Poetry Forum

Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming,
she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper.

Sitting by a window with her chin on one hand,
she longs for the white of her eyes
to cover her vision,
so she could write on it
her vitreous bliss.

Gidday oddball

I think I like the idea behind this but it is very hard to picture in places. You have mixed up some really good images, e.g.

...a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper

with ideas that don't quite make it for this reader. e.g.

Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming...

In fact the two references to eyes are quite strange. I figure you are trying suggest the girl is looking into space or daydreaming, but the expressions used are a bit awkward.

All the same, with a bit of work, this could be much more pleasurable to read.

I understand your thoughts, Od. It worked for me.Only
"Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming..." - this part seems a bit confusing.
But a nice write.Enjoyed it.

Hello O -

thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, - This was my favourite line (just goes to show the differences in tastes).
I don't like 'picture perfect void - It just doesn't sound feasible at all - How can nothing be 'picture perfect'? (Which adjectives could be used to describe the physical appearance of 'nothing' - discuss).

Maybe use chin in hand instead of with her chin on one hand.

nice one

Barrie

Hi odd,
As has been said there is some nice stuff here, although I have to agree with others it seems a little muddled. Maybe this is a reflection of her mood?


Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void, - love the words and the phrase, just not sure they actually paint the right picture for what you want.

thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, - Like barrie, I love this line. very clear picture of her mind wondering around an old painting, deep in thought.

she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - the poem started to hint at something darker here, with a princess trapped in a tower, yet one too many sugary words (literally) detracted from that for me I think.

I think the last stanza could be condensed and refined somewhat, to round the poem off with a little more punch. As with Barries suggestion. Also maybe combining the white and vitreous images together?

just some thoughts,
TDF

Hey, guys, sorry for the late reply. Eking out a living can wreak havoc on one's schedule. >_<

kozmikdave wrote:Gidday oddball

Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming...

In fact the two references to eyes are quite strange. I figure you are trying suggest the girl is looking into space or daydreaming, but the expressions used are a bit awkward.

All the same, with a bit of work, this could be much more pleasurable to read.

Yes, the first two lines are an attempt to illustrate some girl staring into space, thinking of her ideal guy. The second eye reference tried to suggest how she has her love story all written out in her head, she just wish she doesn't have to contend with reality to see it through. LOL! Sorry, I guess I need to make that clearer.

Thanks, kozmikdave.

arunansu wrote:I understand your thoughts, Od. It worked for me.Only
"Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming..." - this part seems a bit confusing.
But a nice write.Enjoyed it.

.
Thanks, Aru. Appreciate the time you took to read and comment.

barrie wrote:Hello O -
I don't like 'picture perfect void - It just doesn't sound feasible at all - How can nothing be 'picture perfect'?

Er...um...uhh...because it's nothing? ;-b

barrie wrote:(Which adjectives could be used to describe the physical appearance of 'nothing' - discuss).

Eep! *sweats* >_<

Thanks, Barrie, sir.

TDF wrote:Hi odd,
she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - the poem started to hint at something darker here, with a princess trapped in a tower, yet one too many sugary words (literally) detracted from that for me I think.

just some thoughts,
TDF

Hmm...I didn't really intend to hint at anything dark there, hence the sugary words. I just meant 'undiscovered' by her prince, with her love story yet to be realized. LOL! Didn't mean to give you a toothache, Tom.

Back to the drawing board with this one. Thanks for the input, guys, much appreciated.

Wasn't too keen on the piece myself but only read it through twice before I decided I needed to voice this; I really think the idea/image...

she longs for the white of her eyes
to cover her vision,
so she could write on it
her vitreous bliss.

...is really great, in fact, that whole verse is very good indeed, I am still throughly enjoying its image, nicely done!

Thanks, Brotherfergus.

This actually quite an interesting poem - and as you can see by the replies everyone likes a different line so somehow the whole thing must be kind of good, eh?! I like the she sighs - an undiscovered Princess / of a Kingdom yet to be written. This motive of mystery is very well expressed in this line.
However, I can't connect to the last line of the first verse: in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - not to my liking. I appreciate how you tried to keep up the image of the writing, but syrup and caramel?! I'm not sure what you want to say with that, sorry. Maybe I'm missing something really obvious, though - I'm rarely good at getting symbolism, I have to admit...

In the second verse I'd prefer with the chin on her hand - would sound a bit more natural, if you ask me. Also, I'm a bit confused as to where she could write on - what do you mean with it? But again, maybe just my lack of imagination or understanding.

On the whole, since I'm not a fan of this contemporary form of poetry, you did have some nice imagery and lines in the poem. It definitely has potential!