Beyond Sight
He smells the grain wet with sun
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting golden stars lap
his hands. Is confused by stars. The stalks
become particles become electric pulse
electric become his heart.
The way he uses his hands to touch
the world, the interior being
uses his body. A bone & angle
prosthetic. The great glove of flesh
that allows the fragile to translate.
Allows him to see the voices of children echo
ochre courage from rocky Ohio
shores, when the cliff
[tab]rushes[/tab]
away and the river
envelopes him. A new womb. A new image
pitch lit behind his eyes, almost
there & almost there, he holds it below
until liquid concussions break
his focus. Hands help him to the surface,
to reality, to the knowing
blind boys are not supposed
dive this deep.
Beyond Sight
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J.R.Pearson
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:11 am
Beyond the blind protozoan maestro & his wand--Ed Pavlic
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
J.R,
Welcome to the forum - it's good to see a poster who has really gone for the criticism instead of just filling out the required 2.
I'll jump straight in.
Some aspects of this poem I really like. The distinctly American voice, the vividness of some of the writing, the different, slightly more transcendental approach to poetry (one that simply isn't popular here in PG), the use of a 'He' and not a centred 'I', the turns of phrase that don't quite make sense.
But I reckon there are one or two rough sides to this. Moments of cliche and the formatting are, for me, stifling.
In particular, the enjambment. Your line breaks don't flow as nicely as I'd like them to. What's also problematical is that sometimes you use a line break instead of a comma, but then sometimes you don't. So the reader doesn't quite know where to give themselves a pause and where to read continuously. I'll just list the times I struggled with the breaking just so you can see...
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting golden stars lap
The stalks
become particles become electric pulse
The way he uses his hands to touch
the world,
A bone & angle
prosthetic.
These in an ordinary poem would be ok. But this does have a lot of deliberately odd phrases and jumps in logic. I'd usually correct them, but don't want to impose on your style. I just think, by having both these strange moments and these the abrupt breaks, you give your reader quite a jagged read. I also thought that, because of the sentiment in the poem, it would smooth itself out a bit more and ease me into a slightly more... aqueous ride (since the language here strikes me as very detailed and almost viscous: ochre courage from rocky Ohioshores, when the cliff rushes away and the river), but it never did.
I also think the subject of this poem is a little exhausted. You've written about it very well, but is there not anything more to it than a moment of vague, slightly abstract transcendence? I think my problem is that there is no real reason for that. YOu don't give us what 'He' is trying to avoid, nor anything outside of the odd moment. It's more of a delineation of a character's emotions and experiences in one certain situation. It's quite similar to someone writing about the effects of a love. Both are quite arcane things that only really make sense to the narrator. I think you could really write on here. Give us something more. Could there be something dark that the character has managed to avoid by experiencing this? The last four (fantastic) lines do try this and that was when I really raised my eyebrows. But it didn't seem to go anywhere. I would have loved to have found out why blind boys are not supposed to go that deep. Or why 'He' tried to. Know what I mean? Here's a question. Why are you writing this? Ask yourself what the reason is for this description. Is it because of a reaction to something? If so, tell us in the poem!
But this is a great introduction to your style. I'd really like to see what else you come up with here, since your voice is different to most of our's.
I hope that helps
Keep posting
Dave
Welcome to the forum - it's good to see a poster who has really gone for the criticism instead of just filling out the required 2.
I'll jump straight in.
Some aspects of this poem I really like. The distinctly American voice, the vividness of some of the writing, the different, slightly more transcendental approach to poetry (one that simply isn't popular here in PG), the use of a 'He' and not a centred 'I', the turns of phrase that don't quite make sense.
But I reckon there are one or two rough sides to this. Moments of cliche and the formatting are, for me, stifling.
In particular, the enjambment. Your line breaks don't flow as nicely as I'd like them to. What's also problematical is that sometimes you use a line break instead of a comma, but then sometimes you don't. So the reader doesn't quite know where to give themselves a pause and where to read continuously. I'll just list the times I struggled with the breaking just so you can see...
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting golden stars lap
The stalks
become particles become electric pulse
The way he uses his hands to touch
the world,
A bone & angle
prosthetic.
