Caught in a step
of mishapen wood,
and aching metals
that send me to the floor.
All the intangibles cannot describe it
the freefall of emotion
of hurtling body
on a void of awaiting concrete.
Then the clouds soften
and i'm back on stable feet
still fearing the downfall
before i've even climbed my ladder.
Down the Ladder
dl04,
On first reading, I thought this was a very simple poem. However, your choice of language interested me and made me re-read it a few more times. I went throught phases of liking it then not, then liking again. It is on the surface a very obvious poem - the last stanza explaining everything that came before in very unambiguous detail. Which I thought was a bit weak, but then I'm guessed it was not actually about falling-off-a-ladder-phobia, but rather about life. So that makes me like it more.
I think it could benefit from maybe hinting a little more at what it really represents - that's assuming I am not totally wrong and it is just about falling off a ladder.
My brains alittle fuddled today, don't know if I'm making sense, so:
If it is a poem about falling off a ladder, then it has nice words, but is pretty straighforward. Nice poem, move on.
If it is about something 'deeper', then I think it is the base for something potentially really quite nice, but needs work.
enjoyed reading, thanks.
Tom
On first reading, I thought this was a very simple poem. However, your choice of language interested me and made me re-read it a few more times. I went throught phases of liking it then not, then liking again. It is on the surface a very obvious poem - the last stanza explaining everything that came before in very unambiguous detail. Which I thought was a bit weak, but then I'm guessed it was not actually about falling-off-a-ladder-phobia, but rather about life. So that makes me like it more.
I think it could benefit from maybe hinting a little more at what it really represents - that's assuming I am not totally wrong and it is just about falling off a ladder.
My brains alittle fuddled today, don't know if I'm making sense, so:
If it is a poem about falling off a ladder, then it has nice words, but is pretty straighforward. Nice poem, move on.
If it is about something 'deeper', then I think it is the base for something potentially really quite nice, but needs work.
enjoyed reading, thanks.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
OK, the fiddly (and none too important) stuff first: "misshapen", some sort of punctuation - a dash, a colon? - after "describe it", "a" or "the hurtling body" (more important, that one) ...
The first verse doesn't really say "ladder" to me, but I can make the connection after reading to the end.
I'm not sure what "the intangibles" are, as I don't think you've mentioned any, but I get a good vertiginous rush from the second verse.
I lke the "back on terra firma" feeling of the last verse, but it does seem oddly heightened language to use about climbing a ladder. Although, reading Tom's comment, maybe he's right about the deeper meaning here - it is "my ladder", after all.
Interesting stuff, and maybe worth a rewrite? Tom seems to think so, and I agree with him.
Cheers
David
The first verse doesn't really say "ladder" to me, but I can make the connection after reading to the end.
I'm not sure what "the intangibles" are, as I don't think you've mentioned any, but I get a good vertiginous rush from the second verse.
I lke the "back on terra firma" feeling of the last verse, but it does seem oddly heightened language to use about climbing a ladder. Although, reading Tom's comment, maybe he's right about the deeper meaning here - it is "my ladder", after all.
Interesting stuff, and maybe worth a rewrite? Tom seems to think so, and I agree with him.
Cheers
David
This may seem very odd, but for some reason I had a dream about this poem last night. There was this man stood at the bottom of the ladder to heaven, knowing that he'll have to climb it one day and hear his fate from God. Is he in heaven or is he not? Will he have to make the fall to hell? And it was then I realised how profound this poem is or, at least, has the potential to be.
And this is where I'm going to come across as a little critical and harsh but this is all said to benefit you. I found a lot of the phrases you used a little cliche 'freefall of emotion' etc, and some of your phrasing was just inappropriate. Are you an English native? I would advise you to read a few pages of the dictionary a day and maybe then adventure into using words such as 'intangibles'... it really will widen your vocabulary and greatly improve your poems
. Also it might help your spelling.
This has potential for sure... At the moment though it just comes across as nothing but a pleasant ditty about ladders I'm afraid.
Good try.
And this is where I'm going to come across as a little critical and harsh but this is all said to benefit you. I found a lot of the phrases you used a little cliche 'freefall of emotion' etc, and some of your phrasing was just inappropriate. Are you an English native? I would advise you to read a few pages of the dictionary a day and maybe then adventure into using words such as 'intangibles'... it really will widen your vocabulary and greatly improve your poems
. Also it might help your spelling. This has potential for sure... At the moment though it just comes across as nothing but a pleasant ditty about ladders I'm afraid.
Good try.
Keekee have you just completely changed your post? How utterly bizarre 
I'm finding your 'critique' very hard to follow i must admit. I fear you may have read way too much into this with all this dream stuff. Please dont let my poems give you nightmares
I must say i think you're slagging off for slagging's sake in your second part of the critique. As far as i can tell there is no spelling mistakes and i find the tone a little condescending. Read the dictionary? English native?- How dare you! I dont come on here to be critiqued in how to write in my own laguage. I'm fully aware of how to spell and write accordingly. I may seem very defensive here, but i think you were out of line there. It's not as though my writing was half Russian half English
I dont want to argue about this, but i would never approach a critique in the manner you have. I feel a bit dissapointed in you keekee that's for sure, considering how just and fair a poster you usually are.
I'm finding your 'critique' very hard to follow i must admit. I fear you may have read way too much into this with all this dream stuff. Please dont let my poems give you nightmares
I must say i think you're slagging off for slagging's sake in your second part of the critique. As far as i can tell there is no spelling mistakes and i find the tone a little condescending. Read the dictionary? English native?- How dare you! I dont come on here to be critiqued in how to write in my own laguage. I'm fully aware of how to spell and write accordingly. I may seem very defensive here, but i think you were out of line there. It's not as though my writing was half Russian half English
I dont want to argue about this, but i would never approach a critique in the manner you have. I feel a bit dissapointed in you keekee that's for sure, considering how just and fair a poster you usually are.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
Ok... this is going to sound petty and pedantic but actually 'misshapen' is spelt with two s's.
I'm very sorry if I've upset you dl. It was, of course, not intended. I just didn't expect you to be so touchy. My own spelling isn't great and my vocabulary isn't anywhere near where I wish it was, but I was honestly just offering you some CONSTRUCTIVE advice. A dictionary is a wonderful object afterall
.
I also don't want to argue with you dl. To be honest, I'm a little disappointed by your reaction and the fact that you would think that I would try to cause trouble for trouble's sake. How dare you! I wouldn't reply to a poem unless I saw potential in it and I have always given you honest critiques... maybe I've not sucked up to you in the way that you want but I'm just not prepared to do that.
Perhaps we should just call it a truce? But seriously... where are you from?
I'm very sorry if I've upset you dl. It was, of course, not intended. I just didn't expect you to be so touchy. My own spelling isn't great and my vocabulary isn't anywhere near where I wish it was, but I was honestly just offering you some CONSTRUCTIVE advice. A dictionary is a wonderful object afterall
. I also don't want to argue with you dl. To be honest, I'm a little disappointed by your reaction and the fact that you would think that I would try to cause trouble for trouble's sake. How dare you! I wouldn't reply to a poem unless I saw potential in it and I have always given you honest critiques... maybe I've not sucked up to you in the way that you want but I'm just not prepared to do that.
Perhaps we should just call it a truce?
But seriously... where are you from? 
Immensly likable piece. No prob in getting the images and the intended meaning. I would say, it is giving me a haunting feeling, no not nightmares like Keekee. Very well written, especially the ending.
Great.
Great.