tumbrils of desiderata
propel anthropological assemblies
through an unforgiving imbroglio
causing ruptures and
acute punctures,
ravenous, leaving rotting apple cores,
devoured, retrospective sapient scavengery
the path walked upon
is littered with carrion,
physical manisfestations
of cause, time and energy
now expended: what feels dead, is dust.
abundant analeptic realisations
from the drug stupor of decisions taken,
now enjoying the inattentive fashion
by which the lack of motivation presides
over recognising this relative state of mind
as a evolutional convulsant exigency
fuck the remedy
if there was one, i'd source it readily
I know this juncture
travelled in a wave of simple harmonic motion
to where the last cosine oscillation started the rise, then fall,
the next revolution likely increasing amplitude,
only so many cycles embody a lifetime
nothing really changes,
aside reasoning to the situation
as it is, which is how it's always been,
total internal reflection, chance 2 of n
Aspiration
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beautifulloser
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Last edited by beautifulloser on Wed Aug 29, 2007 11:21 pm, edited 5 times in total.
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Lots of Latin and Greek words here - I'd omit the Anglo-Saxon fuck - it doesn't belong in here.
tumbril of desideratum
propel anthropological assemblies - You need propels here for the verb to agree, or tumbrils of desiderata
leaving rotting apple cores
devoured, retrospective sapient scavengery - I've never come across scavengery but it does the trick. The apple cores - they can be left or they can be devoured - not both - or they can be left to be devoured.
the path walked upon
is littered with carrion,
the physical manisfestation
of a cause, time and energy were
once expended on: what feels dead, is dust.
'the path walked upon
is littered with carrion,
physical manisfestations
of cause, time and energy
now expended: what feels dead, is dust.' - Just a thought.
cosine; oscillation - typos
nothing really changes,
aside reasoning to the situation
as it is, which is how it's always been,
total internal reflection, chance 2 of n
- This is the most confusing verse of a rather complicated poem - Could you not simplify it ?
Things only ever change
to how they once were. - Or something.
A poem to think on.
Barrie
tumbril of desideratum
propel anthropological assemblies - You need propels here for the verb to agree, or tumbrils of desiderata
leaving rotting apple cores
devoured, retrospective sapient scavengery - I've never come across scavengery but it does the trick. The apple cores - they can be left or they can be devoured - not both - or they can be left to be devoured.
the path walked upon
is littered with carrion,
the physical manisfestation
of a cause, time and energy were
once expended on: what feels dead, is dust.
'the path walked upon
is littered with carrion,
physical manisfestations
of cause, time and energy
now expended: what feels dead, is dust.' - Just a thought.
cosine; oscillation - typos
nothing really changes,
aside reasoning to the situation
as it is, which is how it's always been,
total internal reflection, chance 2 of n
- This is the most confusing verse of a rather complicated poem - Could you not simplify it ?
Things only ever change
to how they once were. - Or something.
A poem to think on.
Barrie
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twoleftfeet
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Sorry, BL, I can't get my head round this at all.
You seem to be having some fun with sounds and wordplays (well I got "acute punctures" at least) and I am happy enough with that, but you also seem to be trying to convey something to the reader about social change/revolution as some kind of biological imperative, but I'm nowhere near putting it all together
What is:
retrospective sapient scavengery
and
a(n) evolutional convulsant exigency ?
Geoff
You seem to be having some fun with sounds and wordplays (well I got "acute punctures" at least) and I am happy enough with that, but you also seem to be trying to convey something to the reader about social change/revolution as some kind of biological imperative, but I'm nowhere near putting it all together
What is:
retrospective sapient scavengery
and
a(n) evolutional convulsant exigency ?
Geoff
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beautifulloser
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Hi Guys
Thank you.
Barrie: Thanks for the suggestions. I particularly liked "tumbrils of desiderata", small change but a better opener. I like the "fuck" though, intrinsically it just feels right - how can it not belong? Is the juxtaposition too blunt?, can it be too blunt? I only say that from a point of view that there must be a reason for why you say that. The last verse/stanza, is it just the last line? What's confusing about "nothing changes, things are as they always are, apart from the reasoning/perception of the same situation" - everything is static other than how our filters read them, is that not matter of fact? The last line is confusing if you're not following the theme, I concur.
Geoff - no problem, appreciate the candour. I know the feeling with poems I read that I dont understand, you feel you've expended energy and not gleamed anything, feel that way with some poetry too.
