Poetry Forum

Merl, I like this. An irreverent and irreligious fable, if I'm not very much mistaken, but what are the houses for vampire bats?

And what is the VOON- VOON -? Sounds like a motorbike revving up to me. (So, not that irrevverent then.)

A fun read.

Cheers

David

Hi Dave,

HNY - nice to hear from you...

¨houses for vampire bats¨ is a bullet for organized places of worship...

¨ VOON- VOON ¨ is just a bit of fun (the motorbike thing is not far off)...its a satire or help with correct pronunciation...stressing the syl....

The whole thing is a parody ...realy....dont know how it comes across...

The nice rhymes helped liven the poem up a bit, as some kind of Shakespearean pentameter.
Never use the same difficult word twice; 'precocious'

"Was he a jack, an ace or knave" - A bit overused ?

Gidday Merlin

I have to say I found some of this a bit confusing. I'm not sure what it about, but for some of the time I used the cards idea and imagined some poker wizard.

Just a couple of small quibbles:

in V2:
Was he a jack, an ace or knave?

[jack = knave in a standard deck of cards]

in V3:

A piper pied was not he

... is a very awkward line that you seem to have conjured up. It takes away the credibility of the rest of the verse and possibly more.

VOON- VOON -duhr-kint was good - a nice play with words. {Also, can a Wunderkind be as old as thirty?}

I know I'm missing something, because to me it is all pretty random. None of my mental models work with this poem entirely, but maybe that is the trick you are playing on me.

Hi Dave,

Thanks for your feedback...HNY...

....................................
Just a couple of small quibbles:

in V2:
Was he a jack, an ace or knave?

[jack = knave in a standard deck of cards]
.......................................

Sure, agree it does, but Knave also has other meanings....and it's the double meaning of the word which is important to the poem....

.............................................................
A piper pied was not he

... is a very awkward line that you seem to have conjured up. It takes away the credibility of the rest of the verse and possibly more.

I dissagree here Dave, I think it's in tune with poem....don't forget it's a kind of parody, and it's language which may well be used in a light-hearted way....

...................................................................
VOON- VOON -duhr-kint was good - a nice play with words. {Also, can a Wunderkind be as old as thirty?}

Again Dave, Wunderkind can equally apply to someone who has achieved a lot and is relatively young.....a 30 or late 20s guy can still be look upon as a wunderkind......(just ask the demoted, older execs at most big corps)...lol

I know I'm missing something, because to me it is all pretty random. None of my mental models work with this poem entirely, but maybe that is the trick you are playing on me.

I am not playing a trick, mate......to me at least it's obvious who this poem is taking the mick out of....

Thanks Dave, your feedback is always VERY welcome...

Reading this the 5th time now...

I really have no reasonable 'model' if I may borrow kozmik's view of this poem, I really like it though, but it changes a lot in the imagery which is hard to follow. All I picture is old wizards to poker games and some kind of orcish language at the end

I reckon this doesn't belong in beginners, brilliant poem.

The rythm is great in this poem can i just say, a very fluid read. Just a few points though:

'A piper pied was not he
who mesmerized whom he did see'

A bit clunky this line, needs a more immediate flow. Maybe:

'a pied piper not was he
mesermized at whom he did see'.

Dont know if that helps, i just feel it lends to the overall rythm in your piece.

Apart from the odd line here or there, the piece is pretty good. If i'm not mistaken, this seems deeply comedic and i like the references to vampire bats, knaves etc.

A very enjoyable piece

Got to agree with Koz here, Merl.

A piper pied was not he
who mesmerized whom he did see - Just appears as a very forced bit of rhyme and meter. Too Mcgonagallic. I think it has a bit of a detrimental effect on the rest of the poem, but that's just my opinion, and, of course, it's your call.

cheers

Barrie

OK - I I submit...with Dave(Koz), Barrie and dl , critting that mesmeric pied piper bit - will work on changing it....

Thanks guys...