultation at the poets own cleverness, which I know wasn't your intention but perhaps needs re-phrasing, re-punctuating. In fact I'm not sure is needed at all.

In any case, very good.

[oranggunung]

arunansu

It must be me. I can't seem to read some of your pieces properly.

This one missed the mark for me. It looked like a grammar gremlin had assaulted the poem, leaving me in confusion as I read it. I take it that was a deliberate device. The story and the imagery was fine, but I had great trouble reading through the poem.

Forgive my ignorance, but is isotropic the correct word. From my researches it appears to mean 'the same in all directions'. Would 'isotopic' be more appropriate? Reading posts on this site has been most invigorating for my vocabulary, so I'm perfectly happy to concede that my ignorance has laid me bare again.

I appreciate the echoes of S2 in S3, but those echoes seem to be reiterations, rather than reinterpretations. Is it essential to use the same quoted words in both?

Not sure if I should be venting my frustrations at not being able to understand the poesy correctly, yet opinions are all I can give.

og

[arunansu]

Dear Oranggunung,

Thanks for going through my poem, though with difficulty. You are right, instead of using "isotropic", I might have used "identical".Actually here I meant that the story of the lovers are following the "same direction" as of the sparrows - falling apart. The quarrelling of the sparrows seemed to have "seeped in" to his poem! That is another reason I reiterated the echoes.It was deliberate. It is as if the echoes of the constant bickering outside has landed to the poem through the poet's heart.

I await for your further comment on this.
Cheers,
-Arunansu

[oranggunung]

Arunansu

I understand the way the activity of the sparrows is supposed to find itself represented in the poem. I was wondering if there was a way of being less direct about it

he says "yes"
maybe, she says "no"
he pleads "come", she refuses "go"
until they fall apart,

from S2 becomes

he says "yes", she says "no"
he pleads "come", she refuses "go"
until they fall apart,

in S3

isn't it possible to avoid repeating this verbatim?

I think the 'until they fall apart' line is strongest here and could bear the repeat, but not the others .

og

[Gypsy Cake]

love the title. No time for full critique but just wanted to compliment.
Hope nobody minds.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday mate

The idea is excellent. As og mentions though, some of the words don't flow for me in this one. Part of the problem is the use of words I'm not used to, eg "paradisal". I am uncertain of your accent, but I have tried saying this with a fake Indian accent, and I think it helps, hehehe. It may just be my ignorance of the way to read it, so don't get too upset.

Your poems always fire my imagination and I enjoy the pictures you paint. This still comes through with this one even though I found some of the language difficult.

Good one
Dave