Poetry Forum

PS: Unsure of the title - suggestions welcome

Gidday

The title is a bit tame for this, IMO. Why not "Gropecunt Lane"? What a great name for a street. Is it real or just your imagination?

A red lantern fluttered and swayed
like he imagined Aphrodite would.

Not sure of the image here although it is clever, I took a while to get it because the red lantern is inanimate and I was imagining it's creaking with the breeze. Not sure how you could incorporate the wordplay better.

He unfolded his appetites
and walked towards the ruby glow.

Liked this! I imagined "unzipped" when I read "unfolded". Clever phrase.

Clambered 7 broken stone steps,
sauntered in and paid the price.

Guess we all get to meet at the clinic.

Merlin,

wrt the title
- you've used "unfolded" - howzabout "Wad" ?

Liked it
Geoff

Hi merlin.

I really liked this. The images created are excellent and the words are cleverly arranged.

I'd second that "Gropecunt Lane" would make a better title.

Thanks so much for your feedback…really appreciated….Yes…will change the title to Gropecunt Lane…

KozmicDave,

Gropecunt lane is an authentic reference:

Gropecunt Lane was a name used in English-speaking towns and cities in the Middle Ages for streets where prostitutes conducted their business.

More info, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gropecunt_Lane

Thanks again…

I believe it's just off Diagon Alley, but for some reason was never featured in the films.

I liked this. it was an economical poem, very compressed and i think it would have been just as clear what it was about if the lane was called something much more mundane. I don't know how that might change the impact.

Watkin's Ale...an olde English song with much the same meaning in the title.

Thank you!

Gropecunt lane?

Grope Cunt lane?

Dude...really rude.

It's a lovely poem though, short and suggestive, just like the act in this case, but the title sounds like something a drunken teenager would come up with. Perhaps find out the address of a real place and put that as the poem title.

Cryptic Cadence wrote:Gropecunt lane?

Grope Cunt lane?

Dude...really rude.

It's a lovely poem though, short and suggestive, just like the act in this case, but the title sounds like something a drunken teenager would come up with. Perhaps find out the address of a real place and put that as the poem title.

It is a real place, Jude - check out the wikipedia reference provided by Merlin. It's historical!

Cheers

David

Merl,

I definately drafted a reply to this, where's she gone?!! Dunno, nevermind.

I think this has changed a bit since my original draft crit. I love this poem, the title is excellent and I am Soooooo pleased the place actually existed, that is such a beautiful touch. I've got nothing to add to it Merl, it works fine as it is/

Cryptic - blimey, you are spreading the word aren't you? You clearly have not read the thread either . . . . .

Excellent poem, although it seems I am much too late and have missed the first draft...curious about the original title?

Personally I might like to see the first word changed... or perhaps the entire first sentence deleted...'Lost' could be 'Searching' or something similar (foraging? hehe) which IMO fits better with 'appetite' later on.

But the entire opening sentence seems to be a bit of needless baggage in an attempt to get started. 'He chanced upon....' could have stood on it's own and better suits the two lines per stanza in the remainder.

Still, it's great stuff, and 'unfolded his appetites' is a wonderful line any time.

Cheers

I keep coming back to this - For some reason, I have it set in Jacobean times.

unfolded his appetites has already been applauded - most deservedly.

The last verse is my favourite, particularly the last phrase - a hint at some future retribution (something 'picked up'), as well as the fee.

Clambered 7 broken stone steps,
sauntered in and paid the price.

Just a thought about L1 of V2

A red lantern fluttered and swayed - Would a lantern flutter? Would it not flicker?

A red lantern flickered and swayed.

nice one

Barrie

barrie wrote:
The last verse is my favourite, particularly the last phrase - a hint at some future retribution (something 'picked up'), as well as the fee.

Spot on B...

Merlin

I've been back and forward to this one during its development - IMO its very good, clever word play and word choice.

I agree fluttered is not quite right. My only thought other than flickered, which works for the lantern but maybe not for Aphrodite is whether flirted might work?

One other idea - The shape of the poem could jar with a reader and I wonder if you reshape like below
do you create some feminine curves and also the final line of each stanza is a strong one.

Just a thought - maybe a daft one.

Elphin

Thanks Elphin - I like your suggestion of ¨flirted¨....

When I chose ¨fluttered¨ I had in mind eyelashes ...and flirted kinds keeps the tone...

Thanks...for the other bits too...