These in an ordinary poem would be ok. But this does have a lot of deliberately odd phrases and jumps in logic. I'd usually correct them, but don't want to impose on your style. I just think, by having both these strange moments and these the abrupt breaks, you give your reader quite a jagged read. I also thought that, because of the sentiment in the poem, it would smooth itself out a bit more and ease me into a slightly more... aqueous ride (since the language here strikes me as very detailed and almost viscous: ochre courage from rocky Ohioshores, when the cliff rushes away and the river), but it never did.
I also think the subject of this poem is a little exhausted. You've written about it very well, but is there not anything more to it than a moment of vague, slightly abstract transcendence? I think my problem is that there is no real reason for that. YOu don't give us what 'He' is trying to avoid, nor anything outside of the odd moment. It's more of a delineation of a character's emotions and experiences in one certain situation. It's quite similar to someone writing about the effects of a love. Both are quite arcane things that only really make sense to the narrator. I think you could really write on here. Give us something more. Could there be something dark that the character has managed to avoid by experiencing this? The last four (fantastic) lines do try this and that was when I really raised my eyebrows. But it didn't seem to go anywhere. I would have loved to have found out why blind boys are not supposed to go that deep. Or why 'He' tried to. Know what I mean? Here's a question. Why are you writing this? Ask yourself what the reason is for this description. Is it because of a reaction to something? If so, tell us in the poem!
But this is a great introduction to your style. I'd really like to see what else you come up with here, since your voice is different to most of our's.
I hope that helps
Keep posting
Dave
Once I got into this I quite enjoyed it, but there seem to be too many little barriers that stopped me from getting into it straight away. The line breaks slow the flow, the enjambment is a real spoiler - I never have been too keen on enjambment, sometimes it's effective, but in this case it's a barrier. I copied the poem out and rearranged it - Everything flowed quite effectively, there was no hesitation, no going back to see if I'd missed something.
The language usage is effective, especially the stars bit and the sonics later on - the rocky Ohio verse.
Bit confused with - Electric become his heart
Good first post, and, yes - Welcome to the forum.
The language usage is effective, especially the stars bit and the sonics later on - the rocky Ohio verse.
Bit confused with - Electric become his heart
Good first post, and, yes - Welcome to the forum.
Welcome - an interesting piece that took me some time to work through.
I would echo the enjambment point and the punctuation made me have to read a few times to pick it all up. There are some stand out phrases - ochre courage from rocky Ohio, great glove of flesh and the opening lines but the last five or six lines are where it all came together for for me.
E
I would echo the enjambment point and the punctuation made me have to read a few times to pick it all up. There are some stand out phrases - ochre courage from rocky Ohio, great glove of flesh and the opening lines but the last five or six lines are where it all came together for for me.
E
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Welcome JR,
I enjoyed this, but I have to say that I found the enjambment and the lack of punctuation a trifle irritating.
(I am also irritated by the word enjambment itself - a) because it sounds pretentious
and b) because it ought to be spelled enjambement
)
He smells the grain wet with sun
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting golden stars lap
his hands. Is confused by stars. The stalks
become particles become electric pulse
electric become his heart.
I would have found it far easier to read like this (although I admit that "confusion" is the key word in this and that I may be imposing a wrong interpretation)
He smells the grain wet with sun
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting
golden stars lap his hands;
is confused by stars. The stalks
become particle,
become electric,
pulse electric,
become his heart.
I look forward to your next post
Geoff
I enjoyed this, but I have to say that I found the enjambment and the lack of punctuation a trifle irritating.
(I am also irritated by the word enjambment itself - a) because it sounds pretentious
and b) because it ought to be spelled enjambement
)He smells the grain wet with sun
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting golden stars lap
his hands. Is confused by stars. The stalks
become particles become electric pulse
electric become his heart.
I would have found it far easier to read like this (although I admit that "confusion" is the key word in this and that I may be imposing a wrong interpretation)
He smells the grain wet with sun
and more sun as he walks through
the field, letting
golden stars lap his hands;
is confused by stars. The stalks
become particle,
become electric,
pulse electric,
become his heart.
I look forward to your next post
Geoff
-
J.R.Pearson
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:11 am
Hey guys Ty for the insightful comments! I learned alot by posting this poem here.....and relearned a few things as well. A few introductory thoughts: the line breaks are being revised as we speak, the ending is being tinkered with and finally, the cliches...world worn words r thesaurused.
