This Close

[Lake]

Revised

This Close

Never been so close
like this to the autumn -
By the corn field
in the early morning
thin fog, orange tinged-
a gauze curtain hanging
over the reaped field where
geese and ducks rummage
filling their stomachs with
harvest leftovers.

Maple leaves fall,
chrysanthemums bloom.

The birds, cloud-white
bellied, have grown
strong wings propelling
them through the air. Where
are they heading to?
Only the wind knows.
So excited, so close -
a shower of feathery flapping
above the car canopy
on the lake of mind

One flock, then two, then three
wild geese, honking, here
and there, higher and farther
no guide needed
leaving the sky
with no
            trace…


Original

This Close

Never been so close
like this to the autumn -
By the corn field
in the early morning
thin fogs, tinged with
the rising sun orange -
a gauze curtain hangs
over the reaped field where
geese and ducks stroll about,
filling their stomachs with
the harvest to their fullest.

Maple leaves fall,
chrysanthemums bloom.

The birds, cloud-white
bellied, have grown
strong, wings propelling
them through the air. Where
are they heading to?
Only the wind knows.
So excited, so close -
a shower of feathery flapping
above the top of the car
on the lake of mind

One flock, then two, then three
wild geese, honking, here
and there, higher and farther
no guide needed
leaving the sky
with no
            trace…

[David]

Nice, Lake. I like this a lot, especially the misty early morning opening. Not so keen on "stroll" - boulevardiers stroll, with their hands tucked in their waistcoat pockets - not really a ducks or geese word.

And filling their stomachs with / the harvest to their fullest is a bit clumsy.

Lovely ending as well. It's very brave to play with the shape of the poem on the page, but I think you've pulled it off.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

Lake,

You've managed to reproduce the laid-back style of some of the Chinese poems that you have translated.
But for the mention of a car the poem would be timeless.

I agrre with David about "stroll" - maybe "wander" or something like that ?
I also think that
filling their stomachs with / the harvest to their fullest
sounds odd - perhaps "tightly filling" or use a synonym for "fill"?

I have a couple of suggestions:
The birds, cloud-white
bellied, have grown
strong, wings propelling
them through the air.

I would move the comma:
The birds, cloud-white
bellied, have grown
strong wings, propelling
them through the air

I like this image:
a shower of feathery flapping
above the top of the car
on the lake of mind
- it implies you can only hear the birds, but (maybe) you can see feathers falling?
Anyway - "above the car roof" would sound more accurate IMHO, unless it is a convertible.
I coan't make up my mind whether your "lake of mind" is being disturbed by the noise or not
(btw Is that where your monicker comes from?)

Impressed
Geoff

[barrie]

Nice one, Lake.

Just a couple of suggestions to add to the other's -

Never been so close
like this to the autumn -
By the corn field
in the early morning,
thin fog(s), orange tinged -
a gauze curtain hanging
over the reaped field where
geese and ducks rummage,
filling their stomachs with
harvest leftovers.

Good to see you writing, you should do it more.

Barrie

[Elphin]

Lake

Beguiling read. I really liked

a shower of feathery flapping
above the top of the car
on the lake of mind

and also I agree with David you pulled it off with the positioning of "trace". Other than that I agree with most of the others, in particular I think Geoff's grown strong wings is a good suggestion

Elphin

[Tholejo]

I like this one, I think you did a really good job with it.

[Lake]

Thank you all! I am overwhelmed with joy to have received these many wonderful suggestions and crits. This forum is no doubt one of the best where you can receive the most genuine opinions.

David,

Thank you for letting me know the reason why you are not keen on the word ‘stroll’ and its meaning.

And filling their stomachs with / the harvest to their fullest is a bit clumsy.

I agree it does sound clumsy, doesn’t it?

I am glad to read your affirmation about the ending.

Thanks much!

Lake

[Lake]

Geoff,

You know how to correct me. I’ll take your suggestion to remove the comma between ‘strong’ and ‘wings’, and replace ‘the top of the car’ with ‘the car roof’.

I can't make up my mind whether your "lake of mind" is being disturbed by the noise or not
(btw Is that where your monicker comes from?)

