Your dark shadow suffocates my living
Gasping for the "oxygen of happiness"
A long drag of air, followed by a pause
Evaporates into dust, still choking
A relentless force, no sign of an end
The lights are on but no one's answering
I know how they operate, they just won't leave
But it takes 2 to tango, and nothing's changed
So now we're above the clouds, am I right?
For now, but descent is inevitable
Does it have to be? Any alternative?
Only you know the answer.
You are me.
So prove it.
*
Feedback appreciated
Addressing My Demons
-
J.R.Pearson
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:11 am
A few thoughts Philly: it's hard to read all yur stuff in Italics, try italisizing the pertinet issues or ppl speaking. Dont quote yourself when
u wanna make a fresh statement.
u wanna make a fresh statement.
Beyond the blind protozoan maestro & his wand--Ed Pavlic
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
Wow. Something powerful going on here I think.
The first five lines reeled me in, although I didn't see why there were quotation marks round 'oxygen of happiness'. Maybe I'm missing something?
I thought 'The lights are on but no one's answering' perhaps a variation on something of a cliche theme. I'm sure there's a better line available there. I didn't understand the following line; who are 'they'? Presumably not the demons as you're addressing them directly in the rest of the piece.
"It takes 2 to tango and nothing's changed" is a nice line, although personally I can't see what's gained by using the number 2 instead of the word two; it jars for me.
I found the last five lines interesting; indicative presumably of the struggle with the demons. A final observation though - what exactly is it that needs to be proved?
I think that the idea behind this is great, but for me it lacks a certain clarity; the struggle with the demons needs drawing out of it and into focus a little more. Maybe worth working it over?
Hope this helps a little.
Kerri x
The first five lines reeled me in, although I didn't see why there were quotation marks round 'oxygen of happiness'. Maybe I'm missing something?
I thought 'The lights are on but no one's answering' perhaps a variation on something of a cliche theme. I'm sure there's a better line available there. I didn't understand the following line; who are 'they'? Presumably not the demons as you're addressing them directly in the rest of the piece.
"It takes 2 to tango and nothing's changed" is a nice line, although personally I can't see what's gained by using the number 2 instead of the word two; it jars for me.
I found the last five lines interesting; indicative presumably of the struggle with the demons. A final observation though - what exactly is it that needs to be proved?
I think that the idea behind this is great, but for me it lacks a certain clarity; the struggle with the demons needs drawing out of it and into focus a little more. Maybe worth working it over?
Hope this helps a little.
Kerri x