Man In A Tent

[beautifulloser]

Hey All - this came to me driving home from work last night. Not sure about it but welcome any views.

It is about a little expedition at Glastonbury this year.

V1

little Freddie went out early in the morning
in wellington boots and a trilby hat
looking for pirates or blue haired vikings
with an eclectic range of eyeliner in their hand

well what you gonna do
with an implement like that

Chorus

can you decorate the gateway to my soul
your eyes are so beautiful
why don't you paint them gold

V2

little Freddie went out talking to the fairies
did I tell you your mother's name's Teresa
could stare you in the eyes and say I love you right now
but in my state of mind, you wouldn't believe it

far too many kinds
of social lubricants

Chorus

[donjuaninhell]

the "trilby hat" is too strange and good of a word to just let it sit there on its own. give it a rhyme, or talk about it a little: i don't know what a trilby hat looks like, and i bet not many other people do either: everything else in that first stanza, besides the viking-goth types, is fairly drab: and the line "well what you gonna do with an implement like that" is like charlie brown using the word shizzle.

how does freddie decorate your soul? does he have oils? pastels? easter egg dye? crayons?

and i don't know what you were going for at all with the the third line of V2.

[beautifulloser]

Haha! Hey Don, thanks for the shot up the arse mate.

Fair point about the trilby, I do want to take this idea further and I like that. Lots I can do with it.

The Viking and Pirate line, is because I met a Pirate and a Blue Haired Viking(!) (incidentally, it may be apparent at this time that I and them were in a hieghtened state of conciousness) and I requested my eyes be painted in a fanciful manner, to which the female viking obliged.

So, it's freddie being decorated.

Third line of V2. So, babbling my face off in a verbal stream of conciousness I start telling my girlfriend how lovely her mum is.

Recognising the fact it's "the drugs talking" my missus proceeds to tell me "never to have that again" as I "talk a load of rubbish". Quote, unquote.

What's one to say?, "ah baby, I love you - don't be like that, isn't everything marvellous", no one's perfect, eh?

BL
x

[twoleftfeet]

I have to disagree with DJH
- this has a kind of spaced-out Syd Barrett(See Emily Play) /Small Faces
(Itchycoo Park) feel which I think fits the subject of Glastonbury well.


Nice one - look forward to hearing it
Geoff
btw there's a typo - ecleCtic

[Kilravock]

The song sounds kind of crazy-that is why I liked it. I liked the reference to the soul. I wish more poets, on this forum, spoke on the soul.

[Kilravock]

can you decorate the gateway to my soul
your eyes are so beautiful
why don't you paint them gold

I really like this one it sounds to me like an offense you are raising against some system that you find unsatisfying; is it? I was wondering have you ever read any Novalis?

[beautifulloser]

Hey Guys

Thanks for the comments. I was unsure about it, but I also thought it felt right for Glasto, appreciated that comment TLF.

Kilravock: I have heard of him, but never read any german philosphy pre 1870. Do elaborate.

[twoleftfeet]

I reall love the ambiguity of "them" in
"why don't you paint them gold?"

It might even work as a chat-up line if you're BOTH out of it!

Geoff

[Kilravock]

My Dear, I can talk all the day on the subject of the German romantic poets; Particulary Novalis. I love his religious poetry; it seems to laugh at the arrogance of our humanity. The main thing that I can give you about him is that he shows you the inner life of the soul. There isn’t a lot on Novalis in English; wikipedia has some information. Barth translated and did an exegesis in his book "Dimensions of Faith". I wish that I could tell you more but I am afraid of over-talking. Something Novalis would have never done. You have to read him with all that you are, and leave all of your conceptions of what you think poetry is and embrace the Divine blackness. He has to be experienced; like Fenelon. I hope this can be a chat up line; I love to talk, if you havent figured that out. Should I have called you dear; Are you a man? IF you are I will say "My Sir". Its the welsh in me that loves dear.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday again BL

Liked the feel of this. It is obvious there was a cocktail of social lubricants at work here.

A nit-pick if I may. V1 sounds awkward - pirates, vikings with only one hand between them. And while range is singular, I am wanting to hear "eyeliners" or "eye makeup". And can the range be summarised as an implement? All my senses are screaming, "No!"

The trilby - I always thought it was a type of bowler hat - thought that was general knowledge. Maybe use "bowler" instead, if "trilby" baulks people.

can you decorate the gateway to my soul
your eyes are so beautiful
why don't you paint them gold

My mother used to call the eyes - the windows of the soul. I read it as such. Gateway is a much more interactive term and therefore not just just limited to Read-only - nice one.

In V2, there are a lot of issues. Maybe it is the lack of puctuation, but

did I tell you your mother's name's Teresa
could stare you in the eyes and say I love you right now
but in my state of mind, you wouldn't believe it

is more than ambiguous. It is frustrating to read as it stands.

Overall, good feel. I'd like to hear what you do with it.

Cheers
Dave

[beautifulloser]

Hey Dave

Thanks for the comments, really appreciated. Have put a melody to this now, and reworking some of the lyrics, think the suggestions are great thanks.

I'll think I'll keep the trilby in light of the comments actually. The Gateway to your soul reference are the eyes. Post to follow from me when I haul my arse upstairs and track the bastard!

Thanks for the feedback guys, if anyone else feels like chipping in, feel free.

BL