You are a sensitive reader, indeed. Yes, the mind is ‘disturbed’, but in a good way; the Stillwater now ripples and a poem comes out.
I am from ‘Land of ten-thousand lakes’, that’s how I first got my screen name. And later on I read a line by Kenneth Rexroth “The swan sings/ in sleep/on the lake of mind”, I think it is so beautiful.

Many thanks,

Lake

[Lake]

Barrie,

Thank you for your trimming the poem. I like the words you used, especially ‘orange tinged’, ‘rummage’, ‘harvest leftovers’—exact. Can you explain why you use “hanging” instead of “hangs”? I think I get it but would like you to confirm again.

Thank you for your encouraging words that are what a friend of mine always says to me.

Much appreciation,
Lake

[barrie]

By the corn field
in the early morning,
thin fog, orange tinged -
a gauze curtain hanging
over the reaped field

The participle hanging links fog and curtain, completing the metaphor. If you just use a gaze curtain hangs, then you leave the first part of the sentence -
By the corn field
in the early morning,
thin fog, orange tinged - isolated and without a verb.

Hope it's clearer.

Barrie

[Lake]

Elphin,

Thanks for your possitive comment. I am gld the ending also works for you.

Actually, I read your 'City Bench' and I liked it but just could not add anything more to the other compliments.

Tholejo,

Thank you for your read and comment.

Best,

Lake

[Tholejo]

I think you do a great job as you describe the birds. The poem itself I think is very well written. I admit I'm not very good at this critiquing thing. I personally enjoy your poem because its fairly straight forward. What i mean by that is that its not filled with deep symbolism. I have always found that things can be presented in a eloquent manner without having to use such deep symbolism. And I think this poem is prime example of that.

[Lake]

By the corn field
in the early morning,
thin fog, orange tinged -
a gauze curtain hanging
over the reaped field

The participle hanging links fog and curtain, completing the metaphor. If you just use a gaze curtain hangs, then you leave the first part of the sentence -
By the corn field
in the early morning,
thin fog, orange tinged - isolated and without a verb.

Hope it's clearer.

Barrie

That's what I thought. Thanks for your further explanation, Barrie.
I need to be reminded at times.

Lake

[Lake]

Lake,

You've managed to reproduce the laid-back style of some of the Chinese poems that you have translated.
But for the mention of a car the poem would be timeless.

I like this image:
a shower of feathery flapping
above the top of the car
on the lake of mind
- it implies you can only hear the birds, but (maybe) you can see feathers falling?
Anyway - "above the car roof" would sound more accurate IMHO, unless it is a convertible.

Geoff

Geoff,

I read your comment again especially the part on the car. So you think the mention of the car is a good idea? One reader pointed out that "How peculiar, if not odd, this juxtaposition of images is!
Immersed in the idyllic scenery that the poem creates, we don’t need this intrusive image of 'the car roof.'" and suggested using 'above the treetops', all nature with no man.

But this is how it happened when I drove past the field.

Any thought on that?

Thanks,

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Lake,

Personally, I would stick with the car :
Firstly, it creates an "aha!" moment in the reader's mind by suddenly putting the poem into a modern context.
Secondly, it places the birds out of sight,( which is necessary IMHO for "lake of mind" to work), whereas "above the treetops" still leaves room for the birds to be seen.
Thirdly - that's how it happened...

Maybe canopy would work, if you really wanted to make the poem timeless.

Keep 'em coming
Geoff

[Jack Cloverfield]

Hi Lake
I really like this. It's very often done badly, this kind of scene but it works well here.

Never been so close
like this to the autumn -
By the corn field
in the early morning
thin fogs, tinged with
the rising sun orange -
a gauze curtain hangs
over the reaped field where The first stanza works very vividly until here
geese and ducks stroll about, the 'stroll' is a bad word choice here I feel.I think it's alrerady been mentioned
filling their stomachs with
the harvest to their fullest. I think you could leave out 'to their fullest and this would leave a very strong ending to the stanza

Maple leaves fall,
chrysanthemums bloom. I love this imagery and the use of the breaks

The birds, cloud-white
bellied, have grown
strong, wings propelling
them through the air. Where
are they heading to? I don't think the question here is suitable. breaks up the flow for me. Perhaps 'the wind only knows where they're headed' or something along those lines
Only the wind knows.
So excited, so close -
a shower of feathery flapping
above the top of the car the suggestion of 'canopy' instead of roof of the car is a good one for timelessness.
on the lake of mind This is a wonderful line

One flock, then two, then three
wild geese, honking, here
and there, higher and farther
no guide needed
leaving the sky
with no
            trace… a nice ending. A strong visual and aural final stanza.