"retrospective sapient scavengery" - this is looking back on the rotting apple cores and gaining wisdom you hadn't had before. So rather than having had many experiences in search of attaining goals and learnt nothing, what can be scavenged from what has been will allow better judgement for the future.
"a(n) evolutional convulsant exigency" - cognitive evolution is what I was referring too, reaching a point where how you act in pursuit of achievement is not how you want to act in the future as what you wish to achieve has changed. The convulsant is a convulsing feeling of realising how much wasted time has been spent in pursuit of the wrong thing, agitatation, if you like.
This poem is very personal statement for me, I have for some months been feeling a little "beat" - I starting walking a path a few years back I now realise I don't want to be on, happens to all of us . . . . who give a damn about why on earth we're here anyway, I say for pleasure, but that's because I am a hedonist at heart!
"social change/revolution as some kind of biological imperative" - not quite, I was not trying to be as grand as that, it was at a far lower level. It's about personal aspiration, yes as a biological imperative a force which is often ignored by most, and addressing the underlying relationship of aspiration and action - I realised mine were in sync three years ago, they're now very disparate entities but I still act the same way out of routine - it's been a pretty uncomfortable past few months, but hey, that's life. I now find myself, and it happens if you're aware of it I think, at the same juncture I was at a few years ago when I laid down this path - an opportunity may be arising in the not to distant future for me to change it, we all have these moments though don't we? At the very least leaving school and/or leaving uni as a minimum for everyone from where you plot your course, some know, some don't, some land up doing something they did not intend to do . .
Anyways, I am rambling on, which is why I wanted to articulate this in poetic form - if the whole notion of what I am saying is still lost, that's fine with me, I wrote this for pesonal solace but obviously I'd appreciate any thoughts on improving the writing to articulate this better, perhaps some of the adjectives and synonyms could be replaced for more appropriate ones but that's an open ended thing if the meaning is lost but I'd appreciate any further thoughts you've got.
Thanks for reading guys, and for the candour and suggestions - I am here to improve my writing and no better way than to share it and take any crits on the chin. So hit me baby!
Love n hugs
BL
x
Thank you.
Barrie: Thanks for the suggestions. I particularly liked "tumbrils of desiderata", small change but a better opener. I like the "fuck" though, intrinsically it just feels right - how can it not belong? Is the juxtaposition too blunt?, can it be too blunt? I only say that from a point of view that there must be a reason for why you say that. The last verse/stanza, is it just the last line? What's confusing about "nothing changes, things are as they always are, apart from the reasoning/perception of the same situation" - everything is static other than how our filters read them, is that not matter of fact? The last line is confusing if you're not following the theme, I concur.
Geoff - no problem, appreciate the candour. I know the feeling with poems I read that I dont understand, you feel you've expended energy and not gleamed anything, feel that way with some poetry too.
"retrospective sapient scavengery" - this is looking back on the rotting apple cores and gaining wisdom you hadn't had before. So rather than having had many experiences in search of attaining goals and learnt nothing, what can be scavenged from what has been will allow better judgement for the future.
"a(n) evolutional convulsant exigency" - cognitive evolution is what I was referring too, reaching a point where how you act in pursuit of achievement is not how you want to act in the future as what you wish to achieve has changed. The convulsant is a convulsing feeling of realising how much wasted time has been spent in pursuit of the wrong thing, agitatation, if you like.
This poem is very personal statement for me, I have for some months been feeling a little "beat" - I starting walking a path a few years back I now realise I don't want to be on, happens to all of us . . . . who give a damn about why on earth we're here anyway, I say for pleasure, but that's because I am a hedonist at heart!
"social change/revolution as some kind of biological imperative" - not quite, I was not trying to be as grand as that, it was at a far lower level. It's about personal aspiration, yes as a biological imperative a force which is often ignored by most, and addressing the underlying relationship of aspiration and action - I realised mine were in sync three years ago, they're now very disparate entities but I still act the same way out of routine - it's been a pretty uncomfortable past few months, but hey, that's life. I now find myself, and it happens if you're aware of it I think, at the same juncture I was at a few years ago when I laid down this path - an opportunity may be arising in the not to distant future for me to change it, we all have these moments though don't we? At the very least leaving school and/or leaving uni as a minimum for everyone from where you plot your course, some know, some don't, some land up doing something they did not intend to do . .
