[ Written in tribute to the spirit of Non-violent movement of Mahatma Gandhi.]
The Charkha
inspired millions
yarns tied the like-minded,
resolute minds weaved
attires of courage.
Prison walls proved incapable
to contain non-violence.
One man
had lovingly sewn
ethos of life
on the banks of Sabarmati,
Shots fired on 30th January, 1948,
could not stop
the tranquil flow
Sabarmati
Simple, sincere and effective. I'm not sure about pluralizing 'attire'.
'resolute minds weaved
the attire of courage.'
This sounds better to me.
I've been back to read a few of your poems, i think this is one of the best.
Madawc.
'resolute minds weaved
the attire of courage.'
This sounds better to me.
I've been back to read a few of your poems, i think this is one of the best.
Madawc.
Nice tribute. I find the last stanza is powerful, which implies peace conquers violence.
One thing I'm not so sure about is the use of punctuations, they are not used consistently I'm afraid.
All the best.
One thing I'm not so sure about is the use of punctuations, they are not used consistently I'm afraid.
All the best.
Well first of all loved the 30th January reference (my birthday 
).
Like Ghandi himself, a very cool, balanced and effortless flow about it. Very strong semantics of the overcomings of hardships and the resolute nature of man in general. I just think it strikes all the right chords.
Very nice work
dl04.
).Like Ghandi himself, a very cool, balanced and effortless flow about it. Very strong semantics of the overcomings of hardships and the resolute nature of man in general. I just think it strikes all the right chords.
Very nice work
dl04.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
arunansu
Its good to read another of your pieces, your different cultural perspective I think enhances the forum.
The strongest part of this piece is the effortlessness and simplicity of the piece. I have a couple of observations though, you may want to think about. Firstly, at parts you are inclined to "tell" rather than "show". For example
Prison walls proved incapable
to contain non-violence
Secondly, I had to find out what a Charkha was (nothing wrong in that) and having done so what strikes me is that the metaphor of cloth - something strongly associated with Gandhi - should be (and is to some extent already) central to this poem along with the Sabarmati. I think the prison walls stanza doesn't fit and also the final stanza is a"tell" stanza whereas it should be the one where the cloth and the river come together
I can't give you a specific rewrite but hopefully you get what I mean
Elphin
Its good to read another of your pieces, your different cultural perspective I think enhances the forum.
The strongest part of this piece is the effortlessness and simplicity of the piece. I have a couple of observations though, you may want to think about. Firstly, at parts you are inclined to "tell" rather than "show". For example
Prison walls proved incapable
to contain non-violence
Secondly, I had to find out what a Charkha was (nothing wrong in that) and having done so what strikes me is that the metaphor of cloth - something strongly associated with Gandhi - should be (and is to some extent already) central to this poem along with the Sabarmati. I think the prison walls stanza doesn't fit and also the final stanza is a"tell" stanza whereas it should be the one where the cloth and the river come together
I can't give you a specific rewrite but hopefully you get what I mean
Elphin
Yeah - I liked this too... It's difficult to crit a poem like this - especially difficult if one is from a different culture - although I guess the aspirations are universal (I would hope)...
One thing I would consider - as you have the intro to Mahatma Gandhi, I would maybe consider dropping the factual dates near the end...or rework that little bit...
Enjoyed the read...
One thing I would consider - as you have the intro to Mahatma Gandhi, I would maybe consider dropping the factual dates near the end...or rework that little bit...
Enjoyed the read...