All in all a very strong piece with little work needed for improvement. As I said, these themes are so often done badly and you've managed to pull it together and make a nice tight little piece.
I look forward to reading more.
Regards
Jack

[beautifulloser]

Hi Lake

I can only echo what has been said already, good crit from Jack.

As highlighted by Jack, the first stanza really sucks you in. Lake of mind is inspired, a really wonderful image. I also agree with Geoff I think Canopy is much better, it also works with the "skin" of the water as well playing on the lake image I thought (which is about the only slightly original point I can bring to what is otherwise a good poem and some good crits which I hope help you in your endeavours. . . . )

A real solid effort - also, Barrie is right! More please!

nice one

BL
x

[Lake]

I think you do a great job as you describe the birds. The poem itself I think is very well written. I admit I'm not very good at this critiquing thing. I personally enjoy your poem because its fairly straight forward. What i mean by that is that its not filled with deep symbolism. I have always found that things can be presented in a eloquent manner without having to use such deep symbolism. And I think this poem is prime example of that.

Hi Tholejo,

Sorry, I am too far behind with reponses. Thanks for your revisit and kind words.
I do find deep symbolism sometimes hard to understand especially if one lacks the background information. But it is not an excuse for me not to try to understand it since it is a figure of speech in literature. Some crits on my writing is that there is no depth, it is too descriptive, lacking twists and turns. I am trying to improve it. I guess I'm a simple person and take an apple just as an apple.

Best,

Lake

[Lake]

Lake,

Personally, I would stick with the car :
Firstly, it creates an "aha!" moment in the reader's mind by suddenly putting the poem into a modern context.
Secondly, it places the birds out of sight,( which is necessary IMHO for "lake of mind" to work), whereas "above the treetops" still leaves room for the birds to be seen.
Thirdly - that's how it happened...

Maybe canopy would work, if you really wanted to make the poem timeless.

Keep 'em coming
Geoff

Geoff,

Thanks for your affirmation on the "car". I am glad to read your "Firstly" and going to use it to explain to those who have questions about it. I'll think about "canopy", I heard someone downstairs is in favor of it.

Thank you for reading and polishing.

Lake

[Lake]

Hi Jack,

I enjoy reading your red letters, which stand out and are easy to read.
the 'stroll' is a bad word choice here I feel.I think it's alrerady been mentioned
Yes, it is bad, due to my limited vocabulary.
I think you could leave out 'to their fullest and this would leave a very strong ending to the stanza
It is a very good point. Now you taught me something--if you struggle with something, simply cut it.
I love this imagery and the use of the breaks
I am glad you like it. I was not so sure when I wrote it, thinking others may take it as redundancy.
I don't think the question here is suitable. breaks up the flow for me. Perhaps 'the wind only knows where they're headed' or something along those lines
Good point, I'll have it corrected in my copy.
a nice ending. A strong visual and aural final stanza.
Glad the ending aroused your two senses.

Thank you for your careful reading and detailed comments.

Regards,
Lake

[Lake]

Hi BL,

I appreciate your original point that added multimeanings to the word "canopy".

To be honest, I read some of you comments on other posts, which make me feel scared and hesitant for they are so thoughtful and thorough. Do you mind if I could just jot down one or two lines to your works?

Again, thank you all!

Lake

[kozmikdave]

Nice one Lake - it's all been said.

[Jack Cloverfield]

Hi Jack,


Thank you for your careful reading and detailed comments.

Regards,
Lake

Hey, thats what it's all about. I look forward to reading the update.

regards
Jack

[Transparent]

Only the wind knows....nice imagery. This was a nice scene to imagine. Thanks!