Poetry Forum

All i wanna do is
sleep my life away
I couldnt think of anything
but you today
Load up on Nyquil
prepare to run away
from my life
from you
in those navy blue jeans
It seems
that you had me
at hello.

And all i know is
i fell into this
i fell into you
im falling for you fast
And now im gone
so gone
and im gone
from wanting you.

Gidday

Reads quite well - I didn't mind it. I wondered why you chose to punctuate this so sporadically. (I assume use of lower case "I" throughout is a sign of depression.)

It seems
that you had me
at hello.

Not an expression I often come across, but it gets the idea across pretty well.

pleasantly desperate-and although it seems disjointed, it reminds me of the thought processes of someone who is unwell. The 'hello' line also had a nice double ring for me-it was beneficent and sinister at the same time.

dogdonein

I liked the fell of the piece, and the 'hello' part. The first strophe is my favourite.
Cheers.

This was a fun read…..enjoyable…

All i wanna do is
sleep my life away
I couldnt think of anything
but you today
Load up on Nyquil
prepare to run away
from my life
from you
in those navy blue jeans
It seems
that you had me
at hello. (terrific line)

And all i know is
i fell into this
i fell into you
im falling for you fast (there is possibly a tense problem here – with falling? – I fell into this , followed by; I fell into you, followed by; I’m falling, Followed by; and now I’m gone?)

And now im gone
so gone
and im gone
from wanting you.

Thanks...

Isnt the line 'you had me at hello', out of the movie Jerry maguire?

dl04 wrote:Isnt the line 'you had me at hello', out of the movie Jerry maguire?

It is

Jerry Maguire: This is going to change everything.
Dorothy: Promise?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Maguire: I won't let you get rid of me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Maguire: I love you. You... you complete me. And I just...
Dorothy: Shut up, just shut up. You had me at "hello".

i actually didnt know it was out of any movie.
damnit.
i thought it was good too.
o well.


but thanks for the comments guy,
i appreciate them.

Yeah I like this a sense of desperation here too. The emotiveness of it strikes with me and I can see an honest expression of something real. The way it is written almost makes me stumble through it though, I think I want savour each line but just as I begin to read it, i am on the next.

Not that that is a critisicm, its just my reading of it.

I like the honesty.