Poetry Forum

I’m slowly disappearing -
My life is ever fading
I’m standing here waiting
for the dispensary to open* [* was same as in last verse][/color]
to hand me my reality
for some change I begged on Farrell Street
down by the cemetery.

I’m tired of all the noises
of the traffic and the voices.
I’m going to need something
to take the edge off all this nothing.
And no-one to talk to
is like talking to The Devil.
Perhaps I’m going mental.

Numb to thoughts and feeling
to the sleeping rough*, the needle, [* was "homelessness"]
I will drift these streets of shadows
like the leaves that roam the autumn.
There must be something more
than always getting so fucked up.
Maybe try again tomorrow

I’m slowly disappearing -
My life is ever fading
I’m standing here waiting
for some God-forsaken dealer
to hand me my reality
for some change I begged on Farrell Street
down by the cemetery.

Some really nice lines, dave -

I’m tired of all the noises
of the traffic and the voices (which reminds me very much of something, but what?)

and

Numb to thoughts and feeling
to the homelessness, the needle.

I think I'm going to need the music to make the rest of it come together.

Cheers

David

I really like it, particularly:

I will drift these streets of shadows
like the leaves that roam the autumn

My only suggestion would be to change the "Waiting for some god-forsaken dealer" as I just feel that the lyrics become stronger if you leave that to implication, rather than stating it explicitly.

Like David I think:

The homelessness, the needle

is a great lyric, and as such more of the song should ride on it.

Thanks for the feedback.

I will record it on Monday (going away for the weekend). I still think it needs something else but not sure what. At the moment it makes me think of Lindisfarne - remember them.

Some of the lines are direct quotes from a doco I watched the other night on homeless kids in Sydney. I tried to capture the feeling I got from it. (And you thought I was on the mainline.)

David, I tried to google the lines in question and drew blanks. "Traffic" was too common with "Lyrics" for obvious reasons. And no, it's not "The Sound Of Silence". I checked. Keep thinking. I'd like to know if I've ripped someone off.

Jonesy, The only lines I felt were realy in need of something different were

I’m standing here waiting
for some god-forsaken dealer

so once again you have picked the odd man out. My problem wasn't the "dealer" but the "god-forsaken". Perhaps I can find another phrase to cloud it up enough to make it interesting.

Fair play, Dave.

Over the many months ya endured my cerebral bullshit I can honestly say, that I don't think ya have written a finer lyric.

That said, I was left thinking about Baudelaire:

... If rape or arson, poison, or the knife
Has wove no pleasing patterns in the stuff
Of this drab canvas we accept as life—
It is because we are not bold enough!

Then you said:

There must be something more
than always getting so fucked up.

And I thought - "well fuck it, mate. Fancy a beer?"

Big hug my man and nice one on the lyric.

Music Maestro!

Big kiss

me
x

I think you're right, Dave, there is a sort of Sounds of Silence vibe, but that's not it. In fact, I think it's just (this very minute) come back to me, and it's not the lines themselves,at all, but just a general reminiscence. It's the Who, from Quadrophenia (brilliant record):

I've had enough of living
I've had enough of dying
I've had enough of smiling
I've had enough of crying
I've taken all the high roads
I've squandered and I've saved
I've had enough of childhood
I've had enough of graves...

So, nothing like yours at all. What am I talking about?

No, it is similar, isn't it. Not a bad pedigree. I haven't seen the film for years, but take a look at this - it's quite emotional ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaO7Dk7w ... re=related

Cheers

David

Thanks for the pluses

A real compliment, Beau. Thankyou. (You might change your mind when you hear the music. hehehe)

David, there is a similarity, mainly in the metre I think, but also in the hopelessness of it all. I don't have Quadraphenia so I hadn't really listened to that one before. Quite a powerful video. How about the mod scooter. I was a sort of outpost mod (fashion-wise) in the sixties but we didn't know anything of the scooters until much later. I would have been fun doing one up like that. That had to have been shot near Dover. What is the cliff famous for its suicides? Is it Beachy Head?

Anyway, I will record a proto version of the song this afternoon. It is not that similar to Quadraphenia from that aspect.

Recording delayed while I work out why it is not being exported to an audible MP3 file.

Some preliminary excuses:

I recorded it using a harp in a minor key - new toy - not real flash yet.
Percussion is being recorded on one of those Realistic PZM mics which I attached inside an aluminium tool case to act as a stomp box. Also bought a Doumbek (Egyptian drum) and am playing with some other stuff - tambourine, etc, so some interesting percussion for someone who finds it a chore to keep any sort of rhythm. Hopefully post it tomorrow.

Still having trouble changing the lines:

I’m standing here waiting
for some god-forsaken dealer

to something equally meaningful but more ambiguous. Trouble is, everytime I sing it, it sounds more of a fit than it did when I was writing it. Anyone got some ideas? I figure it should stay the way it is in the repeat of the first verse at the end. Whaddya reckon?

Liked this one dave,

As has been said aplenty, some lovely lines here, and the whole vibe of the song really works. Like the harmonica, can't say I took to the tamborine thing though in truth.

