Poetry Forum

Oh! Have you heard a stone's grief?
An inward pity shrieked in vain.
It resonates beyond belief
like a rose's scream under winter’s strain
or crumbling of spirit by parting’s pain.

Echoes of longing for inner peace
the hum of want and wonder why.
A ringing in ear that will never cease
from a shrill of passion's passing sigh;
silent as stones when they cry.

I like this.
Wasn't sure about the O! at the start and then having read it a couple of times think the line needs it. Would prefer Oh myself.
love the line "like a rose's scream under winter's strain" with it being linked to vain. Always thought roses were slightly overrated flowers myself.
For the last line I think it would read better if it were
loud as stones when they start to cry

Personally I did not like the rhyming of 'relief' with 'grief', 'pain' with 'strain' etc. The rest of the work is really very nice. I admire your thoughts too. I love the lines:
"Echoes of longing for inner peace
the hum of want and wonder why." And oh! It sounds better as Oh! and not O!
Smiles.

Welcome on board Mike.

I think you have made good use of rhyme and sustained the image of the stones cry well. a rose's scream under winter’s strain is an interesting image, personally I visualise roses sighing rather than screaming - they don't fight the inevitability of their withering so do they scream?

I think you need to make the second stanza clearer. Its partly punctuation, I think.

Ringing in ears that never cease - its not the ears that never cease so should it be ceases? Do you need an article before shrill? Is the ringing caused by the shrill. I think you may have manipulated the sense of this stanza to get the rhymes.

The last line is missing a beat.

I hope you post some more

elphin

Yeah - like this, I think the rhyme is great - it flows nicely - good poem...

Agree with E, the last line needs another beat...

Thank you all –very good suggestions; I will do some revision. You all have been a great help and THANK YOU!!

Gidday

The rhyme scheme worked for me too.

The thing that struck me, and not picked up by others so far, is in the first stanza:

Oh! Have you heard a stone's grief?
An inward pity shrieked in vain.
It resonate beyond belief,
like a rose's scream under winter’s strain
or crumbling of spirit by parting’s pain.

On first read, and in keeping with the current punctuation, it should be "resonates", but on further readings, I want to interpret it as (Have you heard) it resonate....

This would mean changing the punctuation faily drastically, to tun it into a list.

Nice...

Thanks Dave, I will attend to the repairs.

I liked this piece, Mike. It has a neat structure and good rhymes too. They actually all sound well and not forced; I find, they work well together.
Above that, I especially like the parting’s pain. and the passion's passing sigh, very beautiful use of language. I can't say much about the content and message but I do think that it's a good poem.

Thank you very much, Dublin.