Page 1 of 1
Warm Breeze (Revised 1)
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:46 am
by Merlin
I really don't know if this is worth improving
but last night I was thinking about some of the things which I like about Brazil - and one of the things at the top of my list was the warm breeze...
...
Warm Breeze
The Warm Breeze clinches it.
Standing semi-naked at any hour
of my choosing,
knowing without willing
that the gentle massage
of the warmest of trade winds
would purge my body of dying
skin and allure it into
an affable puff.
Imagine walking on
any day of your choosing,
certain without wishing,
that the gentlest vicarious
breath transforms your walk
into an ambrosial glide.
Yes – it is the Warm Breeze
which clinches it for me.
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 10:41 am
by barrie
I don't think you need the lines in italics, your feelings are implied in the body of the poem. The last part of verse one seems to be a bit of a contradiction -
.....purge my body of dying
skin and whip it into
a maelstrom puff. - This makes it sound more like a whipping wind than a breeze giving you a gentle massage.
No nits about V2 where a gentle breeze is well described.
Boreas
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 10:53 am
by David
Yep, I like it. And it's cold and clammy here this morning, so I'm jealous as well.
Not sure about vicarious, but I love the ambrosial glide.
Is that Antonio Carlos Jobim I hear in the background? Is that rum? And who's that girl?
Sorry, got carried away there. Nice one.
Cheers
David
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:39 pm
by Merlin
Thanks Barrie and David for your feedback...
Yeah - I see the contradiction B...will look at that....Glad you liked it D.....I used Vicarious in the sense that you cant
see the breeze.....
Oh well! Back to my woman
......
and rum
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:43 pm
by David
Ah, there's one thing we maybe didn't warn you about this site, merl - it's a bit like Gremlins - have you seen that film? Under the wrong conditions, we change from cuddly squeaky things to vicious raging pedants. Like now ... "I used Vicarious in the sense that you cant see the breeze....."
Now to me, that makes it invisible. Vicarious is if, somehow, it is breathing on your behalf.
See what I mean? Vicious.
Cheers all the same
David
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:55 pm
by Merlin
David wrote:
Now to me, that makes it invisible. Vicarious is if, somehow, it is breathing on your behalf.
See what I mean? Vicious.
Cheers all the same
David
Bitch
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:22 pm
by Lexilogio
Hi Merlin
this is good - and makes us all jealous!
I would echo what Barrie said - about the maelstrom puff - I love the phrase, but I think you need to find a way to tone it down or make it smaller - as it does seem to contradict the gentle breeze idea.
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:59 pm
by Elphin
Merlin
I like it - very evocative of Brazilian or Meditteranean evenings. Maelstrom puff is Ok for me - they almost contradict each other and that actually works in creating the image.
Elphin
Re: Warm Breeze
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:33 am
by Merlin
Elphin...
Pleased you agreed with me about the maelstrom puff....
Barrie and Lexi, taking your dissaproval into account...how does
and allure it into an affable puff. grab you - is it better...
I have revised and wait for another kick in the balls or an agreement