Original
Just replace me
cut me out, your chest,
my empty lies
will make you cry,
like no other.
Fare weather friend
we paid the toll
the angelus rang
and then the wake
good night...night
Change Mrk1
Just replace me
cut me out,
coagulate healthily
devote a fleeting memory
Fare weather friend
we paid the toll
the angelus rang
and then the wake
good night...night
Orange Rhymes
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Cryptic Cadence
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 129
- Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
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- Location: Australia
Are you sure about 'fare' ?Just replace me
cut me out, your chest,
my empty lies
will make you cry,
like no other.
Fare weather friend
we paid the toll
the angelus rang
and then the wake
good night...night
Don't want to be rude, but such poems are quite common nowadays. 'Lies', 'cry', 'cut me' - starts to sound a cliche when they are used a few lines apart. I quite like the second paragraph though.
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walrus
The thing about "fare weather friend" is in three words so much is accompliched but it feels like taking the cliche way out. Would love to see you put a different spin on it. Tis, a mighty wee piece as is but I could see it being a bit more. Enjoyed the read 
walrus
walrus
rude is fine, its the internet. its not like I will hunt you down, wait and then punch you...is it?Cryptic Cadence wrote:Are you sure about 'fare' ?Just replace me
cut me out, your chest,
my empty lies
will make you cry,
like no other.
Fare weather friend
we paid the toll
the angelus rang
and then the wake
good night...night
Don't want to be rude, but such poems are quite common nowadays. 'Lies', 'cry', 'cut me' - starts to sound a cliche when they are used a few lines apart. I quite like the second paragraph though.
PS I just meant to say that I appreciate your opinion...and was ok with it, however it was expressed as it was valid, in other words no need for a caveat
Last edited by lars3939 on Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Cryptic Cadence
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 129
- Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Australia
No, rude is not fine. I just said, I don't want to sound rude, but just to point out a few things that perhaps you might want to consider for future poems, so it won't sound cliche.
Cheers
Cheers
A little cliche at times for me. For example:
Fare weather friend
devote a fleeting memory
These lines weigh the poem down a bit. Doesnt give it the zest that the other lines do and the title suggests
It was quite a pleasant read though, i definitely think there's a very vibrant theme poking its way through here.
Keep it up
Fare weather friend
devote a fleeting memory
These lines weigh the poem down a bit. Doesnt give it the zest that the other lines do and the title suggests
It was quite a pleasant read though, i definitely think there's a very vibrant theme poking its way through here.
Keep it up
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
Ohhhh you didn't, did you? Ohhhhh you did. Thanks for the puntastic postage, painfully piquantdl04 wrote:A little cliche at times for me. For example:
Fare weather friend
devote a fleeting memory
These lines weigh the poem down a bit. Doesnt give it the zest that the other lines do and the title suggests
It was quite a pleasant read though, i definitely think there's a very vibrant theme poking its way through here.
Keep it up
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
I am not keen on Mrk1. It doesn't read as well as the original.
coagulate healthily
devote a fleeting memory
These lines are a little stodgy and lose rhythm.
coagulate healthily - doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. Your use of "fare" weather friend suggests overeating and thus the inevitable stroke or heart attack, and "healthily" is clumsy anyway.
But I like the idea and it is not far off...
I am not keen on Mrk1. It doesn't read as well as the original.
coagulate healthily
devote a fleeting memory
These lines are a little stodgy and lose rhythm.
coagulate healthily - doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. Your use of "fare" weather friend suggests overeating and thus the inevitable stroke or heart attack, and "healthily" is clumsy anyway.
But I like the idea and it is not far off...
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
I have half formed ideas, to be honest some of the "ideas" came to me in a taxi ride so I quickly put it out there to see and to feel how it will go. thank you allkozmikdave wrote:Gidday
I am not keen on Mrk1. It doesn't read as well as the original.
coagulate healthily
devote a fleeting memory
These lines are a little stodgy and lose rhythm.
coagulate healthily - doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. Your use of "fare" weather friend suggests overeating and thus the inevitable stroke or heart attack, and "healthily" is clumsy anyway.
But I like the idea and it is not far off...
It was my intent, need more development in that sense I agree but fare is my intended spelling...DavyRam wrote:Umm... edit in a fuller crit later, but for now - it's fair weather friend, unless you're deliberately using it with a different meaning.