Ominous Signs
Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Disturbed,
cats climb up trees; dogs
bark far and near; fish
jump out of bubbling water.
A night like this is rare.
Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.
Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind charcoal clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. Not long the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
Ominous Signs
Hi Lake
Chilling...!
We experienced an fairly significant earthquake (for the UK!) here in Kent not long ago, and that was scary enough! We all thought a bomb had gone off, or that there had been an explosion underground. But what you capture so very well here is "the calm before the storm", the ominous signs that you so aptly describe with the cats and dogs behaving weirdly, and "the fish jumping out of bubbling water".
I can't begin to imagine what
I like the reversion to the specifics of Nature in S3, with the moon and
stars hiding behind a cloud, as though with guilt and shame, they being part of Nature, the cause of all the devastation.
Your final line is superb - it sums up the isolation of the girl, and her impending horror, as she begins to realise what has happened.
Chilling...!
We experienced an fairly significant earthquake (for the UK!) here in Kent not long ago, and that was scary enough! We all thought a bomb had gone off, or that there had been an explosion underground. But what you capture so very well here is "the calm before the storm", the ominous signs that you so aptly describe with the cats and dogs behaving weirdly, and "the fish jumping out of bubbling water".
I can't begin to imagine what
must be like, but your simple, stark sentence says it all.In a blink the city in ruins.
I like the reversion to the specifics of Nature in S3, with the moon and
stars hiding behind a cloud, as though with guilt and shame, they being part of Nature, the cause of all the devastation.
Your final line is superb - it sums up the isolation of the girl, and her impending horror, as she begins to realise what has happened.
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Lake
I like the development of the story. S1 – before, S2 – during, S3 – after.
The language is evocative and its telling understated.
I have some reservations too.
S1 – the structure seems a little confused/contrived. The use of enjambment feels a little laboured. The punctuation doesn’t seem to fit.
Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Disturbed,
S2 – the noises described are obviously appropriate, but perhaps a little clichéd.
clangs and clanks
squeak and squawk
moan and groan
S3 – a confusion of language. Not sure if this is a device or a mistake. I don’t think you need the last line at all.
Not long the voice fades.
Some version of this would act as a strong finishing point, imo.
Look forward to reading more of your posts
og
I like the development of the story. S1 – before, S2 – during, S3 – after.
The language is evocative and its telling understated.
I have some reservations too.
S1 – the structure seems a little confused/contrived. The use of enjambment feels a little laboured. The punctuation doesn’t seem to fit.
Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Disturbed,
S2 – the noises described are obviously appropriate, but perhaps a little clichéd.
clangs and clanks
squeak and squawk
moan and groan
S3 – a confusion of language. Not sure if this is a device or a mistake. I don’t think you need the last line at all.
Not long the voice fades.
Some version of this would act as a strong finishing point, imo.
Look forward to reading more of your posts
og
Lake,
A great first-ish post.
It's very descriptive, but manages to avoid being a 'scene' by having your wry little comment at the end. I was waiting for the author's voice to jump in at some point, and you didn't dissapoint.
We experienced an fairly significant earthquake (for the UK!) here in Kent not long ago, and that was scary enough! - Hehe, I woke up and thought someone had slammed the door.
Anyway, onto some crits:
I think, like OG, some of the language was a bit ill-used. Especially the way you use it. I didn't mind the playful imagery, like the houses sqauwking. But I wasn't a huge fan of the way you put them together. I.e., 'noun/verb and noun/verb ', and so forth:
bark far and near
quake and crack
clangs and clanks
squek and squawk
walls and roofs
moan and groan
Moon and stars
I think a bit of restraint would have been useful here. The tone of this poem is a serious one. These lines appeared too playful, too frivolous and shot up the scenario for me somewhat.
darkness creeps in - while evocative, I think this is a little cliched.
Like Lu, I particularly like how nature then hides after showing so many signs.
I would like to see more done of behind charcoal clouds.
Something with the 'clouds' part, since it's a bit dull. Personally, I had the image of all the dust floating up and into the clouds, embodying the clouds with the earth's own ruin. But it's your call.
The girl is a fantastic puzzle piece, and particularly well worked in. You needed something like that, and you throroughly pulled it off with her.
Nice one
Dave
A great first-ish post.
