Poetry Forum

Won't be around for a while guys, my last post of this month.

Cheers

I suspect that I am probably a wasted post here since I couldn't really figure out exactly what this poem is about but I saw you had no comments . This may just be my own denseness however! In parts I thought I understood what it was about... perhaps 'romance' doomed to failure? or a fake show of romance? or finding romance, but then I became totally mystified by some of it perhaps partly due to the fact I don't know what 'three fourths' is or is referring to?

Anyway, other than that I thought the imagery was beautiful and it was very well written. I particularly loved: 'these auric and maple beauties resonate nostalgia'. So pretty. So other than making it perhaps a little easier to read the meaning from, I have little else to say. I did think it was a lovely poem though.

Gidday

I was expecting the rhythm to be more metronomic (tic-tic-ding-tic-tic-ding). At least I was in the right ball park. It was hard to read about dancing without the rhythm aiding the process. If you had consciously kept a beat happening in the lines, it may have worked better, although it is not a bad effort at all.

The centred format also lent itself to cellos, violins and bodies, although it doesn't make it easy to read.

I liked -
Endowed with the faculty of a thousand seasons,
these auric and maple beauties resonate nostalgia

very much. I assume you are referring to stringed instrument, followed by the click-track -

But I, see nothing but clockwork motion devoid of all romance.

Three fourths, the clockwork pattern...holds true for patience too.

Try to use an alternative to "clockwork" the second time.
The next verse was not clear to me, although my mind processed some kind of lesbian image.

Mind metamorphism complete, a lambent gem was she.
Delicate darling, defy natural law will you?
With gorgeous solitude.

I liked the last two lines and thought they helped consolidate some of the previous imagery.

Instead of the first clockwork, could you not use metronomic?

'But I,
see metronomic motion devoid of all romance.' - Alliteration too.

Just a thought

Barrie

Crypto, you're not channelling Don McLean here, are you? Castles in the Air:

For I will not be part
Of her cocktail generation, partners waltz
Devoid of all romance

Just a thought.

And while we're spotting influences, Delicate darling, defy natural law will you? is the most outright Hopkinsian (Gerard Manley) line I've read in many a long while.

It's more than just that, though. I like it. It's a bit poetically vague, but I like it - some great sound combinations.

Cheers

David

David...

This was actually influence by Castles in the Air by Don McLean and The Last Waltz by Engelbert, however...I only took 'devoid of all romance' from McLean's.

There is actually no lesbian imagery in this haha, don't know where you guys got that from

And as for:

"Delicate darling, defy natural law will you? is the most outright Hopkinsian (Gerard Manley) line I've read in many a long while."

I have no idea who that is, and I sure didn't copy him

keekee107 wrote:I suspect that I am probably a wasted post here since I couldn't really figure out exactly what this poem is about but I saw you had no comments . This may just be my own denseness however! In parts I thought I understood what it was about... perhaps 'romance' doomed to failure? or a fake show of romance? or finding romance, but then I became totally mystified by some of it perhaps partly due to the fact I don't know what 'three fourths' is or is referring to?

Anyway, other than that I thought the imagery was beautiful and it was very well written. I particularly loved: 'these auric and maple beauties resonate nostalgia'. So pretty. So other than making it perhaps a little easier to read the meaning from, I have little else to say. I did think it was a lovely poem though.

Three fourths is the beat to a waltz

barrie wrote:Instead of the first clockwork, could you not use metronomic?

'But I,
see metronomic motion devoid of all romance.' - Alliteration too.

Just a thought

Barrie

That's a good idea barrie, thanks for that, I will change that.

i liked it and your choice of words went well i thought