Angles

[Cooper]

Angles

Today,
two angels approached me,
and all I could say was sorry.
It was strange.
They seemed to appear in front of me,
adorned in christian uniform,
both brandishing umbrellas in the rain.
Their badge's faith and name proclaimed.
and my ear piece is removed.

They spoke with smiles and welcoming eyes,
but I not the time for words of the 'blind'
Dimissed with sorry; sideways step
and onwards trekking through the wet.
It didn't take long before I thought of religion,
since earlier i'd been in an Afghani region.

Questioning thoughts and dashes of guilt
on a lazy sunday day of rest,
something seemingly always done best

[barrie]

Welcome to the forum. Please just have a look through the forum rules, the main one being that you first submit at least two crits before you post a poem - This is how the forum works, on feedback from other posters. I'm sure you'll soon pick it up.

cheers

Barrie

[Cooper]

ah sorry.. seems fair!

[Cryptic Cadence]

At first I thought you made a mistake between angles and angels.

Not quite sure what this is about, but assuming this is metaphorical...

Someone is lost in the desert and two soldiers you meet in the 'afghani region' pops up and saves you, also a double standard for another metaphorical meaning; being lost in the desert through sin and the angels of the Lord come and guide you to the right path, but you refuse and continue moving on in your own way.

I thought the 'earpiece' line was pretty good, it could also help the overall meaning of someone dying, of old age and angels coming to greet 'faith and name proclaimed' shows no earpiece is needed to hear their celestial voices, at first I thought it was a military earpiece.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I thought perhaps the title might have been a typo as well. But if not, then I feel you might have exploited the "angles" a wee bit more. At the moment it still seems like a misspelling.

I didn't mind this piece. It told an identifyable tale and generally well written. I have a couple of suggestions, however.

since earlier i'd been in an Afghani region.

I didn't think you exploited this line enough. It just left me thinking, "So what?" Please explain. Did you lose your faith there? Or perhaps you discovered some kind of faith. Were you in the forces or some terrorist training camp? More information would help this reader.

Questioning thoughts and dashes of guilt
on a lazy sunday day of rest,
something seemingly always done best

The last idea is strong, but the final line needs work. For a start, "something" should be plural. I keep re-reading it to wrestle with the grammar and lose sight of the objective.

[Cooper]

Thanks for reading and taking the time to write something about my poem, will do some analysis of my own today..
'Afghani region' is a reference to the poppy fields there...

[Cryptic Cadence]

Ahh...the drugs...

[Merlin]

I enjoyed this - very quiet, interesting kinda read...

One or 2 observs...
Angles

Today,
two angels approached me,
and all I could say was sorry.
It was strange.
They seemed to appear in front of me,
adorned in christian uniform,
both brandishing umbrellas in the rain. (nice line)
Their badge's faith and name proclaimed. (bit unsure of this line- we already know who they are)
and my ear piece is removed. (nice line)

They spoke with smiles and welcoming eyes, (bit cliched)
but I not the time for words of the 'blind'
Dimissed with sorry; sideways step
and onwards trekking through the wet.
It didn't take long before I thought of religion,
since earlier i'd been in an Afghani region. (Afgani field , perhaps)

Questioning thoughts and dashes of guilt (cliched , possibly)
on a lazy sunday day of rest, (lazy Sunday?)
something seemingly always done best

Great effort,

Thanks...

[tryp]

Today,
two angels approached me,
and all I could say was sorry.
It was strange.
It seems like you're trying to use these first four lines to "set the scene" but sometimes it's better to just start with an image and let the reader go from there. Consider eliminating these four lines. However, I see that the discomfort/incoherence of the narrator is important, so maybe you could move the "All I could say was sorry" line to the end of the stanza, possibly as "All I could do was apologize" or something like that. I don't think you need to say that it was strange, or even call them angels directly - the reader will probably figure that out on their own/from the title.
They seemed to appear in front of me, "They appeared in front of me" ?
adorned in christian uniform, I like this "uniform" image - it's powerful, evocative of soldiers and war. Is Christian a proper noun?
both brandishing umbrellas in the rain. Again, nice image - the alliteration also helps. Possibly change "in" to "against?"
Their badge's faith and name proclaimed. I wonder if you could take out this line entirely. It detracts from the strength of the image, in my opinion. I'm not entirely certain about your use of the possessive, should you decide to leave it in.
and my ear piece is removed. Try taking this out of the passive voice - it seemed unclear to me at first what you were talking about. "Is removed" is a sort of awkward construction.

They spoke with smiles and welcoming eyes, I like this use of nonverbal communication
but I not the time for words of the 'blind' I think you're missing a helping verb here, or perhaps you made a typo?
Dimissed with sorry; sideways stepI'm not entirely sure who is being dismissed in this line, but I like the alliteration, and the "sideways step" part
and onwards trekking through the wet.
It didn't take long before I thought of religion, I think the reader can see this without your stating it
since earlier i'd been in an Afghani region. This seems like a slightly obscure allusion - I don't know if I'm understanding what it's meant to accomplish. I'm not sure where you're going with the last two lines of this stanza

Questioning thoughts and dashes of guilt I like the sound of this line - it really sums up the narrator's emotions
on a lazy sunday day of rest, Your repeating "sunday day" here sounds sort of awkward
something seemingly always done best Again, I'm not too sure where this line's going.

I think you have some great images in this poem: "brandishing umbrellas" and "Christian uniform" are two of my favorites. You're also doing some nice things with slant rhyme: "religion/region," "wet/step." However, I thought the situation that the poem describes could be clearer - I had to read it four or five times before I figured out what was going on. I think you could make it stronger by beginning the poem with the great image you present in the middle, of the two people standing there with umbrellas, possibly making it even stronger by adding more details, and then eliminate some of the more "tell-y" lines from the last part while still retaining the narrator's thoughts on the experience.

[scotsman]

i liked it i liked it's pace and imagery

[catastrotopia]

"Dimissed with sorry; sideways step
and onwards trekking through the wet."

This is my favorite line. I feel like it loses some momentum with the next line or two though:

"It didn't take long before I thought of religion,
since earlier i'd been in an Afghani region."

I wouldn't throw them out, but i think they could be a little more streamlined? Just my opinion...

-c