Poetry Forum

I long to feel you lying here beside me,
Yet just to sleep, no other aim in sight;
I only wish to watch you while you're sleeping,
My patient soul a silent vigil keeping
Against the nameless shadows of the night.

I yearn to touch your hair without your knowing,
To lift a wayward strand from off your face,
Whilst dreams still hold your conciousness within,
Sweet dreams that keep you innocent from sin,
To hear your slumbered hearts' own precious pace.

I want to kiss your skin before you waken,
To brush your lips with mine before you rise;
For never could I rest, until I knew
The world intends no ills or harm to you -
Until your new-day smile adorns my eyes.

Gidday Lu59

Nice use of rhyme and rhythm for me. Thought this could almost be a song, the way it flows.

I like the idea of looking, wanting to touch but not wanting to disturb. It is almost a paradox, for as soon as you do, you ruin what it was you wanted to be part of. (I'm raving. Stop me!)

In the last verse, you could be talking about a child. I was not quite as enamoured with that stanza.

My biggest criticism is that the language is a little too ye-olde-worlde. It reminds me a little of old hymns from my childhood. I'm wondering if you couldn't modernise a tad.

Nice one
Dave

Hi Dave
Thanks for your comments.
I don't want to stop your raving, I like the paradox idea! I see what you are saying about the last stanza - yes, I suppose it does read like that. But in this particular relationship, I was the actually the physically stronger one, and therefore felt protective. The poem was inspired by The Power of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood, so it's good that you find it almost like a song lyric.
Re: the olde worlde bit - I write in many different poetic forms, as I love to experiment, and one of my favourites is the classic sonnet form - in particular, I love writing paradoxical sonnets, where there is a "twist in the tail" in the final couplet - so it sounds like some of that has unintenionally crept into this poem!
I believe that it's good to stretch ones' creative abilities by embracing different styles, not just sticking to one or two forms that you feel comfortable with. I find that the poetic form seems to choose itself whenever I start to write a poem, which is quite good of it really! Nine times out ten I think the style does suit the subject, but perhaps I need to re-work this one a little.
Lu

Hi Lu59,

Lu is my last name, that's why I chose to read yours first.

I agree with Dave on rhythm and rhyme and it sounds very lyrical and soothing to me. I like its clarity as well.

Lake

Hi Lake
Thanks for that, I appreciate it. I see you are quite new - welcome aboard!
Lu