Sky
My heart exanded with the sky - What's exanded? Do you mean extended?
I think you would benefit from reading some Chinese and Japananese zen verse. The last verse reminded me of a Japanese poem I read a couple of months ago - I'll try to find it again and let you read it.
Madawc
I think you would benefit from reading some Chinese and Japananese zen verse. The last verse reminded me of a Japanese poem I read a couple of months ago - I'll try to find it again and let you read it.
Madawc
Hmmmmmmm, this poem is extremely hard to follow IMO due to the obscurity of the theme and the word-play used. The punctuation is non-existent and some of the lines are very feeble and take away from the makings of a good piece of writing. I'll give you an example:
I slept next to
the lake and dreamt
the roses changed
colour in the skyand the moon burned
on the lake.
This line ruins the depth you created in the op[ening lines and it just falls flat for the rest of the poem. The lines need to be more structured and possibly linked together, rather than following after each other all the times. The graphology just makes it hard to follow and i became more concentrated on the structure rather than appreciating some nice imagery.
I dont mean to be harsh, i just feel it needs some work. Dont be discouraged though, because god knows i still have a lot to learn with writing. Keep at it, you do have a nice way with words. It just needs to come together more with the structure and more sophisticated language if possible.
Keep on going though
I slept next to
the lake and dreamt
the roses changed
colour in the skyand the moon burned
on the lake.
This line ruins the depth you created in the op[ening lines and it just falls flat for the rest of the poem. The lines need to be more structured and possibly linked together, rather than following after each other all the times. The graphology just makes it hard to follow and i became more concentrated on the structure rather than appreciating some nice imagery.
I dont mean to be harsh, i just feel it needs some work. Dont be discouraged though, because god knows i still have a lot to learn with writing. Keep at it, you do have a nice way with words. It just needs to come together more with the structure and more sophisticated language if possible.
Keep on going though
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
Do you think that you could catch up on your crits - You've posted seven poems now but managed only ten crits. It's not long since you actually asked for someone to comment on one of your poems, yet you don't seem overeager to do the same for others. Give and take.
Barrie
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
So doves
What happened to your poem? All that is left is
What happened to your poem? All that is left is
Can you leave the original in so we can see you changes? As it stands, it is a little too esoteric for this reader.lk;lk
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]