Poetry Forum

Ok, I have edited this one. I have played with the structure and made it less wordy.
Thanks to Barrie for this one.

Version Two
alighting from the tube
moving towards the escalator
to the capacious concourse,
the area awash with the essence
of wet horse

are these escalators run
by an equine treadmill?
with horse power
feeding the conduits and grids?

perhaps the smell
emanates form subterranean stables
housing stalls of steaming horses…

...and if there are horses
then there'll be jockeys.
An army of tiny men
in satin and silk,
standing no more then 4ft 5,
with a nasal whine and a
high pitched Irish brogue,
harping on about
furlongs, photo-finishes,
guineas and the tote.



Version One
Alighting from the tube
I hopscotch past fellow commuters
heading for the escalator to the main concourse,
where the area is awash with a smell,
a smell that reminds me of wet horses,

I wander if the escalators are powered by a phalanx of horses,
running on a treadmill,
aside from powering the escalator, maybe they power a generator of sorts,
a generator that powers the kiosks with light and heat,

or maybe the smell comes from a thousand emergency violin bows that are stored under the escalator just in case there is an emergency,

a drought of violin bows?

or maybe below the station there is a
field where equine beast roam,

and if there are horses
then the jockey won't be far behind, an army of brightly dressed tiny men
in satin and silk,
standing no more then 4ft 5, with a nasally whine and a
high pitched Irish brogue, with talk of
fulongs, guineas and the tote

I like this John.... still reading it...will come back to it!

I like the equine theme....you into the gee gees? (sport of kings) If you are , you should visit my sports betting forum...great horse section there...I can PM you the url if you like..

Alighting from the tube
I hopscotch past fellow commuters (would bin the ¨I¨, hopscotching perhaps)
heading for the escalator to the main concourse,(a bit too much info)
where the area is awash with a smell, (too basic - don't do anything for the poem)
a smell that reminds me of wet horses,

I wander if the escalators are powered by a phalanx of horses, (wander|wonder - how about; escalators powered by a ....?)
running on a treadmill, (this is a bit redundant)
aside from powering the escalator, maybe they power a generator of sorts,
a generator that powers the kiosks with light and heat,(needs reworking)

or maybe the smell comes from a thousand emergency violin bows that are stored under the escalator just in case there is an emergency, (violin bows is interesting)

a drought of violin bows?

or maybe below the station there is a
field where equine beast roam,

and if there are horses
then the jockey won't be far behind, an army of brightly dressed tiny men
in satin and silk, (this is ok - but needs cutting back)
standing no more then 4ft 5, with a nasally whine and a (you have already said they are tiny men - don't think you need the height here)...
high pitched Irish brogue, with talk of
fulongs, guineas and the tote

John, I liked the imagery, and the theme is interesting too...

However, I feel there are loads of unecessary words here...the poem can be cut in half I think...

PS: Don't forget, I aint an experienced critter, or a good one - wait for others to comment...

it is probably to wordy.

I'll look at cutting it back.

John - I think you're right about it being too wordy, there's much that can be cut out here. I'm not too keen on the violin bows either.

Alighting from the tube,
I head for the escalator
to the main concourse,
an area awash with the smell,
of wet horses.

Are these escalators run
by an equine treadmill,
with excess horse power
trickling into the grid,
feeding the trains?

Maybe the smell
rises from underground stables
with stalls of steaming horses...

...and if there are horses
then there'll be jockeys.
An army of tiny men
in satin and silk,
standing no more then 4ft 5,
with a nasal whine and a
high pitched Irish brogue,
harping on about
furlongs, photo-finishes,
guineas, the tote,
and treadmills.

Sorry to re-write it, John, I'm sure my attempt can be much improved. There's a lot you can do with this, and I'm quite taken by the concept of underground horses powering things - I bet the Japanese have already done a cartoon about it.

It does need cutting back and polishing, but I think it'll be worth the effort.

Great idea.

Barrie

I like the imagination/ideas in this and look forward to reading the revision with the wordiness reined in a bit.

"I wander if the escalators are powered by a phalanx of horses, "
could become "Are these escalators powered by a phalanx of horses?"
(asking a question to invite the reader to think, rather than telling them)
The phrase "horse power" would sit nicely in the poem somewhere.

Binz

edit/PS: hadn't read Barrie's comments / rewrite when i wrote mine. He puts what I thought much better. I like what he made of it, but i'd also like to see what you make of it

John,

I agree that this is definitely worth preserving.

Barrie's re-write is a good example of how to pare it down.

IMHO "phalanx" needs to go - "horse batteries" is a possibility (they're the ones that drag around the cannons)

Keep at it
Geoff

btw which course were you heading to/coming from?

will be re-wrtiting soon.

twoleftfeet, I was getting off at Waterloo from the Northern Line (cathing it a Tooting Bec).

I was alighting so I could stroll along the embankment as I used to work next to the Oxo tower.

(wow, how dull!!)

It's very wordy IMO, a tad bit overpowering if i'm being brutally honest. I dont think every line John has to be so heavy with adjectives as it takes away the clarity in a poem sometimes.

I'm not a fan of the stanzas 2 and 3, i just think the constant self-questioning gives it too much of a delay in the poem and i would actually consider getting rid of one of those stanzas just to give it a bit more pace, instead of the slightly draining deliberation.

There's definitely a good theme developing here, and i like the setting and enviroment described but i just feel it's a bit of a blur at the moment. I just think there's more scope for improving the lines and establishing the key theme you want to address without the excess wordy-ness.

I do like the idea, but it just needs that extra bit of tightening.

dl04.

Well, I think the first version is better. It's a bugger, public opinion, isn't it? Still, I really like that first version. If I can be a bit familiar, here's what I would do with it. (I'm putting nothing in. That's just plain cheek. However, here's what I would take out. Then, if you like, you can put more stuff - your stuff - back in there yourself. I've also corrected a few typos. And a tiny bit of punctuation.)

Alighting from the tube,
heading for the escalator to the main concourse,
the area is awash with a smell,
a smell that reminds me of wet horses.

I wonder if the escalators are powered by a phalanx of horses,
running on a treadmill.
Aside from powering the escalator, maybe they power a generator of sorts,
a generator that powers the kiosks with light and heat,

or maybe below the station there is a
field where they roam,

and if there are horses
then the jockeys won't be far behind, an army of tiny brightly dressed men
in satin and silk,
standing no more than 4ft 5, with a nasal whine and a
high pitched Irish brogue, talking of
furlongs, guineas and the tote.

Now if I'd done that myself, I'd be quite proud of it. Especially the final stanza. And nary a violin bow to be seen (or smelled). I thought that was catgut, anyway?

Cheers

David

John

As the man said, you cant please all of the people all of the time!! Just to confuse you even more I think David's pared down first version is the better approach - your revised version has little of the soul of the first version.

I like others suggestions on horse batteries, horse power and to remove the phalanx, it can refer to a group of animals but the image it creates for me is infantry with cross shields.

Nice work

Elphin