Flowers

[Ryder]

Some flowers look good when they're dead.
Crisp, with a muted colour.
Catch that moment and keep it,
like the memory of a fuller
yet gladly forsaken youth.

Others get knocked off by the rain.
Dissolve and bleed on the soil.
Remind us of the toil,
its futilty against the odds.

[beautifulloser]

Hey Ryder

I thought this started really promisingly the first two lines sucked me in. How you might look at the flower and regret the summer's passing like your youth, I can sort of understand, allbeit in the words of mick jagger . . . time, is on my side, ooo, yes it is.

The second stanza I did not like too much to be honest, the soil and toil rhyme was obvious and I can only assume you mean the toil of life? I wouldn't say the toil of life is making me dissolve or bleed.

As a suggestion perhaps:

Others get knocked off by the rain.
saturated in pressure
torn, left battered
its futilty against the odds.

Liked the concept behind this Rder, I think just tightening up that second stanza would improve it a great deal.

Cheers

BL

[Ryder]

Thanks BL.

Bit of a cliched topic I'm afraid. Probably haven't said anything that hasn't been said before.

Points taken and will consider. Thanks for the review. Appreciated.

[madawc]

Can you really have a cliched topic? I think that if this is the case then almost all poetry is cliche. No, all we have is life and death, it's how its written about that matters, and I think this poem says its piece without being classed as cliche. against the odds lets it down though. Could you not substitute the final two lines with reminders of toil and futility? The only other phrase to pick on is knocked off. It could mean killed as well as dislodged, unless this was your intention. Even so, it stands out a little too much.

madawc

[David]

madawc said: Can you really have a cliched topic? I think that if this is the case then almost all poetry is cliche. A very good point. (I don't think all poetry is cliche, by the way, but the trick is trying to avoid it).

I do agree with bl & madawc, the second stanza is a bit formulaicly dour and depressing, a sort of Thomas Hardy novel in thirty seconds. I quite like the use of get knocked off, though.

I like the first verse, especially Crisp, with a muted colour - but have you really "gladly" forsaken your youth? Could be - the more I think about it, the more possible it seems.

D.

[madawc]

I wasn't saying that most poetry was cliche, there was a conditional 'if' in there. I was trying to say that most, if not all, poetic themes have been covered time and again, but I don't think that there's such a thing as a cliched theme. If there was such a thing, then it follows that life is also a cliche because that's all we have to write about (and death of course). It's not what gets written about, but how it's written.

Still don't like knocked off, it can also mean stolen: that's three interpretations now.

madawc

[David]

madawc, read what I said again - I was agreeing with you.

David

[Kilravock]

That is a strange one. This poem to me reminds me of the 60's Beetnik poetry. The imagry was really good, but I couldnt help but wonder, what do the flowers represent? are they flowers or something else? Swedenborg and Jung spoke a lot about symbols and I myself cannot break myself from the habit.

[oranggunung]

Ryder

I seem to be a little slow to comment. Blame the outage. I found this a slightly disjointed piece. I followed the ideas, but didn’t feel they were dealt with carefully enough.

Like BL, the first 2 lines drew me in, but the 3rd line broke away from that description to what appears to be a command. I’m sure there must be a gentler way of presenting the simile.


Others get knocked off by the rain.

I know we're supposed to follow that the 'others' are other flowers, but you've wandered away from the subject a little, before you come back to it. Could 'other blooms', for example, be used to keep us on track?


its futilty against the odds.

‘futility’ needs another ‘i’.

You appear to have repeated yourself within just 5 words. This feels like it's sliding towards tautology.

Would an appropriate ending be:

Reminding us of the toil
and its futility.

??


It looks like there is ample space within the story for a third verse. (Did you intend this piece to be so bleak?) Are you not tempted to include a statement, in a more direct voice, concerning the flowers of the title?

I think the subject material here is very promising. It's just not quite working for me at the moment.


og

[arunansu]

Though I agree with Og, but I feel the piece is a nice attempt.I like the idea behind this piece.
Thanks for sharing.
Cheers.
-Arunansu

[beautifulloser]

Hey Ryder

Back again! This comment by Og articulates an opinion I'd share:

"It looks like there is ample space within the story for a third verse. (Did you intend this piece to be so bleak?) Are you not tempted to include a statement, in a more direct voice, concerning the flowers of the title?

I think the subject material here is very promising. It's just not quite working for me at the moment."

I think it could do with being "wrapped up" somehow, as a suggestion, perhaps giving a clear image about where you were when this happened perhaps, which might help link with what og is saying (if I am interpreting his post correctly) with "include a statement, in a more direct voice, concerning the flowers of the title?"

I too agree there is some promise in this piece, please do have a go reworking it, I am sure posters will give you an opinion on a revised post.

Cheers

BL

[Ryder]

I'm working on I'm working on it. You can't rush genius!

[beautifulloser]

Blimey Ryder! You've had two hours, what the hell's a matter with you!

[Kilravock]

I still have not been answered!