Poetry Forum

Taking Shapes
If only I could change the world,
I’d make it square for a start.
Design the trees with oblong leaves
and flowers in the shape of a heart.
The sun would be a diamond and
the moon a cupid’s bow, shooting
stars at the chevron hills and the
zigzag lakes below.
Pyramids of mountains too, would
add to this angled place, whilst the
sea could be striped or even checked,
filling in any empty space.
Nothing would be circular on this
newly chiselled ground.
But I’ve no plans to ring the changes,
while love makes the world go round.

Welcome to the forum, juggles - can I call you jug?

Just take a little time to read the rules about posting. You're asked to review at least two other poems before posting any of your own. If you don't offer any opinions on the work of others then you probably won't get many coming your way - give and take.

Lets see some crits.

cheers

Barrie

Oh I see, I didn't read the rules I prefer juggs

Welcome aboard Juggles,

Although David speaks truth, I will add that I actually quite like this. It's quite a change from what is generally posted
here. It's nice to see a different style. So get criting!

TDF

Indeed, crit or...bit, I dunno.

That said, I enjoyed this.

See - Harry Nilsson - The Point

cheers
Kris

Hey, juggles. I've only just been made aware of the visual presentation of a piece myself so one thing I can suggest is maybe ditch the double spacing? I enjoyed the content, though. Nice sentiment.

juggs

You need to get those crits done. It will encourage others to interact with you.

I see you have done a couple in Prose section to match your post there. Doing crits will help you develop too.

Based on this piece you will do well here so go on jump in with the crits

elphin

I have single spaced it as suggested.
As a new 'poet' I really don't feel qualified to critique someone elses work, I may give the wrong advice. I'm not clever enough.
I mainly write comedy/drama and sitcoms. I have only recently started to write a novel which is also a new thing for me. Maybe I'm on the wrong board?

juggles wrote:As a new 'poet' I really don't feel qualified to critique someone elses work, I may give the wrong advice. I'm not clever enough.

- All you have to do is give an honest opinion - why you like a poem, (or don't like it), suggestions for improvements, etc. All anyone can give is their opinion - it's not about being right or wrong, it's about personal preferences, and your view will help the writer to build up a wider picture. If we all just posted our own stuff and no-one bothered giving any opinions, there wouldn't be much point to the forum. We're all here to learn, not just how to improve our poetry but also how to help others improve their writing too - and that means expressing our opinions.
Give it a try - it's easy after the first 'kill' (just joking).

Barrie

I'm new to this juggles and beleive me when I start to crit Ifelt way out of my depth, after all having zero experience I just felt I was in no position to offer any opinions let alone advice.

I agree with Barrie, just start with what you like about it, do you like the subject?, the words used?, don't fret about using all poetic terminology etc, just say what you feel.

No ones going to bite your head off, after all we’re all here to learn.

I think I'll stick with the prose thread.

juggs

It would be great if you stuck around here too - this was a very simple piece but also effective with consistent imagery, good rhythm and rhyme and a clear message.

There you go - thats how simple a crit can be.

I hope you post some more

elphin

Hello Juggles
I'm new too and just like you I dont feel that qualified to be commenting on others poems. I fear my points are rather basic.
But I love poetry and I'm going to stick around because I want to learn.
Fancy keeping me company?
As for your poem, well I really enjoyed it. It was a refreshing change to others I've read.
Beautiful imagery that would work well for all ages.
Although I think the image of hearts for flowers works very well in isolation, in the context of the poem I'm a little unsure as hearts to me are curved and soft, despite having a sharp point. Wverything else seems very straight and angular.
Hope you stick around as I'd like to read more of your poems if you have any
Richard

Hi Juggles

Something's askew with the scansion - the meter seems fine but it's broken into incorrect lines. Is that deliberate?

Also, I found the "twist" at the final couplet a little too abrupt for my taste. Just so you get MHO!

Cheers
Stuart

juggles wrote:Taking Shapes
If only I could change the world,
I’d make it square for a start.
Design the trees with oblong leaves
and flowers in the shape of a heart.
The sun would be a diamond and
the moon a cupid’s bow, shooting
stars at the chevron hills and the
zigzag lakes below.
Pyramids of mountains too, would
add to this angled place, whilst the
sea could be striped or even checked,
filling in any empty space.
Nothing would be circular on this
newly chiselled ground.
But I’ve no plans to ring the changes,
while love makes the world go round.