You bake,
Toasted and Smouldering,
like a lovers passion imploding.
But what have you left?
Heart shaped scald marks
that brand you with the past.
Oh, how you regret
the idiocity of it all.
Heart chambers closing like blood stained petals,
refusing to let you go.
The past has left its scent
for other beings to sniff out and disregard.
A twitch of a whisker,
The bat of a paw,
and you're left wondering what was it all for?
Baking
Very nice poem. The only advice I have, is use an image instead of a statement for the last line. I have trouble with this myself, but the poem will be more powerful if you leave more room for interpretation for the reader. You convey the experience, and you leave the reader to wonder to themself "what was it all for?" It's easier for the reader to relate it to their lives and experiences if they can interpret it on their own.
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
A more apt title for this would be "On Heat" - it is the cat, right?
I liked the extended metaphor in this piece, py0sra, but thought it still needed a little work. Here are some suggestions:
You bake, [Not sure if the first line is necessary. Conflicts with "Toasted", methinks.]
Toasted and Smouldering, [Any need for the caps here?]
like a lovers passion imploding. [I'd scrap "like". Also "lover's".]
But what have you left?
Heart shaped scald marks }
that brand you with the past. } [nice lines.]
Oh, how you regret
the idiocity of it all.
Heart chambers closing like blood stained petals, ["closing" could be "clenching" - stronger image]
refusing to let you go. [you could ditch the "you" here.]
[A line break here would alert the reader to the switch. Up until now it could be human.]
The past has left its scent
for other beings to sniff out and disregard.
A twitch of a whisker,
The bat of a paw,
and you're left wondering what was it all for? [I didn't mind the last line.]
Good read - fresh idea
A more apt title for this would be "On Heat" - it is the cat, right?
I liked the extended metaphor in this piece, py0sra, but thought it still needed a little work. Here are some suggestions:
You bake, [Not sure if the first line is necessary. Conflicts with "Toasted", methinks.]
Toasted and Smouldering, [Any need for the caps here?]
like a lovers passion imploding. [I'd scrap "like". Also "lover's".]
But what have you left?
Heart shaped scald marks }
that brand you with the past. } [nice lines.]
Oh, how you regret
the idiocity of it all.
Heart chambers closing like blood stained petals, ["closing" could be "clenching" - stronger image]
refusing to let you go. [you could ditch the "you" here.]
[A line break here would alert the reader to the switch. Up until now it could be human.]
The past has left its scent
for other beings to sniff out and disregard.
A twitch of a whisker,
The bat of a paw,
and you're left wondering what was it all for? [I didn't mind the last line.]
Good read - fresh idea
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
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walrus
I really like your style! kozmikdave mentioned what I was going to suggest. I think "Baking" is a neat title although "in heat" is good too?! Last line needs more punch. 
walrus
walrus