Poetry Forum

Sister strutted like a peacock
when she reached the doors of America.
Legs wide open, wedding gown still on,
she embraced her new patron

with abandon,
led him to a dingy room,
drew drops of milk and honey from him,
tasted her long-awaited dream.

Turning towards whence she came,
she stuck out a finger, turned again,
flipped her newly bleached hair.
Sister always wanted to be a blond.

First line's a real turn off - 'strutted like a peacock'?? - I know you can be more original than this.

Barrie

ob

I like the idea of this - the emigrant turning her back on the old country.

The last stanza is the strongest - it has rhythm and a rounds the whole piece off.

I think the first two stanzas are patchy - but just need a little repair. Barrie is right about the peacock.

A couple of other observations on S1.when she reached etc is a little prosaic, maybe try an image e.g. opened the doors, barged through etc whatever you think fits.

I would reverse the images in l3 so that the legs open leads to the embrace. I think that strengthens the feelings you want to get over.

In s2 - the two hims create a clunky read. It might be worth having a think about milk and honey - its clear what you are referring to but maybe could be said to be cliche. As a thought you could replace with an American combination - pancakes and syrup, for example.

I think this has potential but needs some time and attention. I hope you polish it

elphin

Elphin has already given some valuable nits. I have nothing more to add.I feel the first line is ok with the theme.
Nice thoughts.

Yes, L1 has to change IMHO.

Perhaps you could say "strutted after peacocks" to reinforce the "prostituting herself" vibe.
(I hope I've got that right!)

Also you could omit "a" from the last line - it would read more smoothly IMHO.

Intriguing read
Geoff

The last stanza comes across very well i must say and it has a nice twist to it. I feel the first two stanzas are riddled with cliche's:

Struuted like a peacock

dingy room

long-awaited dream

Just iron those out with some better, more orginal word-play and you have something very decent as you have a very good final stanza IMO.

Liked it a lot

dl04.

barrie wrote:First line's a real turn off - 'strutted like a peacock'?? - I know you can be more original than this.

Barrie

Hee-hee, sorry, barrie, sir. I'll try. I'm pretty scared of revisions, though. I always think I'm gonna mess it up more, but thanks for the vote of confidence (pressure much? >_<).

Elphin wrote:ob
Barrie is right about the peacock.

elphin

arunansu wrote:Elphin has already given some valuable nits. I have nothing more to add.I feel the first line is ok with the theme.
Nice thoughts.

twoleftfeet wrote:Yes, L1 has to change IMHO.

Intriguing read
Geoff

dl04 wrote:The last stanza comes across very well i must say and it has a nice twist to it. I feel the first two stanzas are riddled with cliche's:

Struuted like a peacock

dl04.

Alright, alright! Sheesh. Consider the peacock a goner. Erm...are they as edible as songbirds?

Seriously, thanks, elphin. Helpful tips as always. Will keep them in mind.

Aru, thanks, for always taking the time to read and comment on my blathering.

Geoff, thanks. You've got it right with the vibe, and I agree with removing the "a" in the last line.

Thanks, dl04. But better, more original word-play is easier said than done. T_T
I'll keep the last stanza and try my darndest with the first two.

Very grateful for the feedback, guys. I really like this place.

I know I didn't crit this one, sorry, never got around to it.

but

I'm pretty scared of revisions, though. I always think I'm gonna mess it up more,

bah! how else you gonna learn? besides, the peacock line was terrible, you can't do worse than that!

seriously though, just have a bash at working on it again, for the exercise if nothing else. Sometimes it is best to forget and move on, sometimes a revision is the way to go. Judging by the crits I think you should do the latter here.

good luck
Tom