Niftily put together revision
Father’s heavy watch sits
behind a long cuff
clasped with handmedown metal
and stops.
Words stick in his tarry lungs.
His invirginal hosanna
all grown up and
dispersing his estate;
she resounds with beauty.
Burlesques of plastic flowers
dialled onto wire antennae
bob uneasily on the heads of women
tapping shoes that slow-clapped
past the avalanche of flowers in
their first flush of death.
Quizzical and coasting on booze,
he thanks the umpire, the stand-bys,
teams on stage and set design,
hoteliers, travel agents,
Bristol City, Pierre Cardin,
the undead, the Swiss.
Laughs come, but the
given-away gives a guffaw
at the fool in her past,
and time clocks on again.
Wordy original
Father’s heavy watch sits
behind a long cuff
clasped with a handmedown
and stops,
silencing the languorous
hosanna to his loins.
Their discharge all grown up, gilded,
exchanged, employed, enjoyed;
an ecstatic mopped up, birthed,
turned animate, invirginal
and now dispersing his estate.
He stumbles on
words stuck in his tarry lungs.
Hats, burlesques of plastic flowers
on wire antennae, bob uneasily
through the stilling on women with shoes
that slow-clap along parquet floors
at the avalanche of flowers in
their first flush of death.
Quizzical and coasting on booze,
he thanks the umpire, the stand-bys,
teams on stage and set design,
hoteliers, travel agents,
Bristol City, Pierre Cardin,
the undead, the Swiss.
Most people laugh but
his daughter guffaws at the fool
that is her past,
and time starts again.
Shpeech
Globus, I like this a lot, but it feels a bit over-written or over-elaborate in parts.
As a forinstance, I like the first verse, but I'm not sure about the languorous / hosanna to his loins. Is this something that needs to be described in such a grand circuitous way? Maybe, but you have to persuade us. (It's his child or children, isn't it, on the occasion of his daughter's wedding? Or just her? That just came to me, so I suppose I get it, and it's a groovy little phrase, but ...)
On the same sort of grounds, I quite like the second verse but, arguably, you could drop it and the poem would be none the worse.
From there on in, though, I really like it, and the fourth verse is wonderful. Made me laugh. Bristol City, Pierre Cardin, / the undead, the Swiss ... I don't get the relevance of all this, but I love the effect it has.
Perhaps a slightly unkind ending, but perhaps I speak as the father of a daughter who might well think the same thing on her wedding day. Let's see, shall we?
Great title as well.
You may already have noticed that some of us who hang out here have a Larkin dependency, to a greater or lesser degree. I'm not sure if you do, but you made me think of this:
fathers had never known
Success so huge and wholly farcical;
The women shared
The secret like a happy funeral;
While girls, gripping their handbags tighter, stared
At a religious wounding.
Cheers
David
As a forinstance, I like the first verse, but I'm not sure about the languorous / hosanna to his loins. Is this something that needs to be described in such a grand circuitous way? Maybe, but you have to persuade us. (It's his child or children, isn't it, on the occasion of his daughter's wedding? Or just her? That just came to me, so I suppose I get it, and it's a groovy little phrase, but ...)
On the same sort of grounds, I quite like the second verse but, arguably, you could drop it and the poem would be none the worse.
From there on in, though, I really like it, and the fourth verse is wonderful. Made me laugh. Bristol City, Pierre Cardin, / the undead, the Swiss ... I don't get the relevance of all this, but I love the effect it has.
Perhaps a slightly unkind ending, but perhaps I speak as the father of a daughter who might well think the same thing on her wedding day. Let's see, shall we?
Great title as well.
You may already have noticed that some of us who hang out here have a Larkin dependency, to a greater or lesser degree. I'm not sure if you do, but you made me think of this:
fathers had never known
Success so huge and wholly farcical;
The women shared
The secret like a happy funeral;
While girls, gripping their handbags tighter, stared
At a religious wounding.
Cheers
David
Thanks David.
It is a mean ending, but I fancied a dig - it's all a fiction though, rather than a generalised comment on the relationship between father/daughter.
The list of thanks is meant to function variously as comic, specific, atmospheric and arbitrary.
Guilty as charged of flowery elaboration - I've added an edited version that hopefully improves on what was there before.
Thanks for the Larkin quotation - I particularly like the opening set up of 'fathers had never known' and 'While girls, gripping their handbags tighter, stared'. Brilliant.
It is a mean ending, but I fancied a dig - it's all a fiction though, rather than a generalised comment on the relationship between father/daughter.
The list of thanks is meant to function variously as comic, specific, atmospheric and arbitrary.
Guilty as charged of flowery elaboration - I've added an edited version that hopefully improves on what was there before.
Thanks for the Larkin quotation - I particularly like the opening set up of 'fathers had never known' and 'While girls, gripping their handbags tighter, stared'. Brilliant.
