Poetry Forum

Overwintering


Softened, December bears the season which
picks at birth and plucks out pleasing.
Softened and sheared, the habits of rearing, more
dormant than teeth not involved in the tearing.

Rigid, home is coombed by facts of love,
To please we hover over dinner to prove
this meal is good. By an unlit stove
she works her tongue so smooth

it serves as spoon: from there the only
heat this year will come. Charming,
the cutlery of tongues will sound and calling
all that sees, will skin it.Crawling,

black, the bible leaves as
once warmed we are the salvers
of life she wished she left in pieces.
Here are knives made of muscles

handled by bones. I wish they
were mine when I shudder, stutter away
the frog in my throat. At the edge of the fray
is the truth on my plate. Frog has no

say. A brief future is crushed down
with eyes; all are torn
down by her. She was never sore
giving birth. Just the door.

Father picks. The attempt at
truth missed.
It died on my plate,
where it still sits.

Dog of d

Its going to take me a few reads this one but here are first impressions. Firslty, the theme I am getting is a cold mother and the setting Christmas dinner. I hope I'm not wrong.

There are some really excellent lines

dogofdiogenes wrote:December bears the season which
picks at birth and plucks out pleasing

dogofdiogenes wrote:By an unlit stove
she works her tongue so smooth
it serves as spoon:

dogofdiogenes wrote:Charming,
the cutlery of tongues

are particular favourites.

I thought v1-3 were strong, I got a bit lost in the middle and then the last two verses brought it back again. So if anything to crit I'd say v4 and v5 could be tighter and clearer, maybe black with bible is cliched but forgiveable, does heat come from a spoon?

Overall good piece that could be honed into excellence- I think it should be in experienced.

Elphin

Hmmm

I have plenty of ideas, but when put together, no idea at all. I love the feel of it but it drags me off on a lot of different tangents.

I oictured sheep in the first half of the poem, with lines such as:

Softened and sheared, the habits of rearing, more
dormant than teeth not involved in the tearing

she works her tongue so smooth
it serves as spoon:

the cutlery of tongues (great phrase! - seen cows use their tongues to manipulate food)

Here are knives made of muscles (still thinking it's the tongue)

Now the frog.

A brief future is crushed down
with eyes; (frogs swallow by shutting their eyes. Gulp!)

She was never sore
giving birth. (fits amphibious life-style but now I'm clutching at straws.)

Trying to relate these images to a human situation is difficult in my mind. I hope I am at least part way there.

Hi Mutt,

Like Elph, I thought of a harsh mother at Christmas.

I am slightly confused by
"Father picks" : is he picking a fight, arguing back, or merely picking at his plate in silence.

Also
Here are knives made of muscles
handled by bones
-is this a reference to being hit? Whatever, I like the inversion of "bone-handled knives" (can't remember the last time I saw any of those...)

Some fine lines:
To please we hover over dinner to prove
this meal is good.

Frog has no say

Intriguing read
Geoff

Hi folks,

Thanks for your comments. It is indeed about a very cold mother and the chill which she brings with her in every sense of the word-physical, mental, continual. Father does indeed pick at everything-it's his inadequate way of doing things, his only connection with the world. And what comes out of her mouth is like cutlery (hinged by the idea that the pen is mightier than the sword) cold, clean, clattering-so that the children really cannot understand her misery. Neither do they know how to change it and the only attempt dies anyway, the little truth which pops out of the mouth quite by surprise and then goes nowhere. And truth as a separate entity, not tied to anyone person...I had a lot of ideas which I wanted to put together, but possibly it was too much and again, I lacked clarity (same old....) .I've been there before and I'll go there again, no doubt!!!

Thank you

Mucho Muttley

Hey Dog

Great read, the tempo and rhyme help settle you in, sets the expectation for a comfortable ride.

I was getting some cold love from this, there's some cracking lines which work well and add to the ambiguity:

S2 was my favourtie; home is coombed by facts of love, is a great line.

Having read your response, I can understand where you're coming from, this still holds up as a good piece though although much like Koz I felt I was being pulled off on tangents - that's no bad thing mind.

Nice one

Beau
x

I had a lot of ideas which I wanted to put together, but possibly it was too much and again, I lacked clarity (same old....) .

Yep, that's pretty much what I got, I think. Some good lines, as previously noticed, but it seems a bit too knotty. Needs to be smoother - not bland and processed, just ... smoother.

Do you see what I mean? Hope so!

Cheers

David

David

are you able to elucidate smoother? Do you mean a bit more ironed out, so that you get the sense without the detail you don't need?

dogtired

Ah, Jacq, you've called me out. Now I have to back up what I said with a bit of substance. Okely dokely ...

I don't think it's a question of too much detail, but it feels like a bit of a bumpy read. Lots of enjambment, which is often a good thing - better than strictly end-stopping every line - but I wonder if you've overdone it here?

I also found it a bit hard to follow. You've tried to achieve some striking phrases, successfully, a lot of the time, but I think the result is a bit opaque in places. At least, that's how it struck me, and I'm not that much stoopider than the average bear. Something like

Crawling,

black, the bible leaves as
once warmed we are the salvers
of life she wished she left in pieces

takes a whole lot of understanding.

I've said before that I don't think you're a beginner, and I still think that. This doesn't change my opinion at all. It's just one of those that doesn't quite do for others what we think it's going to do. If you're happy to go on posting in Beginners, then go right ahead. But if you want a proposer for an upgrade, look no further, and I don't think you'll have any problem finding a seconder either.

I'm sorry I can't be clearer about why this poem isn't working for me. It's all subjective, innit, and that's my twopennorth.

Now, have another crack at it, or put it aside for a while and try another one. Keep moving!

Cheers

David

The imagery is very good.
The enjambment:

it serves as spoon: from there the only
heat this year will come. Charming,

"it serves as spoon: from there the only" This is not a complete thought or image. Perhaps the words, "from there the only" verges on a cliche...Maybe, a different word choice, more vibrant image to enhance this line?

"heat this year will come. Charming." This is almost a complete thought, and well written.

Just a reader, not an expert. I enjoyed this poem very much. It does depict "overwintering."