Basket Case (with V.2)

[TDF]

Big thanks for all the feedback so far.

Version 2:
Down tested routes repeated
and retraced she ambles
with such purpose,
up and down
the clean white floors,
oblivious.
A list of wants, murmured
over and over.

Caught in her wake
to watch and ponder,
the wonder of a vac-packed life
with choice and doubt
wrapped up.
She stops.
I bump.
Her reflected frown
questions my sanity,
like I'm the one who's off my trolley.



original:
On routes honed by time and repetition
they amble with such purpose,
up and down
the clean white floors,
oblivious.

Stop and bump,
frown and ponder.
The wonder of a vac-packed life
with choice-upon-choice racked up
with doubt.

Mumbled voices quiet chatter
lists of want,
over and over.
To reinforce and reassure
their quest.

Such a chore.
I only came for milk and eggs.



Thoughts appreciated as ever,
cheers.
Tom

[David]

Nice title, Tom. If this were a picture you could call it Supermarket with zombies.

It's very much an outside-looking-in (or on) poem - not much empathy with the undead, here. Might be interesting to give them some of the depth we so easily grant ourselves? (I'm definitely including myself in that.) Maybe even how they might see you?

Just a thought.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Tom

Great title and there is something in this but I think you need to raise it a level to keep the readers attention. For example by working a little on assonance, rhyme and rhythm and making it slightly less wordy you could evoke more of the boredom into the sound of the first stanzas. That would make it more than just relying on what is written. Here is what I mean -something like

On routes honed by repetition
they amble with such purpose,
up and down
the monotonous
clean white floors,
oblivious.

Stop and bump,
frown and ponder
a vac-packed life;
its wonder,
with choices racked up
with doubt.

Next stanza needs a rework to set up your final couplet. Maybe something about them trying to engage you in the chatter.

Just a few thoughts that aren't entirely right but hopefully demonstrate what I'm driving at

elphin

[TDF]

Thanks for the initial feedback guys, much obliged.

I definitely want to re-work this one as it didn't end up as I intended really, but I find a little feedback is a great starting point for further evolution.

I intended to play on the image of a stereotypical mental institute with wondering 'nut jobs', as a reflection of what I felt in the supermarket. So I find it interesting to see the words zombies and boredom in the replies - I obviously missed the mark a little.

Your suggestions have confirmed a few things for me and given me some ideas, so big thanks.

Tom

[barrie]

I don't think you've missed the mark at all - until I got to vac-packed life, I though it was a mental hospital, then I saw the supermarket, but it can be read as either.

with choice-upon-choice racked up
with doubt.

Mumbled voices quiet chatter
lists of want,
over and over.
To reinforce and reassure
their quest.

The only thing I would suggest changing is the Mumbled voices quiet chatter verse.

Mumbled chatter,
listing wants,
over and over,
to reinforce and reassure
their quest.

Good stuff

Barrie

[Richard WH]

I find myself in agreement with Elphin here, though I must add the final couplet didnt work at all for me. It seems too much an aside, out of context and rhythm with the rest of it, like stepping out of being the poet and commenting as from a totally different angle. I presume its supposed to be amusing but it didnt work for me.
Leaving it out totally leaves a bit of mystery, means it really could be a mental institution etc, helps more people relate to it.
As for the rest of it, well I really enjoyed it, wondered if it was about people with learning disabilities as I'm working with people like this at the moment in a residential setting.

[davelord]

On routes honed by time and repetition
they amble with such purpose,
up and down
the clean white floors,
oblivious.

I'm sorry but when I read the first verse, I thought this was about the mentally impaired wandering about in their hospitals. Perhaps our meanderings about supermarkets is but training for the future? I do hope not.

[Travis]

Green Day!

You have some carefully placed props here, and I find that on the whole they make this a little didactic and shoved down my throat. I don't like that, being told too forcefully how to feel and so on. That kind of writing is also labored too, as it's easy to see the struggle (clean, white floors/amble with such purpose/etc...) of the writer. Thirdly, it's bland.

I like the idea, but perhaps you should let the scene illustrate itself.

Just playing around here:

On routes honed by time
and repetition, they amble
with purpose over the white
floors, oblivious.

Stop and bump, frown and
ponder. A vac-packed life
with choice upon choice racked
up with doubt.

You get the idea. Let it be itself and not what you're trying too hard to make us believe it is.

Specifically (I can be an abstract tit), I'm not sure about "racked up with doubt". Too murky I think.

Anyway, soften it up, see what happens. I could be wrong though. Probably am. Whatever. You got my 2 cents anyway.

[TDF]

Thanks for the further feedback, much obliged.

I have taken it on board in balance with my own tastes and had a crack at take 2. I've played around with it quite a bit in an attempt to acknowledge crits and also try to get my intentions across a little more. Not sure if it's better or worse or what really, that's why I really appreciate the feedback of this forum.

And I never really liked the last couplet myself, so switched that out, although maybe it's a pun too far!

feedback on T2 really appreciated.

Tom

[Travis]

Less murky than the original, yet ironically, I find it more formulaic and lacking in that spontaneous charm the original had a little of.

I have no suggestions. But I like the core.