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Charles,
I really like this, but I was confused by "dispersing his estate" : I was trying to work out how they could be
reading the will when the old-boy was still alive
The metaphor of the watch stopping and restarting to signify the end of one life and the beginning of
another is a good idea and well expressed.
The rewrite is a definite improvement.
Why did you post it in Beginners' ?
Geoff
I really like this, but I was confused by "dispersing his estate" : I was trying to work out how they could be
reading the will when the old-boy was still alive
The metaphor of the watch stopping and restarting to signify the end of one life and the beginning of
another is a good idea and well expressed.
The rewrite is a definite improvement.
Why did you post it in Beginners' ?
Geoff
Geoff,
It's ended up quite funereal for a poem about a wedding. It wasn't intended to be, but the theme keeps rising to the fore. I'm a little concerned the marriage context is too understated now; I shall ponder on.
'Dispersing his estate' refers to his daughter marrying and so bringing more people into the family who will share any future inheritance.
I went for Beginners because I knew it was too loose and shapeless, but the rewrite is an improvement - the value of feedback eh?!
p.s. My name's not Charles by the way, but I may adopt it as a 'behind the avatar' alter-ago and add a sense of mystery to my humdrumming...
It's ended up quite funereal for a poem about a wedding. It wasn't intended to be, but the theme keeps rising to the fore. I'm a little concerned the marriage context is too understated now; I shall ponder on.
'Dispersing his estate' refers to his daughter marrying and so bringing more people into the family who will share any future inheritance.
I went for Beginners because I knew it was too loose and shapeless, but the rewrite is an improvement - the value of feedback eh?!
p.s. My name's not Charles by the way, but I may adopt it as a 'behind the avatar' alter-ago and add a sense of mystery to my humdrumming...
I don't see as being too funereal at all - It's there in the background -
dispersing his estate
flowers in
their first flush of death - then again it depends on how these lines are interpreted.
I think it's well balanced.
nice one
You need a hint of death at a wedding - can't have people enjoying themselves too much -
Old Git
dispersing his estate
flowers in
their first flush of death - then again it depends on how these lines are interpreted.
I think it's well balanced.
nice one
You need a hint of death at a wedding - can't have people enjoying themselves too much -
Old Git
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
What is it they say? People go to Church at least 3 times in their life - HATCHES, MATCHES and DISPATCHES
Globus
Glad I found this one. What a treat. It reminds me of so many family occasions that I 've been conscripted to in the past.
There's much to like about your poem. Lots of killer lines that hang together well. Your references to zany female headgear and slow clapping shoes are particularly noteworthy. Inspired!
I think your third and fourth stanzas are great. Jam packed with well observed, funny lines.
Your redraft is a definite improvement on the original. It gives a much faster and lighter read but, as David has already commented, I reckon you could go even further by removing the second stanza altogether.
I'm also not too sure about:
How about something a little more simple like:
Laughs come, but the
bride just glares
at the fool in her past,
and time clocks on again.
Overall, great stuff.
Glad I found this one. What a treat. It reminds me of so many family occasions that I 've been conscripted to in the past.
There's much to like about your poem. Lots of killer lines that hang together well. Your references to zany female headgear and slow clapping shoes are particularly noteworthy. Inspired!
I think your third and fourth stanzas are great. Jam packed with well observed, funny lines.
Your redraft is a definite improvement on the original. It gives a much faster and lighter read but, as David has already commented, I reckon you could go even further by removing the second stanza altogether.
I'm also not too sure about:
Who is the bride - Peggy Mount? The alliteration sounds a bit ungainly to me.Laughs come, but the
given-away gives a guffaw
How about something a little more simple like:
Laughs come, but the
bride just glares
at the fool in her past,
and time clocks on again.
Overall, great stuff.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry
Thanks for your kindness, and also for reminding me of this one.
The re-edits have lessened the value of S2, but I cant quite bring myself to ditch it yet. I'm coming round to the idea slowly. Your comments pointed me to the last verse and I've changed it to: -
Laughs come, the
given-away toasts a guffaw
to the fool in her past
and time clocks on again.
I'll return in time to see how that sits. 'Toast' may just be too easy a word choice. I'd like to keep a bit of the clunk and lurch of the alliteration, though you are right that it was too much as it was.
The re-edits have lessened the value of S2, but I cant quite bring myself to ditch it yet. I'm coming round to the idea slowly. Your comments pointed me to the last verse and I've changed it to: -
Laughs come, the
given-away toasts a guffaw
to the fool in her past
and time clocks on again.
I'll return in time to see how that sits. 'Toast' may just be too easy a word choice. I'd like to keep a bit of the clunk and lurch of the alliteration, though you are right that it was too much as it was.