Last night of another Fagin ( 1st revision)

[arunansu]

[ The earlier version was not working, hope this is a little better. Awaiting feedbacks from all.]


His bulging eyes
chased a little rodent
within his dingy cell
“Oliver! Disobedient boy!
Come home!”

“See! So many heads hanging above!
Which one is yours, Oliver?”
Clenched fists struck the wall,
“Which one is yours?”

A clock chimed eight.
“Eight” echoed the roof, iron bars
the wooden bench, the cold floor;
he muttered, ”eleven remains.”

Eleven times sixty minutes.
Rather, eleven times sixty, multiplied
further by sixty seconds. Remain.
“Remain there, keep still . . .hush!”

Something crossed over his toes,
he shivered and screeched,
“Strike them all dead!”

Swift movements went on
around him

The clock struck nine.

[TDF]

hey aru,

I must admit I find this revision easier to follow than the original. I get some good images of the boy in his dank cell, counting away the time, but I feel like I'm missing something. Is he locked up or hiding?

A clock chimed eight.
“Eight” echoed the roof, iron bars
the wooden bench, the cold floor;
he muttered, ”eleven remains.” - this stanze really grew on me, mate. I like it a lot.

sorry for brief reply, like I say, I like it but I think I'm missing something - makes it harder to crit more.
Tom

[davelord]

After a few reads I interpret this as someone waiting to be hanged in the morning - am I right? If I am then may I suggest that you tell the reader a little more about the subjects ensuing fate?

Also I am a little confused as to whether it is Fagin or Oliver who will be hanged.

I am probably missing the point altogether - if so then I apologise.

[arunansu]

The piece was written as a tribute to my favourite author Charles Dickens. As you know the penultimate chapter of Oliver Twist is "Last night of Fagin". I am intruiged by the descriptions in it. To me, Fagins still exist. I wrote this piece influenced by that chapter. I have tried to put the frustration, anger, helplessness of Fagins into this.It is difficult to make a small poem out of an entire chapter of a Classic. But I tried with my own ability.

Hope this clears up.

[Richard WH]

I havent seen the original version but my first thought upon reading this was that you write very well but it seems like prose to me, or that it would read better as prose. I too was slightly confused but thats nothing out the ordinary. Reading two or three times to bring clarity can help me.
Anyway, I'd like to see other poetry by yourself (I'm new here) as I honestly think its written very well. It leaves an air of mystery but I'd like two or three more stanza's added so that I have some hints or clue as to whats going on.