The Birth of Venus By Botticelli (Welsh Version)

[dogofdiogenes]

He fishes it on the Towy Bay.
His life, his boat, his girl. Today
The coracle dips and bows, carousels
And his ant of a girl steps in.
Caitlin.

The lights aren't lit in Towy. The land lilts
When the boat bounces. Her laughter silts
As the wind blows, becomes boy
Grows eyes, a mouth which spits flowers.
Showers

Of gold fall on the fold of her neck.
Transfiguration on the deck.
The bay is boiling, the nativity now
Venus is shivering in her Botticellian cell.
Well.

The sea sucks and slaps at the side of the shell,
Its tongue twisted by the look of the belle
Brought to birth in the bay. Caitlin, come back
he cries. And rushes to cover her up.

No luck:

His own gender twists,
Art History assists
He's the one on the right with the silks.

[David]

I think you are a bit of a star, Jacq. This is loads of fun, beautiful reeling lilting (your word) rhythm. I love the one-word lines, especially the sheer joyous cheek of Well.

I reckon, if you read it again, there are moments where it loses intelligibility. (I'm big on intelligibility, me.) Do you see that at all? Or is it just me being thick?

I didn't quite get the ending. (Liked it though.) Is that a he with the silks? Are you Dan Brown in disguise?

Anyway, liked it a lot. We're going to enjoy having you around here. You must ask yourself whether you should still be posting in Beginners. Have a think about that.

Cheers

David

[dogofdiogenes]

David,

I'm glad you liked it. Which bits did you particularly find a bit confusing? The trouble is, this is the only place where anybody else sees what I write so I haven't posted enough yet to develop that sense of what is clear to other people-when I assume that what I have written is lucid.

Anyway, regards the ending....yes, the boyfriend turns into the other figure in the painting. But it is fantasy, after all. How do we know Venus didn't come from Towy? "His own gender twists" it's part of the whole thing, in fact a much bigger transformation for him than her-but only because the god of "Art History assists" and then it's explained-"He's the one on the right with the silks"

Poor boy.

[dogofdiogenes]

And I am very good at obsfurcation. Even my husband says that.

houndette

[Cryptic Cadence]

Don't you mean obfuscation

[Minstrel]

This is funny. Really funny.

[kozmikdave]

Nice twist at the end. Quite a rollicking little poem and very entertaining. Second read was much better than the first ant it helped to have a picture of same on the screen. Enjoyed.

[Merlin]

Excellent..DD......

It's a bit of a piss-off seeing quality such as this in the beginners sesction .....( don' t forget the likes of litle ol me, got to follow something like that... )

Very very, good...nuffin else to say....except ......well you know

[Cryptic Cadence]

Am I the only one that thinks this poem is referring to some sexual thing?

[dogofdiogenes]

Don't you mean obfuscation

Yes, I probably do....I was too lazy to get the dictionary, long may i be shamed

dog-tired

[Cryptic Cadence]

No worries haha, we all have typos

But you're cleared, it was a lovely poem, I think though what I thought it to be was very different from what others though, seeing all the posts.

It's a solid piece of work, should be put up into advanced section.

[barrie]

I didn't know what to expect when I saw the title - A commentary on the painting from a Welsh point of view, or maybe the imagined painted nativity of Branwen. I certainly didn't expect this. I began reading expecting something serious.( I would have found this extremely difficult because I always associate this painting with Monty Python's animated version) - what a pleasant surprise, even more so with the twist at the end.
There's one line that doesn't flow as naturally as the rest -

Its tongue twisted by the look of the belle - the look of the belle comes over as forced rhyme. Nobody else has pointed it out, so maybe it's just me.

Again - a very good ending. (does he end up changing his name?)

nice one

Barrie

[David]

David,

I'm glad you liked it. Which bits did you particularly find a bit confusing? The trouble is, this is the only place where anybody else sees what I write so I haven't posted enough yet to develop that sense of what is clear to other people-when I assume that what I have written is lucid.

I take it back. I've read it again (and again) and I take it back. Well, except maybe just for the nativity now / Venus is shivering in her Botticellian cell - something's missing, I'm sure, but is it just a matter of punctuation?

Anyway, regards the ending....yes, the boyfriend turns into the other figure in the painting. But it is fantasy, after all. How do we know Venus didn't come from Towy? "His own gender twists" it's part of the whole thing, in fact a much bigger transformation for him than her-but only because the god of "Art History assists" and then it's explained-"He's the one on the right with the silks"

D'oh! I get it now.

It's really very good. Here's my absolute favourite bit:

And his ant of a girl steps in.
Caitlin.

That definitely reminds me of something. I'll get back to you when I remember what it is, but it doesn't detract from your poem. I love it. Well done. (I'll tell you one thing I like about this site - there's no begrudgery. If people like something, they don't mind telling you. Of course, it works the other way too! And so it should.)

Cheers

David

[oranggunung]

Jacq

Clever, witty, accomplished. I hope there’s plenty more where this came from.

Looking forward to reading them.


og