Poetry Forum

He ingratiated himself, with talk of traditional flooring, of cornice
And capice, of cheap window washing. I was smitten.
I liked his tattoo of a pig, the way the tail curled around his
Shammy buffed arm, disappearing into throbbing veins.
The way he balanced the ladder on his shoulder, great math.
His vigilant whistle, “Hey Mrs, I’m climbing, I’m approaching”
Yeh, all that, and so cups of coffee and keys to the back gate.
2 cues go missing.
Throughout that summer, greasy sand blew in from some desert
Or other. Windows needed attending, he became an errant uncle,
Taught my son kick ups, replaced relevant washers, claimed a
Seat in the kitchen.
The striped balls and triangle disappeared.
Holiday time – we went oriental.
Left the keys with the God fearing neighbours, chose them
Over the music fearing neighbours – made sense.
Asked them to let the window cleaner in with the cat.
Feed them both accordingly.
On return, all Chinese eyed,
All gone – just 4 faded circles.
You may wonder why I didn’t mention the vanishment to the wife?
Well, we fell out, and I’m perverse, find it strange when knobs aren’t
Twisted, when spaces aren’t explored.
We had a party, opened the door to the “best room”
Just flooring, yards of bloody flooring, the lack of green,
Shiny-obscene, induced violated laughter.

I think this is quirky, funny and has a good tone to it. However, unless I'm seriously missing something, I don't understand why the lines are all clumped together - it doesn't seem to add anything, so I would go for verses and shorter lines. At the moment some lines are too 'wordy' and read like clipped prose e.g.

You may wonder why I didn’t mention the vanishment to the wife?
Well, we fell out, and I’m perverse, find it strange when knobs aren’t
Twisted, when spaces aren’t explored.

Also I'd remove the italics and have the lines

2 cues go missing.

The striped balls and triangle disappeared.

All gone – just 4 faded circles.

as stand alone.

Sarah

It is a rather humorous tale, but as has been said, it does seem to be too bunched together an seems more like a prose rather than a poem; maybe writing it like this

He ingratiated himself, with talk of traditional flooring, of cornice
And capice, of cheap window washing. I was smitten.

I liked his tattoo of a pig, the way the tail curled around his
Shammy buffed arm, disappearing into throbbing veins.
The way he balanced the ladder on his shoulder, great math.
His vigilant whistle, “Hey Mrs, I’m climbing, I’m approaching”
Yeh, all that, and so cups of coffee and keys to the back gate.

2 cues go missing.

Throughout that summer, greasy sand blew in from some desert
Or other. Windows needed attending, he became an errant uncle,
Taught my son kick ups, replaced relevant washers, claimed a
Seat in the kitchen.

The striped balls and triangle disappeared.

would change that some. Just a suggestion.

All in all its very interesting and amusing

mmmmmmmmmmm,

Not sure how I can justify the structure , other than to say stanzas wouldn't work for me within the context of the poem.

And personally I'm not fond of stand alone lines, seems a tacky way to point.

That said I appreciate your reading and comments.

cheers
Kris

Kris

A good fun piece. Asked them to let the window cleaner in with the cat. and the first four lines describing him are my favourites.

You are right its not a piece for stanzas. My only contribution is that I find the caps at the beginning of lines disrupted the flow of reading.

elphin

HI
nice touches of humour and some good images/phrases, such as 'shammy buffed arm' and 'let the window cleaner in with the cat. Feed them both accordingly. ' illustrates well the acceptance as part of the family. Plus “Hey Mrs, I’m climbing, I’m approaching” not just a physical ladder, but also into the lives of the household.

things that niggled me:
Would a pig's tail be long enough to curl around an arm?
It start's off (the way i read it) written from a female perspective then flips to a male perspective - am I missing something obvious here? (wouldn't be the 1st time)

B

I see us old-timers who saw this before, and liked it before, haven't responded to it this time.

Well, I still like it.

Cheers

David

Gidday

I like the rhythm and humour of this. If feels like it should be rapped.

I glanced at this last week, didn't have time to look properly. My first impression is that I really enjoy it. I will print it off and take it away this time.. i am meant to be at work, so cannot write more now

jac/Mary/dog

As previously said by others, this is very good. An original, humourous tale told in an apt, highly engaging manner.

In response to what others have suggested, I also think that this piece works better without stanzas. It's a tale, it flows - stanzas would break this up. I didn't find the structure a problem at all in reading. As someone else mentioned, however, I did wonder why every line began capitalised. It broke up the natural rhythm and flow for me.

My feelings -

'Feed them both accordingly.' This would have worked better with an 'and' in front of it to me - making it more natural in flow. Might just be me, but it very much connects with the previous line and seems to be snappily put - breaking the flow of the tale.

'On return, all Chinese eyed,
All gone – just 4 faded circles.'
I'm not sure about the repetition of 'all' here. It jarred to me. I'd consider deleting the 'all' from the first sentence.

The ending line seemed a little bit of a letdown to me in content. A little flat compared to the rest of the poem which is great quality and hilarious. But I may be missing something.... so

But yeah, overall great poem. I loved it. The title, the humour, the originality, some of the imagery but particularly the engaging style you have written it in and the way you have carefully knitted it all together so perfectly. Great read

Thanks all for your feedback on this here poem.

Difficulties duly noted, some good suggestions, I'll wingle-wangle some changes.

thanks again.

Kris

I like the way your mind works! This is super cool! Hope you don't change too much. Enjoyed the read

At last, as promised-i really enjoyed this. It was terrific fun. I wouldn't change the layout. My favourite bit was the keys line. The voice was good and liked the echo of lament in 'lack of green'

envioushound