Driving in the Windy Snow

[Lake]

Driving in the Windy Snow

Snowflakes swirl wild in the air
As wind across the fields blows
A car drives with no despair

The blizzard sweeps the ground bare
Salt sprinkled, a snow-plow groans
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air

If there’s something to compare
It’s London fog where fear grows
A car drives with no despair

For the song keeps me aware
With “Dreams of Flying” thoughts flow
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air

The girl asleep does not care
The weather drops ten below
A car drives with no despair

Sing along, “I am so tired”
Watery eyes, frozen toes
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air
A car drives with no despair

.

[Merlin]

ooh - a Villanelle will come back to this...

[arunansu]

The feel of the poem is enjoyable. But I feel you may do away with the repetition of 'A car drives with no despair' so many times. I guess that's just me. The images are vivid.
Cheers.

My take on this :

Snowflakes swirl wild in the air
As wind across the fields blows

The blizzard sweeps the ground bare

Salt sprinkled, a snow-plow groans
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air

If there’s something to compare
It’s London fog where fear grows
A car drives with no despair

For the song keeps me aware
With “Dreams of Flying” thoughts flow

The girl asleep does not care
The weather drops ten below

Sing along, “I am so tired”
Watery eyes, frozen toes
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air

[Merlin]

I know how these Villa's can be buggers...good effort though.....some nice lines and images...

However, as is common with writing villanelles, the refrain in this is problematic...

Its not easy to achieve, but I think the refrain should flow naturally...and the current refrain stands as 2 sentences...(am I making sense?)

Snowflakes swirl wild in the air
A car drives with no despair

Something like this...

As snowflakes swirl wild in the air
A car drives with no despair

I think you need to try and find a conjunction which suits the refrain.....otherwise it's making the poem disjointed...and just a quickie...this doesn't only apply to the refrain, coz it's knocking some of the other bits out as well...

for instance:

The girl asleep does not care
The weather drops ten below
A car drives with no despair

This is 3 seperate sentences - don't know what the technical word is (is it enjambment?) but there is no connection in the stanza...


Good effort though.....in all fairness...I like it...

[Lake]

Thanks, Merlin, for your time reading and commenting! Your points are well taken. The lines do sound disconnected, I'll see how I can fix it.

arunansu, thanks much. You "take" works well , and seems it solved the problem Merlin brought up.

[Elphin]

Lake

I see what you are getting at and working with the villanelle form is brave. I think the line A car drives with no despair is awkward and I'm not sure it actually means anything to say a car has no despair, its driver maybe. IMO I would change that line to something else - I think the end result would be better.

Hope you rework it.

Elphin

[Lake]

Hi Elphin,

Reading it again, I feel it is a failed attempt. I wonder if it is worth revising.

Lake

[Elphin]

Persevere but don't rush it. Its not a failure, you have the bones. IMO even if you never end up with something you are entirely happy with you will learn in the process and therefore improve for the next one.

Elphin

[Merlin]

Keep trying to improve it...

although know how you feel...

[David]

Lake

I see what you are getting at and working with the villanelle form is brave. I think the line A car drives with no despair is awkward and I'm not sure it actually means anything to say a car has no despair, its driver maybe. IMO I would change that line to something else - I think the end result would be better.

Hope you rework it.

Elphin

That's good advice, Lake, but don't just ditch this - it's worth keeping.

Cheers

David