Poetry Forum

Gidday

A bit Mills & Boone for my liking because it is difficult not to write something like this that has not already been run over by trucks. This is not to say that the subject cannot be tackled with originality.

I have pointed out some issues that I think are problematic. Please don't see it as an attack.

First of all I was confused by your use of person. You described the woman of the poem in both second and third persons.

I also thought the early longing for his touch meant he wasn't there, but instead of being precoitital, he had already had his wicked way and was snoring with contentment. It almost seemed like two separate images glued together.

Watch grammar and punctuation, as these really help keep the reader stable.

Disrobed naked (a tautology - strip it back, hehehehe)

Vulnerable you stand (who?)

Yearning for the mere

Touch of his hand

Silken skin glimmers in the night (perhaps a touch cliche)

Fast beats her heart (Who?) (why reverse the subject/verb?)

Engulfed in its lust

As naked flesh (also cliche)

Twist(s?) and thrusts

Oh how vulnerable (you used this before - think of a synonym)

Yet fulfilled is he (reversed the subject/verb again)

And how strong

Empowered she (who?)

Ok - well what about some positives? The form (centred) was good for the subject matter. I liked the idea of the man being fulfilled yet vulnerable (like a male praying mantis or spider). I'm sure a bit of editing could turn this caterpillar into a butterfly.

Disrobed naked
Vulnerable you stand
Yearning for the mere
Touch of his hand
Silken skin glimmers in the night
Fast beats her heart
Engulfed in its lust
As naked flesh
Twist and thrusts
Oh how vulnerable
Yet fulfilled is he
And how strong
Empowered she

What is it saying that hasn't already been said in very similar words?

Kilravcliche

I am not a big fan of "two words per verse poems" to start with. I thought the thought of the poem was clear enough and it is quite a refreshing poem to read. I would change the first verse "disrobed naked" as they are referring to the same thing. Well Done. ~ Gakbu.

scotsman

kozmik d has pretty much covered it.

Don't be too put off by other negatives about the subject matter - you have handled shape, rhythm and rhyme fairly well so write lots more and you will develop your writing.

Also have a go at deeper crits - you will find that explaining what works in a poem for you will develop your own style.

Elphin

I liked this. In particualar the pace of the piece.. Granted the content isn't very original, but the use of language is nice as is the structure of the poem.

Would'nt the opening of the poem work better without the word disrobed,do'nt we already know anyone naked is disrobed?

kozmikdave wrote:First of all I was confused by your use of person. You described the woman of the poem in both second and third persons.

It is a little confusing. Maybe there is more than one woman? ("you" is thinking of "he" who is with another "she"?)

-c

I really liked this poem, I understand what others say about the use of cliche but a cliche is still valid language especially when dealing with such a universal subject, it feels comfortable and familiar to read, in a good way. Ilex.