Anyways, I am rambling on, which is why I wanted to articulate this in poetic form - if the whole notion of what I am saying is still lost, that's fine with me, I wrote this for pesonal solace but obviously I'd appreciate any thoughts on improving the writing to articulate this better, perhaps some of the adjectives and synonyms could be replaced for more appropriate ones but that's an open ended thing if the meaning is lost but I'd appreciate any further thoughts you've got.
Thanks for reading guys, and for the candour and suggestions - I am here to improve my writing and no better way than to share it and take any crits on the chin. So hit me baby!
Love n hugs
BL
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
-
twoleftfeet
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BL,
If your personal aspiration is connected with work then you may find this extract from THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran
interesting:
http://www.globusz.com/ebooks/Prophet/00000017.htm
Geoff
If your personal aspiration is connected with work then you may find this extract from THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran
interesting:
http://www.globusz.com/ebooks/Prophet/00000017.htm
Geoff
The reasonI don't think fuck belongs here is because it is a Germanic word in a world of Greek and Latin ones. If the poem had been written in mainly Anglo-Saxon words then it might have fit. Just my opinion.
Still don't see how you can devour an apple core and leave it at the same time - Is this eating through not eating?
You have a good image here from the Adam & Eve myth but it's confused. Surely a true scavenger of knowledge would eat the whole rotten core - leftover rotten apple cores, maybe.
The Serpent
Still don't see how you can devour an apple core and leave it at the same time - Is this eating through not eating?
You have a good image here from the Adam & Eve myth but it's confused. Surely a true scavenger of knowledge would eat the whole rotten core - leftover rotten apple cores, maybe.
The Serpent
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beautifulloser
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Hey Chaps
Barrie, thanks for the explanation understand where you're coming from, but disagree. It's all English in the contempoary sense, no? Agreed on the second point, perhaps it still does not read well:
ravenous, leaving rotting apple cores,
devoured . . - noting the comma, yay or nay?
Geoff, thanks for that, lovely sentiment. Yes, very ineteresting - I have never heard of this guy before, thanks, yet another avenue to explore.
My poem was about this one line in Gilbran's poem: "And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. " My love was my work, it's now not, and it's coming to terms with what it means to feel passionate about something - something to get you up in the morning, as that love of life and work is all perceptive, hence the lines in the poem about things staying the same but perception changing.
Work - kind of ambiguous eh? What's work anyhow, Gildran's poem seems to be a transposition of a writers/creative type's view on work onto less fortunate vocations and less talented people perhaps? There is the need of love of work, then there is the need to survive and I guess they can be put in an obvious hierarchical order and I wonder if Gildran did things to survive he did not love - in which case, he'd need the alms he mentions in what I took to be a fairly patronising tone, perhaps I have mis interpreted what he is saying - alms is a fairly specific synonym, no? Suggests pity - quite patronising for a guy with enough talent to warrant commanding attention from his late teens, saying he who bakes bread should make it taste good, when he who bakes bread may take a very ultiltarian view on why he bakes bread, i.e. to make a living, if you see what I mean - taking alms from those who are fortunate enough to do what they like to do is more liekly to breed envy than aspiration - oh look at Bob Dylan, marvellous songwriter, passionate about what he does - hey! I'm gonna make this damn asp.net web application the best thing known to man . . . I dunno! I agree with the general point being put forward however. See where I am coming from? How did you take this piece?
Very thought provoking read though Geoff, and very relevant, look forward to exploring his writing more - that link is damn handy, can see there is other stuff by him there which I plan to go through.
Thanks again
BL
Barrie, thanks for the explanation understand where you're coming from, but disagree. It's all English in the contempoary sense, no? Agreed on the second point, perhaps it still does not read well:
ravenous, leaving rotting apple cores,
devoured . . - noting the comma, yay or nay?
Geoff, thanks for that, lovely sentiment. Yes, very ineteresting - I have never heard of this guy before, thanks, yet another avenue to explore.
My poem was about this one line in Gilbran's poem: "And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. " My love was my work, it's now not, and it's coming to terms with what it means to feel passionate about something - something to get you up in the morning, as that love of life and work is all perceptive, hence the lines in the poem about things staying the same but perception changing.