The lyrics created some lovely (ugly) images, felt very real.

for some change I begged on Farrell Street
down by the cemetery. - loved the subtle use fo what a cemetry represents.

I’m tired of all the noises
of the traffic and the voices.
I’m going to need something
to take the edge off all this nothing. - spot on here, great stuff.


Numb to thoughts and feeling
to the homelessness, the needle, - I didn't like homelessness, thought it was more a word used for those looking in at the situation. For fear of a cliche, maybe something like "doorways" or "park bench"?

Maybe try again tomorrow - tempted to suggest this should be the title.


good stuff, mate. Thanks for sharing.
TDF

Dave,

Like it - especially the harmonica.

Howzabout "God-dispensing dealer"? Just a thoughtless

Geoff

Tom, thanks. The tambourine was put there for the second verse coz it was noisy and was designed to jangle. probably too much by the end though. The take on homelessness is that I had a guy here who used to call himself homeless, but I could change it to sleeping rough. Probably a more common street term.

Geoff, got the feeling the problem was in the word "dealer" being introduced too early. But "dispensary" may fit in OK. E.g.

I’m standing here waiting
for the dispensary to open

That sort of thing clouds the issue nicely, and I can sing the repeat of the first verse using "God-forsaken dealer".

I know it really wasn't the same sense you suggested it. But hey, I think I can live with it. Whaddya reckon?

kozmikdave wrote: Geoff, got the feeling the problem was in the word "dealer" being introduced too early. But "dispensary" may fit in OK. E.g.

I’m standing here waiting
for the dispensary to open

That sort of thing clouds the issue nicely, and I can sing the repeat of the first verse using "God-forsaken dealer".

I know it really wasn't the same sense you suggested it. But hey, I think I can live with it. Whaddya reckon?

Sounds fine to me!

Very nice. I was wondering if you'd conjured up the stomp box you were talking of getting. After listening to this, that was my best guess but I really had no idea how you were making those sounds, which at times sounded like horse hooves walking on gravel. It was effective, especially right around the one minute mark, as the driving force of the song, but I think a real stomp box would give that edge or crispness over what you were using (but bonus points for the ingenuity). The rest of the song was right on the money. I dug it.

Gidday Marten

I did use the home-made stompbox on this, as it happens. It's the sound that is a little like a heart beat. But I used it like a drum as I am so far useless at using it as a stompbox yet - getting better. I built it inside a padded aluminium case which is a little too high for comfort, so I'm thinking of cutting it down to just the lid. It has the advantage of being a sort of portable mic for other things such as tambourine and doumbek. This percussion thing is all pretty new to me (it probably shows) but I'm liking the exploration. I have two Shaler mics ordered so I can experiment.

Glad you liked the sound.

hi dave
this is superb, a good description of a day in the life of someone who just wants peace. nice track.
dan

Going through something similar every morning. Becoming concious that you might have lost your soul to something that is now just a part of your life is bloodcurdling. It becomes bigger than the words, the sound, everything. If you aint off it remember to put on Sgt Pepper before you jag, makes for good reading.

Numb to thoughts and feeling
to the sleeping rough, the needle,
I will drift these streets of shadows
like the leaves that roam the autumn.
There must be something more
than always getting so fucked up.
Maybe try again tomorrow

But we do ok. How long ago did you lose your comfort? I thought this verse was the easiest to swallow, milk and honey. Wheres the aggravated insanity? The hate for all in comfort, the blind safety or their wombs? Wheres the need to make them see all you see?

Gidday 'bloodhound

Nice for you go through this one for me. It was written after watching a documentary about Sydney street kids and this is roughly how it tumbled out.

>> How long ago did you lose your comfort?

In some ways I have never lost it, and in other ways I have never found it. I've never been on the needle and any life-changing drug experiences happened in the 60's and early 70's coz I'm that old. I did get pretty down at that time, but managed to get through it OK. I have nephews on smack and one died of an overdose. It's not as if I am totally insulated.

>> Wheres the aggravated insanity? The hate for all in comfort, the blind safety or their wombs?

Thanks for the insight. It may be conditional on some sort of base personality type, or you might be right, and I have not been sensitive enough to pick it up.

>> Wheres the need to make them see all you see?

Yeah! i remember trying to talk my parents into dropping acid once....

>> I thought this verse was the easiest to swallow, milk and honey.

Got the feeling you thought it was all too tame. I guess I was trying to evoke the same feelings I got watching the documentary. I shall think about how I could do it in a way that is closer to what you may be suggesting, but that will have to be another song.

Thanks for the crit.

It's depressingly pleasing, or pleasingly depressing. Feeling well captured.

This is probably one the best songs on this board. I loved this song, it really spoke to me.

And no-one to talk to
is like talking to The Devil

I’m tired of all the noises
of the traffic and the voices

I think these have to be my favourite lines out of the whole song

however I understand what people mean when they say the lines
I’m standing here waiting
for some god-forsaken dealer
give away too much of the song's meanings, but I am glad it is kept in the last verse. As the song progresses the meaning of it unravels and I love that most.

also, I like the way you've included the cemetary as to what it represents.

Thanks Ayeshyy (that's a hard name to get my head around)

Your comments are very encouraging. Much needed at the moment.