Do

[ioansant]

Do

[Merlin]

I.S.

Well worn subject not really represented in a new or original way at all…

There are probably a million poems out there about dock life vying for first position – this one aint gonna make it….

However….

I enjoyed the internal rhyme, especially…..and some of the imagery is good…..some of it clichéd…but the biggest disappointment is the very forced rhyme ….dont think I need to point all of this out – as you will know where it is placed better than I……..

The other point is why are you capitalising each new line? Wheres the punctuation?

Pierhead building’s wall, gaunt black 'n tall
Looking over the dry dock lock
Hurrying cry of men riding by
Peddling to beat the office clock

Chandlers calling stumbling falling
Over the dockland’s quays
Hawking their wares ignoring the stares
Of Dockers loading by three's

Dry dock workers honest ‘n shirkers
Ride past the dock's lock gate
Devouring a ship, bare-metal to strip
And repair, the tides will not wait and repair sounds awkward

Fitters make fits with mechanical bits
Turners cut keys with guile
Founders cast brass an homogenous mass
And fettlers reduce with a file I like this stanza

Platers fill holes using plate bending rolls
Drilling to take a hot rivet
Heating the same in a cherry red flame
Lucifer's blood in a bucket Not sure how Lucifer gets his ass in here

Pilots in boats white hats and blue coats
Riding grey waves from the coast
Alighting at last before the ship's mast
To steer new ways for the host

Ship girls gyrate by the dry dock gate my favourite part of the docks
Haunting with siren cries
Flashing red lips swaying wide hips
In time with their silken thighs

Boatmen in boats huddled in coats
Row across cold sheer water
Catching a rope thrown out in hope
and tying to a bollard-like daughter another good stanza

Port officers health move quietly stealth
Sampling drinking springs
Clutching at hats avoiding the rats
Sprightly taking to wings. Poor ending and awkward to boot
31 January 2006

[ioansant]

Thanks Merlin, lucifer's blood is fire, and riveters catch the red hot rivet in bucket. It's about a repair dry dock hence the repair bit. It was one of my early attemps. There's no punctuation really. I don't like using a capital letter for each line, but I can change it.

[barrie]

I thought this was going fine as far as Lucifer's blood in a bucket , then it seemed to lose its former drive, you seemed to be scrambling for scenes to write about. The industrial scenes were a little Lowryesque but set a little further east than Salford. (time for an edit - I mean West).

Maybe you should think about adjusting the rhythm of line one -

Pierhead building’s wall, gaunt black 'n tall
Looking over the dry dock lock - maybe to

The Pierhead's wall, gaunt, black and tall
Looking over the dry dock lock - just a thought.

As it is, it's a stumbling start, which is a shame.

Barrie

[ioansant]

Rhanks Barrie, it difficult one for me to chage that as it's personal and I know it has to be. It can work if you count the comma pause as a syllable. When read aloud it's not too bad. I could change it to shack if you think that would do.

Pierhead shack's wall gaunt black an' tall, but it does't sound rigth to me in that way either. But thanks for the comment, appreciate.