Poetry Forum

She'd gotten me to write again, lace lips
Half silenced still with golden embroidery, and this
Time no word or outpouring of emotion will be
"Enough". The silent blackness, it all
Just goes
And goes. Beyond the see through
Doors and swing sets full of growling
Dogs; he said he liked her smile, so she drowned it in a paper cup.
Head stuffed into an old, eclectic stove, fried
Eggs and idols, nothing more. "I thought of you,"
She said as the smoke started to swirl, and the walls moved onwards,
Sat next to the blank stare, blank stage, whispered
Life into the nothingness, rainbows into the
Bleak.
He said he loved her as she smothered herself in his soul
And made the words come again,
Black lace and oil slates. Blank stares…
But don't words always come too late?

There's a lot of good stuff here -

.........lace lips
Half silenced still with golden embroidery,

he said he liked her smile, so she drowned it in a paper cup

Head stuffed into an old, eclectic stove, fried
Eggs and idols - I'm inrigued by the image of an old, eclectic stove - I'm trying to imagine what it would look like.

I'm non too keen on upper case beginning each line, it spoils the flow, especially -

no word or outpouring of emotion will be
"Enough". The silent blackness, it all
Just goes
And goes. Beyond the see through
Doors and swing sets full of growling
Dogs;

All your originality is spoiled by your choice of old phrases -

outpouring of emotion

silent blackness

into the nothingness

Blank stare sits OK next to blank stage, but you repeat it again in the penultimate line.

You've left an adjective hanging here -

rainbows into the
Bleak. - I know bleakness doesn't have the same effect, so maybe you could get away with using 'bleak' as a noun - It wouldn't be the first time something similar's been done. I think Shelley's guilty of this sort of thing, among others.

You need to replace the old phrases with your own and lose the capitals that start each line. That said, I liked the poem and the last line is very true.

nice one

Barrie

Welcome tinfoil

All I want to do is second each point barrie has made.

A very good first post and I look forward to more

elphin

thank you for the advise, most of the capitalizing is because Microsoft word automatically does it, but I do see what you mean about old phrases and capitalizations. I will keep your advise in mind

I agree with what everyone has said. A very conservative love poem IMO( who needs all the melodrama?) Some points though:

There are some lines that are a tad flat and lack orginality. For example:

Life into the nothingness, rainbows into the
Bleak- A bit of a dramatic statement IMO that takes away from the other methodical and clever lines in the poem. Just try and distant yourself from these maudlin lines, they just fall a bit too short.

Apart from the odd line though, really good lines come thick and fast:

And made the words come again,
Black lace and oil slates- Lovely internal rhyme implemented here. All through this poem there's some great linking lines and i'm really impressed how you've turned the mundane into something quite profound.

I really like this, it's definitely an impressive 'debut'. Look forward to more

dl04.

Yep, some good stuff here. Sorry, don't feel impelled to enter into too much detail about it, especially as Barrie's done a pretty good job of that already, but if you're happy with a general thumbs-up, here it is.

Cheers

David

Agreed, especially about the capitalised starts to the lines. I too, have recently seen the light on that one.
One other thing - in my view, more clearly defined stanzas would help. Also, I think some lines should end sooner
e.g.

She'd gotten me to write again,
lace lips
half silenced still with golden embroidery, and
this time no word or outpouring of emotion will be
"Enough".
The silent blackness, it all
Just goes
And goes.


instead of

She'd gotten me to write again, lace lips
Half silenced still with golden embroidery, and this
Time no word or outpouring of emotion will be
"Enough". The silent blackness, it all
Just goes
And goes. Beyond the see through

...or something like that.

A mysterious read, though. I liked it.

Sarah

I don't have anything to add what I was thinking has already been said, but I will say that I really enjoyed the way you worked this piece. I will dwell on this one a bit longer as I enjoyed it so ...

walrus

The capitalisation seems to be a major topic on this one.

BTW - not into lurv poems but with this one, I don't seem to have thrown up yet, so it must be pretty good.

Does anyone know how to turn off the automatic capitalisation in Word? It annoy the heck out of me, too. OK, I found it!

tools
autocorrect options
capitalize first letter of sentences (uncheck the box)

oh, thanks, had no clue how to turn that off

I enjoyed the read. After all that the others have said, I have nothing more to add.
Cheers.