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Worshipping Demons
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:51 pm
by ElleW
Worshipping Demons
It changes you forever seeing something like that. Bodies.
Water nudging them as though sorry now and wanting gently
to wake them. But dead is dead. Sometimes alive is dead.
Look at the hound, howling for his master, hiding from moon’s
cold gaze, sun’s cruel stare. Wearing years of mud, the dazed
living turn to leveeless seas like lemmings; oh, not to drown –
there’s been enough of that for now – but to leave tributes
to all the old deities. …opraywenowforforgivenessandrespite…
To offer abasement and primal worship to the orange sky,
the green waves that curl like fingers waiting. …ohalligoyaiya…
…nomyohoringaykyo…ohalligoyaiyamaya…opraywenowopraywe…
For modern gods are as petulant and corrupt as ancient demons:
opportunity means someone new will take your money for a time;
equality means everyone will feel the sole of some boot; happiness
means forgetting everything the water gave and all it took away.
in morning’s silvery eye
sweep away death’s grasp
dream of tomorrow and pray
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:09 pm
by David
All right. In fact, very good. You're clearly not a beginner, are you, Elle? That is not praise - although this deserves praise - just a statement of fact.
I think you're someone who is rather good - and knows it - and is just looking for some fresh reactions. Well there's my fresh reaction - very good!
I'm sure there'll be more.
Cheers
David
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:44 pm
by ElleW
Hi David,
You wrote:
I think you're someone who is rather good - and knows it - and is just looking for some fresh reactions.
Actually, I'm just looking for a comfortable home for my poetry. I sometimes share with a very serious "academic" poetry group and then there's a group of ladies who write about flowers and cats where I sometimes post. I'm not academic enough for the former and I'm too academic for the latter. I've been writing for just about 4 years and I take poetry very seriously. Myself, not so much.
Best,
L
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 11:13 pm
by camus
All hail the lost academic!
Welcome Ellew.
Hopefully you'll be posting in "experienced" to be honest the line is a narrow one.
I post in both, in here (usually as the stranger) because I'm not really "experienced" - "experienced" because I am experienced on this board.
This poem seems an accomplished start, yet I've often seen accomplished starts wither to nowt.
Hopefully you'll stick around.
cheers
Kris
PS sorry for the lack of crit, I'll try harder next poem.
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:25 am
by arunansu
Enjoyed the piece.The feel is simply great.I agree with others, this should feature in the Experienced section.
Cheers.
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:36 am
by Elphin
Welcome aboard Elle.
At one level I found this very good. Its about Katrina and New Orleans I presume. Water nudging them as though sorry now and wanting gently /to wake them. is my favourite line. Very evocative of the eerie silence in the aftermath.
I like too your running together of the worship lines. It gets over to the reader the way these phrases are said by rote and not necessarily meant.
I wonder if you should have ended on For modern gods are as petulant and corrupt as ancient demons. After that I found the next three lines cynical (which is fine) but not original and the last three lines were syrupy.
I apologise if I have been more forthright in the last part of my crit than I would normally be in Beginners but you are not a beginner and clearly you are looking for genuine reaction which is good.
I look forward to reading more.
Elphin
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:04 pm
by David
ElleW wrote:Hi David,
You wrote:
I think you're someone who is rather good - and knows it - and is just looking for some fresh reactions.
Actually, I'm just looking for a comfortable home for my poetry.
Well, I hope you find it here. I think you have a lot to offer. Even flowers and cats sometimes, if the spirit takes you. Stick around. Kick off your shoes. Have fun.
Cheers
David
P.S. I wouldn't bother posting in Beginners any more, if I were you. I think you've demonstrated you're way beyond that. Let's have no false modesty!
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:19 pm
by ElleW
Thanks very much to all who commented on this poem. I will gladly accept the consensus and post in the "experienced" forum hereafter. I read a couple of comments on the PGW site that it would be best to start on the beginner board, so I did that. Meanwhile, I appreciate the comments, the suggestions and the welcome I've received here so far and will try to respond in kind to your poems.
Best,
Elle
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:00 pm
by Brotherfergus
"Water nudging them as though sorry now and wanting gently to wake them."
This is incredible, sent a shiver down my spine. Hard to express its appeal but it seemed to almost reanimate an image in my mind that had lay dormant for sometime.
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:17 pm
by ccvulture
Welcome L
Ok, coming from a verbal diarrhoea sufferer like me, this may sound hypocritical, but there are one or two points in this piece where I think you need to go back and edit out some of the stream-of-consciousness into something more logical. I see from your intro post that you describe your work as prose-poetry, but really it is poetry that needs more structure. See inserts below.
It's very deep and impressive, for all that I said above. I'm very jealous of your understanding of water. I used to work in the industry and I never grasped its poetry like you do. I agree with one comment that the last four lines of "prose" don't fit in with the rest - they seem to be an invasion of "your" (?) manifesto rather than any observation genuinely-drawn from the preceding bit. Also, why the 3-line verse at the end. It just doesn't work as it stands. As a coda to a poem, perhaps.
Cheers
Stuart
ElleW wrote:Worshipping Demons
It changes you forever seeing something like that. Bodies. [A bit clipped for the ending of the line, I think.]
Water nudging them as though sorry now and wanting gently
to wake them. But dead is dead. Sometimes alive is dead. [Last sentence is outside the poem's reach.]
Look at the hound, howling for his master, hiding from moon’s
cold gaze, sun’s cruel stare. Wearing years of mud, the dazed
living turn to leveeless seas like lemmings; oh, not to drown – [So, if not to drown, why drop lemmings into the imagery?]
there’s been enough of that for now – but to leave tributes
to all the old deities. …opraywenowforforgivenessandrespite…
To offer abasement and primal worship to the orange sky,
the green waves that curl like fingers waiting. …ohalligoyaiya…
…nomyohoringaykyo…ohalligoyaiyamaya…opraywenowopraywe… [I don't know the lingo you've used here, it's very musical though. I like it.]
For modern gods are as petulant and corrupt as ancient demons:
opportunity means someone new will take your money for a time;
equality means everyone will feel the sole of some boot; happiness
means forgetting everything the water gave and all it took away.
in morning’s silvery eye
sweep away death’s grasp
dream of tomorrow and pray
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:16 pm
by ladyteazle
There is a lot of beautiful imagery here - I wish I could write like this. But there is a lack of form. This may be an unpopular comment, but I do think that poetry has thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Where is the meter and shape of the poem? It does feel rather like stream-of-consciousness prose at times. I liked the last three lines before the coda though. The repetition gave it some structure.
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:05 pm
by ccvulture
I looked up haibun so now I have *some* understanding of the form. In which case everything you've written, L, is valid in this piece. I still don't think it's been edited properly though.
You'll have to excuse me for my distaste of all things haiku, senryu, etc etc.
Regards
Stuart
Re: Worshipping Demons
Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:30 pm
by ElleW
Hi brotherfergus, ladyteazle and Stuart,
Thanks for reading and commenting on this poem. I've come only very slowly toward any understanding whatsoever of "prose poems" and wish I could grasp exactly when prose rises to the level of a prose poem. One of my pet peeves is when I read (or write) a poem that just seems like straight prose broken into lines and stanzas. For me this is a rather experimental poem and I appreciate everyone's input on it. Be sure that I will keep your comments and reflect on them.
Best,
Elle