Poetry Forum

I just got off the train and have written this ditty. I have hardly edited it from its conception, thought I'd juts stick it up and see what everyone thinks, it still needs a lot of work but...


Her face is concealed
with the varnish
of fools.

Her mind;
In an ocular courtship.
Her body;
In silent waltz
with the world.

Every curve of her figure
lies lavishly adorned
with the garments
of Narcissus.

Her person reduced
to a wavering smile.
She wallows
in her remains,
she beams,
I loath her.

bf,

This has quite a different feel to the other one, which was more ambiguous. And although I liked that ambiguity I do like this one too. It somehow sucked me in. I think it is because it is so clear that I got drawn into it, yet has enough poetic flow to be structually engaging.

I think the poem works well, I don't really have much to add constructively. Although I think the other had a better ending due to it's ambiguity. This is maybe a little blunt/straight forward by comparison?

enjoyed.
Tom