Boat race

[arunansu]

[ Based on the very famous Kerala Boat race held during Onam festivals, in India.]


A hundred oarsmen
pierce the water,
spray silver on emerald green.

Sun on ripples, “heave-ho!”
roll of drums
heat and sweat
rush in veins, “heave-ho!”

Silk umbrellas
red and blue
flags flutter, “heave-ho!”
Songsters, pipers, helmsmen,
“heave-ho!”

Slender stern
prow and helm
slither fast.

Every inch of river,
ounce of blood,
chant as one.

[Lake]

Like the atmosphere you created. It's vivid, I can certainly picture it. Nice ending, too. This poem reminds me of Dragon Boat Race. Nice read.

[Richard WH]

Simple and with some nice images.

Personally I think it would read better if the "heave-ho's" were more evenly spaced, such as:


sun on ripples, heave ho
roll of drums
heat and sweat, heave ho
rush in veins

silk umbrellas, heave ho
red and blue
flags flutter, heave ho
songsters, pipers, helsman (though this seems a bit too long and might be beter replaced and employed elsewhere)

Just my opinion though

[twoleftfeet]

I enjoyed this, especially the ending:

Every inch of river,
ounce of blood,
chant as one.

The fast, insistent rhythm created by the use of short words reinforces the idea of a hell-for-leather race.

spray silver in emerald green.
-maybe "on" instead of "in"?

My one quibble is the use of “heave-ho!”
- this is a dictionary defintion:
"Used as a command to sailors to pull hard on a rope or cable"
- it brings to mind old pirate movies , "man the capstan" etc.
I think you would be better off using the original expression that you are translating (with a footnote to explain
what it means) - Just a suggestion

Nice work
Geoff

[arunansu]

Thanks Lake, Richard & Twol,

Dear Richard, I have noted your changes. I will keep them in mind when I revise.

Dear Twol,

Yes, there is a typo. "in" would be "on". I shall edit that. Regarding "heave-ho!", let me tell you the boat race in kerala started at a time when the boats were used in warfare. Later , they became a sport.

Cheers all.

[dl04]

LIke the pace and rhythm created by the repetition of 'Heave-ho'. I felt that sounded quite wild and primal particulary in context with competition regarding the boat race. I would revise or scrap altogether S2 as i feel it's a little flat and cliched to the rest of the poem and i think it would make a more smooth transition to the end stanza.

I'm really liking your stuff atm though Aru, very readable with beautiful imagery. Look forward to more as always

dl04.

[davelord]

I think it is a grea poem. You have really captured the essence and urgency of a boat race.

[TDF]

hey aru,

I have to admit, I didn't like this one as much as some of your others, although I did like what you were doing.
I do have to agree about placing of the heave ho-s, so that it supports the idea of rhythm. No matter what else you or your words do they are regularly interrupted by the heave-ho, a reflection of the real world.
And yes, there are a few cliches in there which, while sounding very nice and enhancing the alliteration, brought the poem down a touch for me. Maybe just drop the 'green' from line 3 for example. Or use 'fluttered flags', so that the words stumble over themselves as a flag does, yet keeping the sounds. Just some thoughts.

keep em coming
Tom

[Brotherfergus]

Won't say much as other have covered it well. I don't usually like things so apparent but I thought this worked well. One problem I found was the rhythm created with "heave-ho" sometimes seem to miss a beat, or, more properly, came to soon. The first few times it works but it creates a feeling whereby you beleive you know where its is going to emerge next and then doesn't. This staggered my read of it slightly but it may just be me.
Also, there are a few words that were a little to grounded for me and had the potential to indulge more, for example "heat" and "sweat".