Poetry Forum

In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler.

I burn inside.

As the fish-shaped ashtray
keeps staring at my undoing,
your deep kisses savor my poison.

Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?

Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart?

No use contemplating,

we are both suffering in tandem.

I actually found this an intresting read. Just a few points though:

In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler

I would get rid of this as you've already used you in the previous line, and your just clutters up the flow into the next line IMO.

I burn inside.

A bit cliched for me. I feel this line could be continued onto a stanza rather than just a solitary declarative.

Overaly though, it creates a very dark tone, which i like of passion and desire. Some lines are great:

'the smoke tangles around you'

Nice work .

This has a darkish feel….I like it…

Some things I would consider:

In a serpentine queue
the smoke tangles around you,
your bemused eyes paler. (bin Your)

I burn inside. (cliché?)

As the fish-shaped ashtray (nice line)
keeps staring at my undoing,
your deep kisses savor my poison. (I would consider changing - deep kisses)
Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?

Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart?

No use contemplating,

we are both suffering in tandem.

I liked it - but think it could be improved...thanks...

I also like this a lot. It does feel rather dark and that's refreshing. Looking through the suggestions, I agree with everything that Merlin has suggested - with his line by line crit , hmmmm... I actually have nothing to add to that. I'd love to see a little modification to this piece though, I think it could be really great. Nice work.

Yes I shall take Merlin's suggestions into consideration. Thank you Merlin, Dl4 and Keekee.
Cheers.

I thought the ending was pretty good:

"Do you need me
for the sake of a winter
outside?

Or must I implode
for the sake of a burning,
in and around your heart? "

Helps to put this addiction into perspective as some kind of a human relationship.

What I found confusing though was you seem to keep changing the view quite a bit.

Gidday

Intriguing poem. Most things have already been said.

Not keen on smoke queuing (sp?) in this instance, but it has merit.

Last lines were strong.

Enjoyed mostly.