It's very descriptive, but manages to avoid being a 'scene' by having your wry little comment at the end. I was waiting for the author's voice to jump in at some point, and you didn't dissapoint.
We experienced an fairly significant earthquake (for the UK!) here in Kent not long ago, and that was scary enough! - Hehe, I woke up and thought someone had slammed the door.
Anyway, onto some crits:
I think, like OG, some of the language was a bit ill-used. Especially the way you use it. I didn't mind the playful imagery, like the houses sqauwking. But I wasn't a huge fan of the way you put them together. I.e., 'noun/verb and noun/verb ', and so forth:
bark far and near
quake and crack
clangs and clanks
squek and squawk
walls and roofs
moan and groan
Moon and stars
I think a bit of restraint would have been useful here. The tone of this poem is a serious one. These lines appeared too playful, too frivolous and shot up the scenario for me somewhat.
darkness creeps in - while evocative, I think this is a little cliched.
Like Lu, I particularly like how nature then hides after showing so many signs.
I would like to see more done of behind charcoal clouds.
Something with the 'clouds' part, since it's a bit dull. Personally, I had the image of all the dust floating up and into the clouds, embodying the clouds with the earth's own ruin. But it's your call.
The girl is a fantastic puzzle piece, and particularly well worked in. You needed something like that, and you throroughly pulled it off with her.
Nice one
Dave
Thank you all! I think I start to love this place.
Lu59,
Thank you for your read and comment. I enjoyed reading your interpretation. This is the earthquake I personally experienced.
"the calm before the storm", "the girl" are what I was trying to describe.
Glad you captured it.
Many thanks.
Lu59,
Thank you for your read and comment. I enjoyed reading your interpretation. This is the earthquake I personally experienced.
"the calm before the storm", "the girl" are what I was trying to describe.
Glad you captured it.
Many thanks.
oranggunung,
Thank you for your time reading and giving detailed critiques!
You read me well--the development and the understatement.
Many thanks!
Thank you for your time reading and giving detailed critiques!
You read me well--the development and the understatement.
Can you give me any suggestion as what you would write to make it sound more natural?S1 – the structure seems a little confused/contrived. The use of enjambment feels a little laboured. The punctuation doesn’t seem to fit.
Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Disturbed,
I admit that I tried to use the sound effect. Any better suggestions?S2 – the noises described are obviously appropriate, but perhaps a little clichéd.
clangs and clanks
squeak and squawk
moan and groan
Do you mean to remove "If uncertain before, now she knows." and use ‘Not long the voice fades.’as the last line?S3 – a confusion of language. Not sure if this is a device or a mistake. I don’t think you need the last line at all.
Not long the voice fades.
Many thanks!
Thank you Wabznasm for your generous comment, much appreciation!
I am glad the last line worked for your.
Greatly appreciated!
Lake
I am glad the last line worked for your.
As you list these lines here, they do look monotonous and boring don't they? I need to practice variety of sentence structures. Thanks for pointing this out.I think, like OG, some of the language was a bit ill-used. Especially the way you use it. I didn't mind the playful imagery, like the houses sqauwking. But I wasn't a huge fan of the way you put them together. I.e., 'noun/verb and noun/verb ', and so forth:
bark far and near
quake and crack
clangs and clanks
squek and squawk
walls and roofs
moan and groan
Moon and stars
I think a bit of restraint would have been useful here. The tone of this poem is a serious one. These lines appeared too playful, too frivolous and shot up the scenario for me somewhat.
Sometimes, it is hard to distinguish between cliched and non-cliched. For some expressions in one culture may sound cliched while in another fresh. That's how I feel from translation. But since it is written in English, I should care more about English readers. Again thank you for the reminder.darkness creeps in - while evocative, I think this is a little cliched.
It seems something more in depth is needed here.Like Lu, I particularly like how nature then hides after showing so many signs.
I would like to see more done of behind charcoal clouds.
Something with the 'clouds' part, since it's a bit dull. Personally, I had the image of all the dust floating up and into the clouds, embodying the clouds with the earth's own ruin. But it's your call.
Thanks for your nod. I will keep it in my future writing.The girl is a fantastic puzzle piece, and particularly well worked in. You needed something like that, and you throroughly pulled it off with her.
Greatly appreciated!
Lake