Let me do the rest
Writing rubbish and wasting words
on pages of the same recycled clichés.
An onion forever sitting under your nose.
Where’s the passion Jack?
Stupid man on a windowsill,
mind drifting and looking at the moon,
asking it questions in the dark.
Silly Jack the comedian.
No ones laughing at your words,
they’re not funny.
Its getting cold now, and late,
and you should rest Jack.
You should stop asking questions,
then you should wake up
and give yourself a good slap.
You know why you do it,
you just don’t know how
and it worries you for nothing.
Keep poking the beast and one day,
one secret, special day,
it will wake up.
It will surprise you.
Fresh and keen and learned it will be.
Oh Jack, you are a fool
sitting at your desk, waiting.
End the waiting and poke the beast again.
Get up, stretch, eat something
and see the smoke rise from
another Gitane.
Have a coffee.
Read a book.
For Christ’s sake
Do something Jack
and I will do the rest.
Let me do the rest
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Jack Cloverfield
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: Oxfordshire
This is much better - It doesn't sound as if it's been forced, it's natural, no rhyme striving, no attempts to impress. I like the way it comes across.
This verse reminds me of the Celtic tale of the potion of knowledge that little Gwion accidently tasted. He was chased by Cerridwen who, after a series of mutual shape-shifting, caught him and threw him into the sea. He was washed up and found on a weir by Elffin and named Taliesin, who was adept at writing beautiful verse - all because of Cerridwen's potion. There's a similar tale about the salmon of knowledge - and here you are with your beast of knowledge.
Keep digging it.
Keep poking the beast and one day,
one secret, special day,
it will wake up.
It will surprise you.
Fresh and keen and learned it will be.
nice one
Barrie
This verse reminds me of the Celtic tale of the potion of knowledge that little Gwion accidently tasted. He was chased by Cerridwen who, after a series of mutual shape-shifting, caught him and threw him into the sea. He was washed up and found on a weir by Elffin and named Taliesin, who was adept at writing beautiful verse - all because of Cerridwen's potion. There's a similar tale about the salmon of knowledge - and here you are with your beast of knowledge.
Keep digging it.
Keep poking the beast and one day,
one secret, special day,
it will wake up.
It will surprise you.
Fresh and keen and learned it will be.
nice one
Barrie
I agree with Barrie, Jack - this is very good. Surprisingly confessional. Keep poking. There's really no need to take such a bleak view.
In fact, this poem refutes itself, due to the well chosen words and (especially) the phrasing.
Gitanes, though! Sacre bleu!
Cheers
David
In fact, this poem refutes itself, due to the well chosen words and (especially) the phrasing.
Gitanes, though! Sacre bleu!
Cheers
David
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Jack Cloverfield
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: Oxfordshire
Thankyou both. It's in there somewhere, so I will keep 'poking'. I was in two minds as to wether I should post it but thought, what the hell. As Wilde said, 'All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling'. It's just a case of getting that genuine feeling across effectively.
Chears
Jack
Chears
Jack
Dear Jack,
An interesting piece, and enjoyable. But L3 of S1 is not quite clear to me.The theme is excellent - beast of knowlege. Much has been said by David and Barrie. I am also joining them -"poke the beast"!
Cheers.
An interesting piece, and enjoyable. But L3 of S1 is not quite clear to me.The theme is excellent - beast of knowlege. Much has been said by David and Barrie. I am also joining them -"poke the beast"!
Cheers.
Sorry Jack, but I missed this one earlier.
I can't but accord with B and D, this is really enjoyable. It's very confessional, but doesn't feel teenage-confessional, and that's an impressive act in itself.
It really kicked off for me when I got to the last real stanza. And the use of the 'I'! Top notch.
From the inspiration of this, you can surely bring out a gem the next time round.
If there was any advice I could give that has gotten me out of one of my many writing ditches, it's to find a poet you like and then read them obsessively. Steal their style, imitate them for a while, and it'll eventually be part of your armory when you drift away from it.
Dave
I can't but accord with B and D, this is really enjoyable. It's very confessional, but doesn't feel teenage-confessional, and that's an impressive act in itself.
It really kicked off for me when I got to the last real stanza. And the use of the 'I'! Top notch.
From the inspiration of this, you can surely bring out a gem the next time round.
If there was any advice I could give that has gotten me out of one of my many writing ditches, it's to find a poet you like and then read them obsessively. Steal their style, imitate them for a while, and it'll eventually be part of your armory when you drift away from it.
Dave
Jack,
this has a lot of passion and energy.
And you aren't stupid - you've shown that - poetry takes a lot of work. TS Eliot apparently spend months on end working on Prufrock and Wasteland, batting them back and forth with Ezra Pound. Actually - that could have been an interesting conversation - "what is this stuff about dried tubers? Are they alive or dead? Don't you think it's a bit cliched Eliot?"....
this has a lot of passion and energy.
And you aren't stupid - you've shown that - poetry takes a lot of work. TS Eliot apparently spend months on end working on Prufrock and Wasteland, batting them back and forth with Ezra Pound. Actually - that could have been an interesting conversation - "what is this stuff about dried tubers? Are they alive or dead? Don't you think it's a bit cliched Eliot?"....
Lexi
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Transparent
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:20 pm
I like this...I read the word 'confessional' a few times, seems an appropriate adjective....
Am I too off base, however, to suggest that it reads like a suicide note?
Worth a pondering...
Am I too off base, however, to suggest that it reads like a suicide note?
Worth a pondering...
