Dead Songbird

[oddball]

Take Three:
It's quiet around you,
air forbiddingly opulent.
You sit there, draped,
mummified in a corner.

Is this why you're here?
To have your silk veil adorned
by a gaggle of framed faces?

You could be singing,
your voice capable of transcending
the most ornate of Bach.

Yet you sit there, mute.
So I leave you, resolved
to be more than merely decorative.

Take Two:
It's quiet around you,
air forbiddingly opulent.
You sit there, draped,
mummified in a corner.

Is this why you're here?
To have your silk veil adorned
by a gaggle of framed faces?

You could be singing.
Your voice capable
to transcend
the most ornate of Bach.

Yet you sit there, mute.

So I leave you, determined
to be more than a piece of furniture.

Take One:
It's forbiddingly quiet around you,
air heavy with opulence.
You sit there, draped,
mummified in a corner.

Is this why you're here?
To have your silk veil
adorned by a gaggle
of framed faces?

You could be singing,
your voice proficient to tackle
the most ornate of Bach
or the Etudes of Liszt.

But there you are, mute.

And so I leave you, resolved
not to be just a pretty furniture.

[barrie]

A couple of things ob -

You could be singing,
your voice proficient to tackle
the most ornate of Bach
or the Etudes of Liszt. - Although I know what you're getting at, I don't think many songbirds are proficient enough to chirp their way through a few fugues.
Maybe,

You could be singing,
a voice proficient enough to transcend
the most ornate of Bach....

not to be just a pretty furniture. - A furniture? - You need to say an item or a piece of furnture. Perhaps you could say something like -

(And) so I leave you, resolved
not to be just plainly (merely) decorative. - (to be more than merely decorative)

nice one

Barrie

[oddball]

A couple of things ob -

You could be singing,
your voice proficient to tackle
the most ornate of Bach
or the Etudes of Liszt. - Although I know what you're getting at, I don't think many songbirds are proficient enough to chirp their way through a few fugues.

Heh. Good point. I might lose the Liszt reference as well. Been thinking it might be a bit of an overkill.

(And) so I leave you, resolved
not to be just plainly (merely) decorative. - (to be more than merely decorative)

nice one

Barrie

Your alternative actually reads better, I think. I'll steal it if you don't mind.

Thank you, Barrie.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

The changes could now be put in with a click of the edit button. Following reading it will then get the updated poem to react to.

I'm assuming the songbird was well and truly stuffed.

Good read

[Elphin]

good piece ob - atmospheric and strong ending

Barrie has given you some pointers, here are a couple of other thoughts for you to consider

Do you need forbiddingly - I think a sparsity of words in the first couple of lines would add to the feeling of silence you want to evoke. Also forbiddingly quiet is bordering on cliche. just quiet would do.

Stanza 2 - im not sure your line break is quite right for the rhythm of the read. What do you think about

Is this why you're here?
To have your silk veil adorned
by a gaggle of framed faces?

I like use of gaggle - a "birdy" word.

Just some thoughts - good one.

Elphin

[walrus]

Personally, I like the wee extravagance of "forbiddingly" but that's me. I guess I'm in a disagreeing mood today I like your original ending ...

And so I leave you, resolved
not to be just a pretty furniture.

but you would need to lose the "a" or add "piece of" or state a particular piece of furniture as someone already stated. "Merely decorative" is good but it has been done so many times before.

Overall, I enjoyed your this poem very much

walrus

[oddball]

Rewrite is up. The bird is stuffed, and roasted. Erm...bon appétit?

Many thanks to kozmikdave, Elphin, and Walrus for their input. Much appreciated, guys.

[Elphin]

A couple of thoughts on the edit - resolved was better word than determined and I think more than merely decorative has a better sound to it than furniture.

Also you could tighten it visually by making each verse three lines - see below as an idea

It's quiet around you,
air forbiddingly opulent.
You sit, draped, in a corner.

Is this why you're here,
to have your silk veil adorned
by a gaggle of framed faces?

You could be singing,
your voice capable of transcending
the most ornate of Bach.

Yet you sit there, mute.
So I leave you, resolved
to be more than merely decorative.

I don't like to rewrite someone elses work but was easier that trying to explain.

Elphin

[walrus]

I would agree resolved was better then determined as for the rest
nicely roasted & stuffed to me!

Cool poem, I like it!

walrus

[oddball]

Also you could tighten it visually by making each verse three lines - see below as an idea

Elphin

Thank you for making me aware of this. I've yet to pay attention to the visual presentation of a piece, to be honest. A valuable lesson, for sure. Much obliged, Elphin.

I'm keeping the 'mummy', if you don't mind, my not-so-secret ingredient.

I would agree resolved was better then determined as for the rest
nicely roasted & stuffed to me!

Cool poem, I like it!

walrus

Sorry about the furniture, walrus, but I think they're right. 'Merely decorative' does sound better. Gravy?

Third take served.

[walrus]

Hey it's your poem, be true to thyself I say ...gravy...

walrus

[Elphin]

ob

I don't mind at all - I kind of dropped it arbitrarily to illustrate the three line structure. Its better you keep it.

Good work - hope to see some more

Elphin

[lars3939]

Free your poem from its cliche title, its a big weight for the words to carry

[oddball]

Free your poem from its cliche title, its a big weight for the words to carry

Aw, after all that banter with the stuffing and such? What about dinner?

Thank you for reading, lars. I appreciate it.