Tis foggy morn deemed so forlorn,
From distance sounds an augur horn
Upon the water gray and green
Sit tattered vessels o’ myth n’ dream
Aqua chariots of blue and white
Sway to and fro in dimming light
Haggard be, not one shown bright
Seek caring reprieve from this their plight
Here La Boehme sings pleadingly
While Mischief near by fleeting be
Camelot upon the sea, does seize
Avalon’s mist which drifts in breeze
Morning Star shines not these days
As Molly’s Dog still sleeping lays
Sea chariots come nigh with aloft fanfare
Of sooty birds dancing for meager share
A sailor’s pipe sparks in the night
Exposing embers in swirling flight
A wizened soul, grizzled and gray
Bathes patiently his ship of day
Mezza Luna beckons him near
Delivering tankards of golden cheer
Barbara blast a rocky tune
While blackened night gives way to moon
As misty tendrils of salt air
Wrap round the masts with seeming yare
The parting flocks wish better day
To the aging fleet of Half Moon Bay
Aging Fleet of Half-Moon Bay
Sorry Dag, but this does nothing at all for me.
Everything has been abandoned for the sake of rhyme. You seem to have abandoned your everyday speech in favour of some archaic tongue and twisted the syntax to fit in the rhymes.
Why not try using blank verse and concentrate on imagery - Remember, this is a forum for contemporary poetry - Leave the archaisms behind and use your originality.
Apologies for the negativity.
madawc
Everything has been abandoned for the sake of rhyme. You seem to have abandoned your everyday speech in favour of some archaic tongue and twisted the syntax to fit in the rhymes.
Why not try using blank verse and concentrate on imagery - Remember, this is a forum for contemporary poetry - Leave the archaisms behind and use your originality.
Apologies for the negativity.
madawc
Hi, this is my first ever critique, so please bear with me.
I enjoyed this. It seems designed to be read out loud, which always works well for me. I appreciated the rhythm and the title, The Ageing Fleet of Half Moon Bay, is evocative. I wonder if there is such a place as Half Moon Bay; the poem made me wonder. I also enjoyed the personification of the ships in the fleet.
I suppose the bit I would change would be the phrase 'o myth 'n' dream'; it sticks out as being a little old fashioned. 'Of myth and dream' would fit the metre just as well in my view and wouldn't look out of place.
Kerri
I enjoyed this. It seems designed to be read out loud, which always works well for me. I appreciated the rhythm and the title, The Ageing Fleet of Half Moon Bay, is evocative. I wonder if there is such a place as Half Moon Bay; the poem made me wonder. I also enjoyed the personification of the ships in the fleet.
I suppose the bit I would change would be the phrase 'o myth 'n' dream'; it sticks out as being a little old fashioned. 'Of myth and dream' would fit the metre just as well in my view and wouldn't look out of place.
Kerri
Hi All - Thanks again for the input.
Madawc - No need to apologize, thus the reason I have chosen to post here. Sincere observations are of more interest to me as I try to polish my prose and each individual observation has it's merit.
Kerri - Thank you for our observation, I had considered restructuring, however I was actually attempting to to be some what old fashioned in this piece since I am a sailor and am trying to capture some of that old style. Whether or not I have succeeded is another part of my growth and understanding of specific techniques.
The final piece will be much longer, since they are so many more boats in this particular port. I was capturing several moments I had witnessed while staying there. The area is beautiful, located on the central California coast and gives me constant inspiration as well as a great place to seek solice from my life in the rat race. Sitting on the pier or the beach watching the fog roll in is a great way to pass the time.
More to come later
Thanks again
Dag
Madawc - No need to apologize, thus the reason I have chosen to post here. Sincere observations are of more interest to me as I try to polish my prose and each individual observation has it's merit.
Kerri - Thank you for our observation, I had considered restructuring, however I was actually attempting to to be some what old fashioned in this piece since I am a sailor and am trying to capture some of that old style. Whether or not I have succeeded is another part of my growth and understanding of specific techniques.
The final piece will be much longer, since they are so many more boats in this particular port. I was capturing several moments I had witnessed while staying there. The area is beautiful, located on the central California coast and gives me constant inspiration as well as a great place to seek solice from my life in the rat race. Sitting on the pier or the beach watching the fog roll in is a great way to pass the time.
More to come later
Thanks again
Dag