Work - kind of ambiguous eh? What's work anyhow, Gildran's poem seems to be a transposition of a writers/creative type's view on work onto less fortunate vocations and less talented people perhaps? There is the need of love of work, then there is the need to survive and I guess they can be put in an obvious hierarchical order and I wonder if Gildran did things to survive he did not love - in which case, he'd need the alms he mentions in what I took to be a fairly patronising tone, perhaps I have mis interpreted what he is saying - alms is a fairly specific synonym, no? Suggests pity - quite patronising for a guy with enough talent to warrant commanding attention from his late teens, saying he who bakes bread should make it taste good, when he who bakes bread may take a very ultiltarian view on why he bakes bread, i.e. to make a living, if you see what I mean - taking alms from those who are fortunate enough to do what they like to do is more liekly to breed envy than aspiration - oh look at Bob Dylan, marvellous songwriter, passionate about what he does - hey! I'm gonna make this damn asp.net web application the best thing known to man . . . I dunno! I agree with the general point being put forward however. See where I am coming from? How did you take this piece?
Very thought provoking read though Geoff, and very relevant, look forward to exploring his writing more - that link is damn handy, can see there is other stuff by him there which I plan to go through.
Thanks again
BL
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Sorry BL, but I think this is far too muddled and tries too hard.
The first stanza, for instance, is just completely over kill. It is both highly specific and highly vague. None of the big phrases stand out because they have been trivialised b the fact that the entire sentence is filled with awkward latinate words, and if every line expects the reader to spend 40 minutes in a spate of ratiocination then I can't see the point.
You've also mixed countless metaphors. I think that's a good and a bad thing. It shows an enthusiasm for language, but doesn't (for me) help a poem.
Plus, it's hard to find a narrative among all of it.
I think for your next poem you should just chill out a bit. Write in plain, conversational English and then polish it. Because, in my eyes, if one line is meant to suggest cognitive evolution is what I was referring too, reaching a point where how you act in pursuit of achievement is not how you want to act in the future as what you wish to achieve has changed. The convulsant is a convulsing feeling of realising how much wasted time has been spent in pursuit of the wrong thing, agitatation, if you like., then you're packing far too much in.
Keep it up (sorry about the negative review)
Dave
The first stanza, for instance, is just completely over kill. It is both highly specific and highly vague. None of the big phrases stand out because they have been trivialised b the fact that the entire sentence is filled with awkward latinate words, and if every line expects the reader to spend 40 minutes in a spate of ratiocination then I can't see the point.
You've also mixed countless metaphors. I think that's a good and a bad thing. It shows an enthusiasm for language, but doesn't (for me) help a poem.
Plus, it's hard to find a narrative among all of it.
I think for your next poem you should just chill out a bit. Write in plain, conversational English and then polish it. Because, in my eyes, if one line is meant to suggest cognitive evolution is what I was referring too, reaching a point where how you act in pursuit of achievement is not how you want to act in the future as what you wish to achieve has changed. The convulsant is a convulsing feeling of realising how much wasted time has been spent in pursuit of the wrong thing, agitatation, if you like., then you're packing far too much in.
Keep it up (sorry about the negative review)
Dave
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beautifulloser
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Hey Dave
Cheers - been manic recently, got into a habit of just writing and posting, occurred to me on the way home from work last night to take a TO for a while and get it straightened out - thanks to you all for your time on this one.
BL
x
Cheers - been manic recently, got into a habit of just writing and posting, occurred to me on the way home from work last night to take a TO for a while and get it straightened out - thanks to you all for your time on this one.
BL
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
I was reading a book of poetry by Dom Moraes when I was travelling recently, and in the introduction he says that he rewrites each poem about fifty times. He will attack a subject from different perspectives and in different styles to work towards the final poem that says exactly and exquisitely what he's after.
I cant say I've got to that standard of perseverance or talent, but it made me think long, hard and helpfully about how much time I was putting into what I was writing.
I cant say I've got to that standard of perseverance or talent, but it made me think long, hard and helpfully about how much time I was putting into what I was writing.
Rolf,
Of all things, don't get out of the habit of writing. Milk it.
But don't post everything. Not because we don't want to read it, but because you'll develop your own judgments. You'll know when something is public and when something is just an exercise. Don't write so you can post on PG - just write because you can. I've been doing this recently, and while a huge amount of shit is coming out, it's a very satisfying process.
Of all things, don't get out of the habit of writing. Milk it.
But don't post everything. Not because we don't want to read it, but because you'll develop your own judgments. You'll know when something is public and when something is just an exercise. Don't write so you can post on PG - just write because you can. I've been doing this recently, and while a huge amount of shit is coming out, it's a very satisfying process.