Should you come to me
In the shadows of the night,
With the wind still restless in your hair,
And the moons' soft silver light
Shaking each intention free
From logic, reason and care,
Then come to me -
Before the stars lose their bearing
In the dark dome above,
Before the ocean stops turning
from tide to tide, before love
Recedes, and scatters on the shore the sharing
We once knew; before the burning
Sun reclaims this fragile night.
Just come to me now
While darkness holds my hand,
That I may move from dream to dream
And your image will not forsake me.
Come to me now, that it may seem
I am not alone: that, at my command,
I have both friend and lover -
Or else break me...
Come to Me
Lu,
I've been meaning to comment on this for a while.
The tone of this is very romantic. Since I know you have a great affection for archaic writing I'm going to comment on it within that context.
It is, as emuse says, musical.
I particularly like the reversal of the day/night imagery. Usually the day is good, but here it is the night.
A few images and phrases strike me as cliched though:
In the shadows of the night,
In the dark dome above,
Before the ocean stops turning
from tide to tide, (particularly the sea image. I've heard this just too often).
before the burning
Sun reclaims this fragile night.
I know you are concsciously writing in a period not today here, but I think that even these expressions would seem formulaic and trite back then too.
Come to me now, that it may seem - would 'so it may seem' work better?
I know you are going for rhythm, but are logic and reason the same things?
A nice sense of pathos with the imagery of things ending. Before desire runs out and we all die. Very traditional, but well written.
We once knew; before the burning
Sun reclaims this fragile night. - While I think this is cliched, I think the structure is excellent. As though the day summarises all of the images beforehand. The semi-colon is spot on.
An interesting transition in Lines 16 and 17, as if the lover is alseep, and the darkness is not literal but a metaphorical dream-scape.
I'm unsure about the concluding two lines. Are they non-sequiturs? All of a sudden, the dreamed person is both a friend and a lover. It makes sense, but it seems an odd thing to throw in. I would prefer to hear about the narrator becoming satiated by the end.
Secondly, 'Or else break me...' doesn't fit for me. As though you've struggled with an ending and had to finish on that. It strikes me as a deus ex machina, a way to finish easily. I assumed not 'coming to me' would break the narrator anyway. I think something like 'Or else break me' states the obvious and the assumed.
To be honest, I think this would be better with an altered end, or finishing on 'I am not alone'.
I hope some of that helps
Dave
I've been meaning to comment on this for a while.
The tone of this is very romantic. Since I know you have a great affection for archaic writing I'm going to comment on it within that context.
It is, as emuse says, musical.
I particularly like the reversal of the day/night imagery. Usually the day is good, but here it is the night.
A few images and phrases strike me as cliched though:
In the shadows of the night,
In the dark dome above,
Before the ocean stops turning
from tide to tide, (particularly the sea image. I've heard this just too often).
before the burning
Sun reclaims this fragile night.
I know you are concsciously writing in a period not today here, but I think that even these expressions would seem formulaic and trite back then too.
Come to me now, that it may seem - would 'so it may seem' work better?
I know you are going for rhythm, but are logic and reason the same things?
A nice sense of pathos with the imagery of things ending. Before desire runs out and we all die. Very traditional, but well written.
We once knew; before the burning
Sun reclaims this fragile night. - While I think this is cliched, I think the structure is excellent. As though the day summarises all of the images beforehand. The semi-colon is spot on.
An interesting transition in Lines 16 and 17, as if the lover is alseep, and the darkness is not literal but a metaphorical dream-scape.
I'm unsure about the concluding two lines. Are they non-sequiturs? All of a sudden, the dreamed person is both a friend and a lover. It makes sense, but it seems an odd thing to throw in. I would prefer to hear about the narrator becoming satiated by the end.
Secondly, 'Or else break me...' doesn't fit for me. As though you've struggled with an ending and had to finish on that. It strikes me as a deus ex machina, a way to finish easily. I assumed not 'coming to me' would break the narrator anyway. I think something like 'Or else break me' states the obvious and the assumed.
To be honest, I think this would be better with an altered end, or finishing on 'I am not alone'.
I hope some of that helps
Dave