Wabz: TY for taking an interest and reading so carefully! Felt good to hear the poem had sum strong points worth reading and i wanted the poem to read sum-what jagged but not so much that it lost all flow. I needed the reader to read it as tho he/she were blind.....I know the school of "quietude" is not cared for in Europe but i wanna broaden my range(what lil range i have) and gain sum insight into what the over-the-sea-opposite has to offer. So I appreciate yur comments....and no worries over stylistic concerns....Yur questions at the end of the poem were "bang on" and cut to the quick of what the poem was homing in on. I made sum revisions based on those thoughts. TY again!
Barrie: I would love to see how u arranged the poem! Glad to c u caught on to the echo line and the rhyme to reinforce it. The electric part has been revised a lil to make it more sense...it was designed so u could follow what was happening at the small level when his hands touched the grain.
The feed back i got was that it wasn't work at 100%. Thanks for yur help!
Elphin: Happy u enjoyed it! Ty for the encouragment.
Two: LOL@enjabement...IT SHOULD BE SPELLED THAT WAY! Fuuuuny......yur alternate organinzation gave me somthin' to think about. I like parts of it...the small lines for the particles i thought were effective. Thanks for the warm welcome.
Nice to be so heartily welcomed!! TY everyone.
JR
Wabz: TY for taking an interest and reading so carefully! Felt good to hear the poem had sum strong points worth reading and i wanted the poem to read sum-what jagged but not so much that it lost all flow. I needed the reader to read it as tho he/she were blind.....I know the school of "quietude" is not cared for in Europe but i wanna broaden my range(what lil range i have) and gain sum insight into what the over-the-sea-opposite has to offer. So I appreciate yur comments....and no worries over stylistic concerns....Yur questions at the end of the poem were "bang on" and cut to the quick of what the poem was homing in on. I made sum revisions based on those thoughts. TY again!
Barrie: I would love to see how u arranged the poem! Glad to c u caught on to the echo line and the rhyme to reinforce it. The electric part has been revised a lil to make it more sense...it was designed so u could follow what was happening at the small level when his hands touched the grain.
The feed back i got was that it wasn't work at 100%. Thanks for yur help!
Elphin: Happy u enjoyed it! Ty for the encouragment.
Two: LOL@enjabement...IT SHOULD BE SPELLED THAT WAY! Fuuuuny......yur alternate organinzation gave me somthin' to think about. I like parts of it...the small lines for the particles i thought were effective. Thanks for the warm welcome.
Nice to be so heartily welcomed!! TY everyone.
JR
Beyond the blind protozoan maestro & his wand--Ed Pavlic
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
http://rp-author.com/BurningGorgeous/
http://www.afterliterature.org/
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
DOH! It looks as though "enjamb(e)ment" can be spelled either way.
I thought it was only spelled in the anglicised form without the "e" ........
I thought it was only spelled in the anglicised form without the "e" ........
I like this a lot. Some superb imagery:
"letting golden stars lap / his hands",
"the great glove of flesh",
"ochre courage from rocky Ohio / shores".
The poem slips by beautifully and is full of sensory confusion, embodying its subject. The title works.
A couple of things jarred slightly (no big deal though): "A new womb" is a bit of a tired image I think. It's easy to describe anything fluid and enveloping as womb-like. So easy, in fact, that I think most readers would get the idea without the word "womb".
Also, I can see what you're trying to achieve in lines four and five where the lack of punctuation makes a stumbling, rushing impression, but as a device it is out of key with the rest of the poem. I'd consider working harder at getting the words themselves to convey what you want.
But overall, bravo. Great subject, fresh-sounding, new, vivid, boldly-written.
"letting golden stars lap / his hands",
"the great glove of flesh",
"ochre courage from rocky Ohio / shores".
The poem slips by beautifully and is full of sensory confusion, embodying its subject. The title works.
A couple of things jarred slightly (no big deal though): "A new womb" is a bit of a tired image I think. It's easy to describe anything fluid and enveloping as womb-like. So easy, in fact, that I think most readers would get the idea without the word "womb".
Also, I can see what you're trying to achieve in lines four and five where the lack of punctuation makes a stumbling, rushing impression, but as a device it is out of key with the rest of the poem. I'd consider working harder at getting the words themselves to convey what you want.
But overall, bravo. Great subject, fresh-sounding, new, vivid, boldly-written.
fine words butter no parsnips