Page 1 of 1
Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:55 pm
by arunansu
Daylight is sprinkling upon
an infantry of trunks
dressed in ebony.
My unfinished sonnet is in disarray,
its colors got drained
weaving dreams for you.
I rummage around
every nook and corner of me,
but verses have evanesced,
left behind
imprint of lips on a mirror.
I observe the branches in full bud.
An army of ants
ascend a withered bark
carrying bits and pieces of life,
some shiny webs are
in anticipation.
At times I feel
the breeze may bring me
back to my verses
and flowery perfume
of your shampoo.
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:29 pm
by dl04
I kinda like this. It's very flowery with some nice imagery. The structure's a bit erratic for me, as it tends to go from 3 line stanzas to just a solitary line which puzzles me a little. maybe also some of it is a little bit too wordy, but overall some nice descriptions.
its colors got drained
weaving dreams for you- It's corny and cliched but i like this line
Overall it's a very nice read. Gentle and uplifting( at least for me anyway).
Good stuff
dl04.
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:13 pm
by David
Aru, I'm going to be hard on you now, because you're up to it.
Daylight is sprinkling upon
an infantry of trunks
dressed in ebony - lovely image, but I think you're using sprinkling as an intransitive verb, and I don't think you can. How about splashing? (Trouble with that is it tends to suggest swimming trunks in the next line, which can't be good.)
Similarly, I don't think you can use evanesced in that way. People use evanescence, yes, of course, but I've never seen evanesced.
left behind
imprint of lips on a mirror - gimme an article. Definite, indefinite, I don't care.
some shiny webs are
in anticipation - nope, I don't think so. That's just not English.
But but but ... I like your poem. Did I say that already? Well I do.
Cheers
David
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:20 pm
by TDF
David wrote: That's just not English.
But but but ... I like your poem. Did I say that already? Well I do.
Cheers
David
But just to throw mixed opinion in here, aru, I like the use of words outside of how they are 'meant' to be used. And I love making up words, so intransitive sprinklings and evanesced rolls well with me. That said, I got demoted to beginners lol, so take my tastes with a pinch of salt.
Tom
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:31 pm
by David
Intransitive sprinklings ... why am I thinking of doughnuts? And evanesced rolls as well. Mmm, snacks.
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 9:07 pm
by walrus
I think this is terrific! You have a style that is very much your own, and I'm so glad I picked this to be my first poem to read as I am brand spanking new to the forum. Sorry to disappoint, but I have nothing constructive to offer in the way of criticism I wouldn't change a thing.
walrus
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:22 am
by kirgd
Perhaps the main idea in the poem is that the unfinished
sonnet was in disarray.
If so, the "shiny webs...in anticipation" might become a
metaphor for the author's mind gathering ideas off a
"breeze" including the "flowery perfume.." so that writing
may recommence.
Thereby, the author might leave the reader with a
construct for thoughts of the work, love and nature.
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:58 am
by kozmikdave
Gidday Anu
I'm a bit of a fan of your writing, for the most part. This one has some of the qualities I admire but isn't as well nailed down as usual.
I didn't quite agree with David's crit of "sprinkling" or of "evanesced" (
http://www.answers.com/evanesce&r=67) as they work perfectly well for me, despite my lack of formal grammar training. Sorry David.
I did find some of the expressions bordering on cliche... E.g.
weaving dreams
and there are a few spots that don't work for me grammatically. E.g.
some shiny webs are
in anticipation.
Give it a little more work and wath those buds start flowering.
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:45 pm
by ElleW
Daylight is sprinkling upon
an infantry of trunks
dressed in ebony.
I like this personification of the trees
My unfinished sonnet is in disarray,
its colors got drained
weaving dreams for you.
I enjoyed this defense of the unfinished sonnet. The studied rhyme and meter of a sonnet give way to the riot of flowers and the feelings of the narrator.
I rummage around
every nook and corner of me,
but verses have evanesced,
left behind
imprint of lips on a mirror.
I'd almost like to see these two stanzas combined and kept entirely in the present tense (verses evanesce,//leave behind....)
I observe the branches in full bud.
An army of ants
ascend a withered bark
carrying bits and pieces of life,
some shiny webs are
in anticipation.
There seems to be a verb missing in this stanza
At times I feel
the breeze may bring me
back to my verses
and flowery perfume
of your shampoo.
Consider "the flowery perfume" to create a better parallel to "my verses"
Interesting poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Best,
ElleW (brand new member)
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 4:59 pm
by ccvulture
arunansu wrote:Daylight is sprinkling upon
an infantry of trunks
dressed in ebony.
>> I think "sprinkling" is ok as intransitive. I do it all the time when I go to the toilet.
My unfinished sonnet is in disarray,
>> If you want to be ultra-conceited on this line, it must be put into pentameter, eg "My sonnet is in disarray, undone".
its colors got drained
weaving dreams for you.
>> Yes, good excuse
I rummage around
every nook and corner of me,
but verses have evanesced,
>> "Evanesced" is too purple here, it's been used for show not meaning. In any case, it means "to grow smaller, tending to nothing", so why not use "vanished" here, which is a more honest word in-context?
left behind
imprint of lips on a mirror.
I observe the branches in full bud.
An army of ants
ascend a withered bark
carrying bits and pieces of life,
>> I would prefer "ascends" as I see "army" as a singular.
some shiny webs are
in anticipation.
>> I think this works. It begs the question "... of what?" which is a nice poser. I think the construction suggests a paradigmatic definition of a web. Also like the double-meaning in this, the Age of the Internet.
At times I feel
the breeze may bring me
back to my verses
and flowery perfume
of your shampoo.
I don't like "flowery" - I mean, all shampoo ultimately smells the same, and none of it smells of sh*t, so either find a more interesting description, or bring it back to "perfume // of your shampoo.".
Cheers, I really enjoyed reading this.
Stuart
Re: Fresh buds
Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 9:19 am
by arunansu
Thanks for the reviews, all of you. I value each input. Earlier I was quite scared of posting in this website, as I know my writing is quite immature. I am having problems with these 'intransitive' verbs lately.However, i wish i would be better placed in the future with all your support.
Cheers.